Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

: An elderly sailor is enjoying a beer and a tasty snack

After a hard life at sea, aging sailor Jackson sips a beer and munches on candied popcorn snacks while slowly coming to accept the sad reality that there is no free prize hidden in the box of life.

Throughout the happy-go-lucky days of his childhood growing up by the sea, young Jackson always looked forward to discovering the prize traditionally included in every box of tasty popcorn snacks given to him by his mother. After a long career traveling far and wide aboard ships, Jackson retired by the seashore. One evening he sought to relive the nostalgia of the carefree days of his youth when he would wait with so much anticipation for his mom to bring him his favorite treat all the while speculating as to what exciting new treasure might be revealed among the candied popcorn and nuts in the box. However, as he sipped his beer and savored his favorite snack, he suddenly became cognizant of the sobering reality that life was no longer just a bowl of candy coated popcorn with peanuts and even worse, that there is no free prize hidden in the box of life. Nevertheless, he has not given up hope of unearthing that secret decoder ring that would unlock the mysteries of the universe and that might just be at the bottom of the very box he had just opened.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

A swarm of mosquito-crocodile hybrids is descending upon Fort Lauderdale

Havoc reigns at Florida tourist resorts as swarms of genetically-engineered mosquito-crocodile hybrids descend upon beaches and golf courses to feed on hapless vacationers.

News Flash! Genetically engineered mosquitoes created by British scientists to combat viral diseases mutate into toothy flying killing machines.

Well, it seemed like a good idea in theory. A British biotech firm with ties to Oxford University developed a methodology to breed mosquitoes whose DNA had been altered using genes from coral and cabbage and proteins from E. Coli bacteria and herpes virus. The thinking was that this combination would suppress breeding because when the altered male mates with a normal female, the resulting larvae will die. This in turn would suppress the incidence of two serious mosquito borne diseases, dengue and chikungunya. To test the effectiveness of the plan, the mosquitoes were released in Key Haven, a secluded development of million-dollar homes near Key West in Florida.

What the scientists did not foresee was a sequence of events that would ultimately lead to calamity as they did not take into account the consequences of introducing a toxic cocktail of genes from animals, plants, bacteria and viruses into the environment. As fate would have it, a freak offshore storm blew in unexpectedly and propelled the GMO mosquitoes off towards the Everglades where they quickly settled in among the foliage. A few stray females that were inadvertently included in the brood began their quest for blood. With no humans in sight, the females proceeded to bite the resident crocodiles. So, what happens when a recombinant DNA experiment involving a mosquito, a crocodile and a cabbage goes awry?

Aedes aegypti + Crocodylus acutus + Brassica oleracea = Crocsquito Apocalypse!!!

It wasn’t long before crocodile hatchlings began to exhibit characteristics of all the genes that had been injected into the GMO altered mosquitoes. They grew long sharp proboscises and stout wings with veined structures similar to cabbage leaves. They soon took to the air seeking nourishment. Attracted by the dazzling display of brightly colored Hawaiian shirts combined with the aroma of thousands of backyard barbecues, the mutants headed straight for Fort Lauderdale to feast on the flesh of terrified tourists.

Even those fortunate enough to escape serious injury from the crocsquito’s sharp crushing jaws, there is still the likelihood of acquiring a nasty case of herpes from the beast’s infectious saliva.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Mary is sharing a hot dog lunch with Prince of Darkness

An age-old adage states that “”He who sups with the devil should have a long spoon”

Mary was enjoying her hot dog lunch when the Prince of Darkness unashamedly invited himself to share her table. As a precaution against any unwelcome advances on his part, she asked the waiter to bring a long spoon to serve the mustard.

A pampered furry dog is sitting at an elegant dinner table with wine and roses

May your Valentine’s Day be embellished with wine and roses and a romantic dinner in the company of a dreamy stranger with mysterious eyes hiding behind fleecy golden locks.

Happy Valentine’s Day Everybody!

Photo by Don Rudisuhle

Governor Chris Christie is sitting in a teacup with his plate of cannoli next to him

Chris Christie sits in a teacup next to his plate of cannoli as he waits patiently for the bridge closing scandal to blow over

Is Chris Christie’s bridge closing scandal just a tempest in a teacup or more of a Category 5 hurricane for the Governor of New Jersey’s political career and presidential aspirations?

Happy New Year 2014!

Circus acrobats are performing on the moon

Fly me to the moon in 2014. Let me play among the stars…

Harry Reid and John Boehner are dressed as Christmas Elves

Congressional majority leaders Senator Harry Reid and Representative John Boehner have donned elf costumes and are helping out Santa over the holidays

Harry Reid and John Boehner are taking advantage of the congressional holiday recess to put in some public service time to help Santa manage his vast workshop and get all of the toys ready for shipment by Christmas Eve.

Krampus

Krampus

Sen. Reid’s is still at his high school boxing weight and has put on his old gloves so as to be ready to deal with any Grinches that might attempt to interfere with Santa’s Yuletide activities. At Santa’s direction, he has readied buckets full of coal lumps to be loaded onto the sleigh for use at the homes of the ever-increasing population of unrepentant naughty children. The proliferation of naughty children around the globe has been a boon to the coal industry which has been experiencing a prolonged slump as a consequence of stricter environmental regulations. In instances where a lump of coal in a stocking is insufficient to convey the message regarding the undesirability of naughtiness, Santa has recalled his old friend Krampus from vacation to mete out strict punishment to the naughtiest of children.

A well-tanned Rep. Boehner is sipping a scotch and enjoying a quick smoke to steady his nerves as he prepares to dive into Santa’s complex just-in-time inventory supply chain management system. Earlier, he prepared a report for Santa regarding Sen. Reid’s proposed “nuclear option” to replace the reindeer with a highly modified marine reactor as the source of propulsion for the sleigh. This would reduce the number of refueling stops for reindeer fodder and significantly increase the range of Santa’s sleigh. However, Santa ultimately discarded this recommendation because reactor waste has a half-life of 160,000 years, as opposed to reindeer waste which has a half-life of less than ten days and is easily recyclable for use in Mrs. Claus’ flower garden.

The elves have assured Santa that they have complied with the all of the current FAA Airworthiness Directives affecting his model of sleigh and have performed proper weight and balance calculations to take into account his imposing load of presents, coal and reindeer food. Santa himself is busy planning this year’s route by reviewing the global weather forecasts and the latest Notices to Airmen published by the FAA.

Santa has resolved to check all of his lists twice this time in the wake of that embarrassing incident two years ago when the Wyoming Department of Game and Fish refused Santa’s reindeer permission to entertain the children at Murdoch’s Ranch and Home Supply, which led to the frustrated reindeer becoming intoxicated at Mingle’s Lounge next door and running up a big tab on Santa’s American Express Card,.

The children watch Santa's reindeer drinking at a bar

After the Government Man in Green canceled the reindeers’ appearance at Murdoch’s, the group retreats to Mingle’s Lounge for a snort

(Read the whole story at FullFrogMoon’s post from December 2011)

Santa also decided to move his Naughty and Nice list into a secure cloud computing environment after his IT elves discovered that the NSA had covertly accessed his data and was surreptitiously changing some high-profile individuals from naughty to nice and vice-versa.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

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