Mary was enjoying her hot dog lunch when the Prince of Darkness unashamedly invited himself to share her table. As a precaution against any unwelcome advances on his part, she asked the waiter to bring a long spoon to serve the mustard.
Happy Valentine’s Day Everybody!
Photo by Don Rudisuhle
Harry Reid and John Boehner are taking advantage of the congressional holiday recess to put in some public service time to help Santa manage his vast workshop and get all of the toys ready for shipment by Christmas Eve.
Sen. Reid’s is still at his high school boxing weight and has put on his old gloves so as to be ready to deal with any Grinches that might attempt to interfere with Santa’s Yuletide activities. At Santa’s direction, he has readied buckets full of coal lumps to be loaded onto the sleigh for use at the homes of the ever-increasing population of unrepentant naughty children. The proliferation of naughty children around the globe has been a boon to the coal industry which has been experiencing a prolonged slump as a consequence of stricter environmental regulations. In instances where a lump of coal in a stocking is insufficient to convey the message regarding the undesirability of naughtiness, Santa has recalled his old friend Krampus from vacation to mete out strict punishment to the naughtiest of children.
A well-tanned Rep. Boehner is sipping a scotch and enjoying a quick smoke to steady his nerves as he prepares to dive into Santa’s complex just-in-time inventory supply chain management system. Earlier, he prepared a report for Santa regarding Sen. Reid’s proposed “nuclear option” to replace the reindeer with a highly modified marine reactor as the source of propulsion for the sleigh. This would reduce the number of refueling stops for reindeer fodder and significantly increase the range of Santa’s sleigh. However, Santa ultimately discarded this recommendation because reactor waste has a half-life of 160,000 years, as opposed to reindeer waste which has a half-life of less than ten days and is easily recyclable for use in Mrs. Claus’ flower garden.
The elves have assured Santa that they have complied with the all of the current FAA Airworthiness Directives affecting his model of sleigh and have performed proper weight and balance calculations to take into account his imposing load of presents, coal and reindeer food. Santa himself is busy planning this year’s route by reviewing the global weather forecasts and the latest Notices to Airmen published by the FAA.
Santa has resolved to check all of his lists twice this time in the wake of that embarrassing incident two years ago when the Wyoming Department of Game and Fish refused Santa’s reindeer permission to entertain the children at Murdoch’s Ranch and Home Supply, which led to the frustrated reindeer becoming intoxicated at Mingle’s Lounge next door and running up a big tab on Santa’s American Express Card,.
(Read the whole story at FullFrogMoon’s post from December 2011)
Santa also decided to move his Naughty and Nice list into a secure cloud computing environment after his IT elves discovered that the NSA had covertly accessed his data and was surreptitiously changing some high-profile individuals from naughty to nice and vice-versa.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle
After so many years away from home, Ned finally collected enough frequent flyer miles to take the long arduous trip back home to see his family. While he had a pleasant flight on Spirit Airlines, he found the TSA pat-down to be highly intrusive and demeaning and plans to post a video of the offence which was kindly taken by a fellow traveler on YouTube. It also provides irrefutable proof that it was the TSA that crushed his favorite hat, for which Ned intends to file a claim for reimbursement.
Randy the green sea monster frequents the briny depths of the Bermuda Triangle searching for lost ships and aircraft so he can devour their hapless crews and add their sneakers to his vast collection which he periodically puts on display at public beaches.
(Kim Harris’ submission to Redbubble’s “Monster Challenge”)