Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Harry Reid and John Boehner are dressed as Christmas Elves

Congressional majority leaders Senator Harry Reid and Representative John Boehner have donned elf costumes and are helping out Santa over the holidays

Harry Reid and John Boehner are taking advantage of the congressional holiday recess to put in some public service time to help Santa manage his vast workshop and get all of the toys ready for shipment by Christmas Eve.

Krampus

Krampus

Sen. Reid’s is still at his high school boxing weight and has put on his old gloves so as to be ready to deal with any Grinches that might attempt to interfere with Santa’s Yuletide activities. At Santa’s direction, he has readied buckets full of coal lumps to be loaded onto the sleigh for use at the homes of the ever-increasing population of unrepentant naughty children. The proliferation of naughty children around the globe has been a boon to the coal industry which has been experiencing a prolonged slump as a consequence of stricter environmental regulations. In instances where a lump of coal in a stocking is insufficient to convey the message regarding the undesirability of naughtiness, Santa has recalled his old friend Krampus from vacation to mete out strict punishment to the naughtiest of children.

A well-tanned Rep. Boehner is sipping a scotch and enjoying a quick smoke to steady his nerves as he prepares to dive into Santa’s complex just-in-time inventory supply chain management system. Earlier, he prepared a report for Santa regarding Sen. Reid’s proposed “nuclear option” to replace the reindeer with a highly modified marine reactor as the source of propulsion for the sleigh. This would reduce the number of refueling stops for reindeer fodder and significantly increase the range of Santa’s sleigh. However, Santa ultimately discarded this recommendation because reactor waste has a half-life of 160,000 years, as opposed to reindeer waste which has a half-life of less than ten days and is easily recyclable for use in Mrs. Claus’ flower garden.

The elves have assured Santa that they have complied with the all of the current FAA Airworthiness Directives affecting his model of sleigh and have performed proper weight and balance calculations to take into account his imposing load of presents, coal and reindeer food. Santa himself is busy planning this year’s route by reviewing the global weather forecasts and the latest Notices to Airmen published by the FAA.

Santa has resolved to check all of his lists twice this time in the wake of that embarrassing incident two years ago when the Wyoming Department of Game and Fish refused Santa’s reindeer permission to entertain the children at Murdoch’s Ranch and Home Supply, which led to the frustrated reindeer becoming intoxicated at Mingle’s Lounge next door and running up a big tab on Santa’s American Express Card,.

The children watch Santa's reindeer drinking at a bar

After the Government Man in Green canceled the reindeers’ appearance at Murdoch’s, the group retreats to Mingle’s Lounge for a snort

(Read the whole story at FullFrogMoon’s post from December 2011)

Santa also decided to move his Naughty and Nice list into a secure cloud computing environment after his IT elves discovered that the NSA had covertly accessed his data and was surreptitiously changing some high-profile individuals from naughty to nice and vice-versa.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

A skeleton holding a suitcase is approaching a haunted house

Ned arrives at his ancestral home just in time for Halloween and finds his cat anxiously waiting for him on the porch

After so many years away from home, Ned finally collected enough frequent flyer miles to take the long arduous trip back home to see his family. While he had a pleasant flight on Spirit Airlines, he found the TSA pat-down to be highly intrusive and demeaning and plans to post a video of the offence which was kindly taken by a fellow traveler on YouTube. It also provides irrefutable proof that it was the TSA that crushed his favorite hat, for which Ned intends to file a claim for reimbursement.

Randy the sea monster shows off his collection of colorful sneakers

Randy the sea monster likes to show off his colorful collection of sneakers that he has acquired during his underwater forays into the Bermuda Triangle

Randy the green sea monster frequents the briny depths of the Bermuda Triangle searching for lost ships and aircraft so he can devour their hapless crews and add their sneakers to his vast collection which he periodically puts on display at public beaches.

(Kim Harris’ submission to Redbubble’s “Monster Challenge”)

A destitute chicken is playing a ukulele on a street corner hoping for tips

Cruelly abandoned by her hipster master who felt that taking care of her was too much of a burden, Hazel was forced to shed her dignity and was reduced to selling eggs and playing music on the street for strangers in hope of securing her next meal.

It all began several years ago with the troubling news that chickens and roosters were arriving in unprecedented numbers at animal shelters and sanctuaries throughout the United States and Canada. Recently, things reached a point where facility overcrowding is resulting in many of them being turned away due to lack of space. The authorities were puzzled at first as the phenomenon was widespread and largely precluded the possibility of a mass breakout at a local Perdue or Tyson facility. One local reporter even made a phone call to a well-placed retired colonel who is knowledgeable about the poultry industry. Unfortunately, this didn’t shed any further light on the mystery, as the polite southern gentleman pronounced that ”business was as finger-lickin’good as ever” with no reported shortages of raw materials.

A few clues eventually began to surface in the mainstream media. A recent Time Magazine article discussed the roots of the chicken abandonment problem and quoted the owner of The Chicken Run Rescue facility in Minneapolis as stating: “It’s the stupid foodies” and “We’re just sick to death of it.” Another animal rescue group in Seattle, Ducks and Clucks, told The Daily Caller that “hipster urban yuppie types who entertained romanticized notions of raising farm animals” were to blame for the crisis.

This led animal rights activists to proceed to conduct surveillance at several of the more prominent shelters to see if they could identify the method of transportation used to deliver the chickens. Soon, a pattern was revealed in the shadowy arrival of abandoned chickens. As had been suspected earlier by the reporters, they were being dropped off by people who appeared to fit the pattern of hipsterism, either by their garb, hair, demeanor or mode of conveyance. The chickens were seen to arrive transported in Kånken backpacks, in handlebar baskets on single-speed bicycles, in the trunks of flashy hybrids and in one instance, a dilapidated VW bus was observed to disgorge several dozen chickens before speeding down a dimly lit alley into the night.

It was now becoming clear that the unfortunate fowl were casualties of a dysfunctional locavore movement. The thought of stimulating production of healthy organic food in local communities was attractive to hipsters and it was a well-intentioned effort that initially enjoyed success as bumper crops of homegrown tomatoes, lettuce, zucchini, beans and other tasty summer staples flourished. Chicken coops soon followed as the hipsters moved on to focus on fresh egg production.

At first, everything went well for the chickens. During the course of their tenure in their comfortable urban settings, the chickens began to emulate their masters by dressing in ragged retro clothes, donning Kangol berets, wearing lenseless tortoiseshell glasses and surreptitiously learning how to play the hipsters’ musical instruments. They even went as far as sneaking sips from their owners’ unattended cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, all the while secretly cackling out old Pabst marketing slogans, such as “Pabst makes it perfect.” Oblivious to their eventual fate, the flocks reveled in tipple and song with only passing concern regarding what the future might hold for them.

Everything went splendidly for a while as hipsters, enthralled with pets that also produced breakfast, proceeded to purchase wholesale quantities of cute fuzzy little chicks. The fact that some might grow up to be roosters never crossed the hipsters’ minds. But as nature would have it, half of the hatchlings turned out to be roosters that were not only incapable of laying eggs, but also soon became an annoyance to entire neighborhoods with their early morning crowing. The hipster foodies were placed under increasing pressure by the communities to do something about the pre-dawn cacophony. This led some people to suggest that this was a major contributing factor to a spike in the downloading of Julia Child’s iconic recipe for Coq au Vin off the Internet.

Hazel was ultimately dumped on a street corner in a bad part of town and left to fend for herself. Later, she and a handful of surviving friends would recount harrowing tales about the fate of roosters who failed to live up to the foodies’ expectations regarding egg production. Husbands disappeared mysteriously in the middle of the night, and hipsters were said to have persuaded some of the recent arrivals to join a mysterious religious cult they referred to as the “The Order of Young Friars,” after which time they were never seen again.

Hazel was fortunate in that she was able to grab her master’s ukulele as she was about to be spirited away in a rusty Volvo station wagon with a bad muffler. Now, she performs on street corners hoping to entice passersby to toss a little chicken feed her way.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Two space aliens in vacation attire are toasting a cosmic display

Extraterrestrial campers Bob and Sue raise a glass to toast the spectacular planetary alignment in their home star system of Epsilon Eridani

There was considerable media attention focused on the so-called “Supermoon” that appeared this weekend when a full moon reached its perigee and thus its closest approach to Earth this year, causing it to appear 12% larger than when it will be at its farthest point on January 14, 2014.

However, in another part of the cosmos, a far more impressive display of galactic splendor is underway. Here, otherworldly vacationers Bob and Sue have packed up their Airstream trailer and headed for the Ursae Majoris Hills to observe this year’s spectacular Epsilon Eridani planetary alignment.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

The tomatoes growing on this plant have a strange fishlike appearance

Scientists have been experimenting with combining genes from a fish and a tomato to create a genetically-modified plant that can thrive even in frigid weather in snowbound northern states.

We just knew all this frankenfood experimentation was not going to be without its consequences. Scientists speculated that a winter harvest of tomatoes would be possible outdoors in Wyoming, Montana, Minnesota and North Dakota, and while results have been less than encouraging they still hold out hope for eventual success.

Several focus groups consisting of families, restaurant owners and food critics were established to investigate the public’s reactions to the aroma, flavor, texture and shelf life of the innovative tomato hybrids. After a three-month period, the researchers compiled their findings:

  • The vast majority asserted that the tomatoes make a superb Marinara sauce to accompany seafood
  • Some reported that the sauce made from the tomatoes obviated the need for anchovies on a pizza
  • A few said that the tomatoes made for a rather exotic Blood Mary, and might be an inexpensive natural substitute for Clamato
  • A Vietnamese restaurant came up with a innovative twist on traditional Nước mắm pha fermented fish dipping sauce
  • One chef stated that the tomatoes unleashed an unearthly scream when he dropped them into boiling water to remove their skins.
  • Some experienced difficulties when they attempted to fillet their tomatoes.
  • Others reported that their BLT’s started flapping around when they bit into them.
  • In one instance, a cat demonstrated an unusual fascination with a family’s dinner salads.
  • Another cat began digging up the vegetable garden and leaving tomato stems on the welcome mat at the front door.
  • A woman swore that the tomatoes in her vegetable basket were glowing in the dark
  • There were a number of people complaining that the tomatoes don’t last more than a couple of days in the refrigerator before everything begins to smell and taste like fish.
  • Participants in the annual La Tomatina tomato battle found the fish-tomatoes to be a formidable weapon to use against their opponents in this popular food fight which takes place in the last week of August in the town of Buñol in eastern Spain.

Illustration by Kim Harris

Story by Don Rudisuhle

For another of our frankenfood stories, please go to:

http://fullfrogmoon.com/2011/01/31/yes-virginia-there-is-a-frankenfish/

A little girl accepts a lollipop from a strange fishlike man

Ginny accepts a lollipop from a Frankenfish

All the animals have put on special sweaters that were knitted just for them

The animals were fortunate to be well-prepared for the unanticipated cold snap

Earth Day activities are presently in full swing and people all around the globe are posting their images and stories about climate change and the impact of global warming. However, here in southeast Wyoming, this morning we awoke to freezing temperatures and a brutal snowstorm. Even the animals had to don sweaters to warm up. Fortunately, a prolific knitter had prepared for this eventuality even before the winter began.

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