FullFrogMoon: The Blog of the Frog

GOP Kielbasa Express Rolls Into Tampa

As the storm subsides, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and Seamus ride their homemade Kielbasa-Mobile into Tampa just in time to gavel open the 2012 Republican Convention

With the annoyance of Hurricane Isaac fading behind them, Republicans from far and wide are converging on Tampa, Florida to rally for their candidates and champion their proposed agenda for the country.

In order to draw attention to President Obama’s divisive policies, party strategists decided to revive the “E Pluribus Unum” motto to underscore the party’s commitment to diversity while at the same bringing all factions of the country together to strive towards a common goal of jobs and prosperity. “Out of many, one?” –Rep. Ryan immediately seized upon the expression clamoring “That’s just how sausage is made!” As an avid hunter and a member of Congress, Rep. Ryan is no stranger to the intricacies of making sausages. In his home state of Wisconsin, his prowess in making kielbasa is undisputed among fellow Cheeseheads.

Furthermore, since Rep. Ryan was once a salesman for Oscar Mayer in Minnesota, he has valuable experience with selling the sausage concept without disclosing too many details as to what went into its making, thus putting him in a strong position to articulate the Republican message on the convention floor.

In a moment of inspiration, Rep. Ryan suggested to his running mate that they rent the Weinermobile to ride into Tampa in a parade that will signal the official beginning of the Republican National Convention. Gov. Romney concurred that the imagery of a giant sausage coursing the streets of Tampa would give the campaign a boost and energize their supporters.

There was a problem, though. Among their many campaign themes was “Build America by buying American” and this gave rise to some concerns regarding potential criticism associated with riding in a vehicle built on an Isuzu chassis manufactured overseas in Japan, Gov. Romney decided against using the official Weinermobile, this in spite of his Rep. Ryan’s proficiency in its operation acquired during his college years.

So, in order to demonstrate their unshakable commitment to financial austerity and responsible spending, the duo agreed to build a custom vehicle using a vintage 1950 Plymouth Special Deluxe 4 Door Sedan that Gov. Romney found in an abandoned barn in western Massachusetts. The two did it all by themselves in their spare time, and without government help.

Seamus reluctantly agreed to accompany his owner on the jaunt in order to refute allegations of abuse and demonstrate for once and for all that he enjoys riding in a kennel on top of a vehicle. This cooperation was predicated on an understanding that he would be rewarded afterwards with one of Rep. Ryan’s tasty homemade kielbasa sausages.

The principle of lower taxes is going to be met with universal acclaim. Nevertheless, the two candidates face numerous daunting obstacles in selling their programs to the electorate, such as widespread public skepticism regarding the viability of devolving Medicaid to the states in the form of block grants that would be conveyed to insolvent spendthrift states like California, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada and New Jersey. What’s more, Rep Ryan’s bold plan for privatizing Medicare has many older Americans wondering if they are going to be on the receiving end of the sausage.

Let the good times roll!

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle