Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Archive for May, 2011

Krampus Takes a Vacation

The horned Krampus monster is on the beach with hula dancers

Krampus relaxes on the beach for a well-deserved vacation

After a long cold holiday season of scaring naughty children into exhibiting better behavior, Krampus takes a well-deserved vacation at a warm tropical location. On the beach on Maui, Krampus sips a cold refreshing beverage while enjoying a presentation by a local hula troupe.

In the United States, Santa is taken for granted. It is a foregone conclusion that Santa will always deliver on the presents. Kids in America don’t know how good they have it because no matter how naughty they have been during the year, Santa will never fail to bring them something. In fact, the very worst they can expect is that Santa will fill their Christmas stockings with lumps of coal. This is not the end of the world, because with the soaring cost of energy reaching unprecedented heights, the children can easily pool their lumps of coal and sell them to the local power utility and use the cash to buy the gifts that Santa did not bring due to their naughtiness.

However, in Europe, children have a lot more to fear, particularly in Austria, Switzerland, Croatia and Germany. In those countries, jolly old St. Nick hands out gifts on his feast day of December 6th. However, he does not punish children himself no matter how bad they have been. Instead, he delegates that task to a terrifying horned creature called the Krampus, who accompanies Santa on his visits and metes out punishment according to Santa’s instructions.

The children that Santa has fingered as naughty are seized by the Krampus, who whips them with a switch of birch branches or with rusty chains. In extreme cases involving exceptionally naughty children, the Krampus is said to carry them in his backpack to the forest where he proceeds to devour them. Alternatively, the Krampus simply stuffs them into a sack which he then tosses into a stream.

People who have observed the widespread lack of discipline, manners and work ethic that characterizes today’s youth have suggested that a serious dose of Krampus might be in order here in America.

The origin of the Krampus can be traced back thousands of years. It is believed that the Krampus was an evolution of the Norse god Loki that was slowly assimilated into Christian tradition. Many European countries today organize Krampus festivals on December 5th, the day before St. Nick arrives. A number of designated individuals dress up as the Krampus and go from house to house scaring children with their growls and their switches and drinking schnapps with their parents. As the night progresses, it is not unusual to see the Krampus throwing up in the gutter.

If a Krampus should approach you in the darkness of night, you will certainly know him by his long horns and his most unusual characteristic of having one humanlike foot and another that resembles a cloven hoof of a goat.

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The Rolling Rapture Repast

Image announcing the special Rapture meal

A meal to see out the end of the world

Well, folks, the end of the world is nigh, and due to the short warning issued by the religious authorities, there has been little time to prepare for the impending demise of the human race.

Click here to see the entire menu

It’s too late for that long-postponed Caribbean cruise. Don’t even bother paying the mortgage or your credit card bills, because in heaven everything is free and in any event you will be beyond the reach of creditors and collection agencies. However, you might want to keep your cell phone account current in case the trip takes longer than expected. Also, in the event you end up spending some unforeseen time in purgatory, it would be prudent to pack a small bag with a toothbrush and a few clean socks and underwear.

Here is a proposed menu that you can prepare to see out the end of the world with. By dinnertime, everything will be over, so the meal is designed to be a sort of “super brunch” which you should serve in the late morning or early afternoon, depending on your time zone.

Better hurry to the supermarket and the liquor store because the word of approaching doom is getting out fast and all you may find for your last meal are Ball-Park Franks and Old Milwaukee beer.

The Three Graces of Greek Mythology Have Not Aged Well

The aging Three Graces of Greek Mythology on the couch

Life’s worries and woes have taken their toll on the Three Graces of Greek Mythology.

A few days ago, the respected Standard & Poor’s credit rating agency downgraded Greece’s short-term sovereign debt from “B” to “C” status, effectively reducing it to junk status. The long-term debt didn’t fare much better, plunging from “BB-“ to “B,” making it a highly speculative investment.

Years of overspending. Unsustainable deficits in excess of 10% of GDP. 16% unemployment. Labor unrest. Student riots. Burgeoning public debt. A humiliating $156 billion financial bailout from the European Union and the International Monetary Fund and an additional $45 billion under consideration. 10-year bonds yielding 15.6%. Looming default on May 19, when 8.5 billion Euros worth of bond payments come due. Greece’s perennial foe, Turkey, backing Iran’s nuclear swap. Iran elected to the U.N. Commission on the Status of Women. Concerns over their insolvent pension fund, and, to top it off, the embarrassing adulterated olive oil scandal.

All these issues and more have weighed heavily on Aglaea, the Goddess of beauty, Euphrosyne, the Goddess of mirth and Thalia, the Goddess of good cheer. It shows.

Bigfoot and Chupacabra Celebrate Cinco de Mayo

Bigfoot and a Chupcabra are drinking beer

Bigfoot and Chupi Chupacabra quaff a cold one to celebrate Cinco de Mayo

To celebrate Cinco de Mayo, Bigfoot and Chupi Chupacabra met at a bar at an isolated location in Mexico to share a cold beer and tell spellbinding stories about their adventures frightening tourists, hikers and bird watchers.

Para celebrar el Cinco de Mayo, el Pie Grande y Chupi Chupacabras se reunieron en una cantina en un sitio aislado en México para compartir una cerveza helada y contar cuentos apasionantes de sus aventuras asustando a turistas, excursionistas y observadores de aves.

Chupacabra Cinco de Mayo Fiesta

A chupacabra dances to a chicken mariachi band

The chicken mariachi band is the life of the fiesta

In a small remote village in the north of Mexico, a lovely lady Chupacabra dances to the rhythm of a chicken mariachi band while her husband strums the classical guitar.

En una pequeña población remota en el norte de México, una hermosa Chupacabras baila al compás de un conjunto de pollos mariachis mientras que su marido rasguea la guitarra clásica.

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