Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Mr & Mrs Bigfoot, Junior Bigfoot and their two terriers are riding in a classic convertible

The Bigfoot Family of sasquatches is taking a Sunday drive in their classic 1953 Ford Crestline Sunliner convertible to reminisce about the carefree days before instant communications and social media spawned a generation of pesky cryptozoology zealots.

Contrary to some scientific theories based on data extrapolated from known species of large primates, Sasquatches actually live extraordinarily long lives. Papa Bigfoot can remember way back to the times that predate mechanized transportation when the only humans he encountered in the wilderness were on foot or on horseback. But one day, the tranquility of the woods was shattered when a noisy chattering Ford Model T Ford emerged from the trees belching noxious fumes as it worked its way up a hill. These invasions of their once tranquil domain persisted and grew more frequent. Then, in the 1960s, a flood of cheap pulp magazines featuring sensational accounts of frightening human interactions with Sasquatches hit the newsstands and launched an era of annoying Bigfoot enthusiasts, researchers and hunters.

The Bigfoot family made the difficult decision to move deeper into the forest to avoid contact with these ghastly mechanical abominations and their loathsome occupants that were now appearing throughout the country. For this reason, Sasquatches are not seen as frequently today as in the past when humans and Sasquatches routinely interacted with Native Americans and traded firewood for food. It is said that some tribes even learned to communicate with Sasquatches using their own language which is characterized by crude vocalizations consisting of whistles, grunts and birdlike chirps.

Or so they say…

The truth is that Sasquatches have learned English and other human languages and can carry on a perfectly credible telephone conversation without arousing any suspicions on the part of the person they are communicating with. The Bigfoot Family routinely orders takeout from a local Chinese restaurant which they pay for with money filched from sleeping hikers’ backpacks. When a delivery is imminent, they leave it on a picnic table for the delivery person to find before retreating into the woods.

Sasquatches are known to have supernatural abilities that allow them to escape detection. They can use hypnosis and low-frequency infrasound to induce short-term memory loss in people who have seen them. Junior Bigfoot once used telepathic suggestion to get free extra cheese on a pizza that the family had delivered to a park on the outskirts of town. Earlier on, before he started his family, Papa Bigfoot opened up a trans-dimensional portal into Dearborn, Michigan and drove a brand new 1953 Ford Crestline Sunliner convertible right off a dealer’s showroom back into the portal while the salesman was in the office struggling to close a sale on it with a reluctant customer. Junior has christened the car “The Fortean Falcon” and enjoys the family excursions in the mountains with their two terriers, Meldrum and Heuvelmans. They use their capability of becoming invisible to avoid creating a distraction for other drivers on the road.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

N.B. The author has never seen a Sasquatch, but he has actually gone for a ride in a real-life restored Ford Model T. During the years he lived in Mexico he drove a 1956 Buick Special convertible not unlike the Bigfoots’ 1953 Ford.

Ted Cruz is chasing The Donald who is flying an antique airplane

Aspiring high flyers, heed this sage advice: “Keep thy wings level and maintain thine airspeed lest the ground rise up and smite thee mightily.”

 
Flyin’ Ted beats his wings hard to catch up to The Donald’s Juggernaut

After campaigning out West in the delegate-rich states of California, Washington and Oregon, Donald Trump decided to forgo his private Boeing 757 jet and make a dramatic entrance at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland by landing a World War II vintage Ryan PT-22 trainer in the parking lot of the Quicken Loans Arena. As Trump homes in on Cleveland, Flyin’ Ted is cruzin’ hard and shedding feathers in his wake as he tries to catch up to The Donald and his pilot, Captain Eddie. Flyin’ Ted’s last hope is to collect enough delegates before July to feather his nest at what he believes could be a contested convention that could score him the nomination.

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“He was not bone and feather but a perfect idea of freedom and flight, limited by nothing at all”
― Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull

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N.B. For you aviation buffs out there, the airplane is a Ryan PT-22 “Recruit” which was used as a trainer by the United States Army Air Forces during World War II. A civilian version of the PT-22, a Ryan Aeronautical ST3KR, was in the news in March 2015 when actor Harrison Ford experienced an engine failure after departing from Santa Monica airport. He was forced to crash-land on a nearby golf course where he sustained serious injuries.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Governor John Kasich is riding a dragon against a backdrop of windmills

Fearless Governor John Quixotich prepares to vanquish his towering opponents against virtually insurmountable odds.

 
Faced with the prospect of jousting with opponents of overwhelming stature, fearless governor John Quixotich exchanges his trusty steed Rocinante for a fierce fire-breathing dragon and charges forth with a battle cry “It’s time for nice guys to get noticed.”

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Victorious Bernie Sanders and Sanderista Comandante Chimichurri stand side-by-side

Bernie Sandwich and his loyal Sanderista supporter Comandante Chimichurri bask in the limelight of his stunning victory over Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire Primary.

The punditsphere was alive with chatter last week about the latest developments in the Race for 2016. Overwhelmed by Bernie’s Sanders’ stunning defeat of his archrival Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire primary, newscasters far and wide stumbled as they scrambled to find words to disseminate the news of Bernie’s unexpected victory. Megyn Kelly of Fox News referred to the candidate as “Bernie Sandals,” a possible Freudian slip alluding to his appeal to the retro Beard-and-Birkenstock crowd. Not to be outdone, MSNBC host Chris Hayes called him “Bernie Sandwiches” during a live newscast, likely an unintentional reference to the hunger he was experiencing as a consequence of his long hours on the air covering the election results.

Furthermore, the widely-publicized and retweeted gaffes revealed the existence of a new genre of supporters, the Sanderistas, whose growing numbers are dominating social media political traffic. Here, Bernie sports his lucky sandals as he and his compadre, Comandante Chimichurri revel in the limelight of his triumph.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

The Trumpus carts away a load of candidates in a basket and a sled

The Trumpus spirits away a load of naughty office-seekers to be whipped in his underground lair deep inside the elegant and exclusive Trumpus Tunnel and Casino deep beneath Atlantic City.

In Germany, Austria and Italy, Santa and Krampus have been in a partnership since time immemorial. Their special compact specifies that Santa will reward the good children and Krampus, a part-demon, part-goat creature, has the responsibility of punishing the bad ones. This way, Santa does not tarnish his public image as a kind, jovial old fellow loved by all.

In the United States, the worst a naughty child can expect from Santa is a lump of coal in a Christmas stocking. However, in Europe, the fate of misbehaving children is far grimmer. Santa doesn’t bother with them. After leaving presents for the good kids, he instructs Krampus to collect the naughty ones and stuff them in his basket to be taken away to be whipped with switches made of birch twigs, or worse, to be devoured altogether.

Due to the alarming increase in naughtiness and bad behavior on the part of adults around the world, Santa decided to add a new position to his holiday workforce. His longstanding sidekick Krampus will now be getting some much-needed assistance from Trumpus, a new hire from America.

Over the last few months, Santa had deployed a number of his best Elves on a Shelf to infiltrate the homes of prominent candidates and observe their behavior. When the elves reported back with their findings, Santa was horrified by what he heard, especially regarding the appalling exchange of insults and accusations between the candidates. Santa instructed Trumpus to mete out deserving punishment to them. The wily Trumpus lured them all in under the pretense of a sleigh ride to a political rally where wealthy donors would be present. But before they knew it, they were collected into a basket and swiftly consigned to a dungeon in Trumpus’ subterranean lair in the elegant and exclusive Trumpus Tunnel and Casino beneath Atlantic City where they soon realized that all the slot machines are rigged, the hors d’oeuvres are stale and none of the drinks are free.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Senators Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are dancing energetically to 70’s era disco music

In a fit of nostalgia for the happier times of yesteryear, Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren demonstrate that they can still bring back the old days by dancing enthusiastically to the iconic tunes of the bygone disco era.

The dance-off is on! Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren tear up the dance floor to the Bee Gees’ 1977 hit tune “Stayin’ Alive” proving that these two can still cut a mean rug.

Bernie’s dance style is a little bit country and a little bit city, hip-hop, with some fancy two-step footwork thrown in. Liz relies heavily on The Hustle. Each incorporates a hint of Funky Chicken flavor to their moves.

The competition begins to heat up as Governor Martin O’Malley gets ready on the sidelines to shimmy his way into the spotlight.

Next number requested by the crowd at Bob’s All Nite Disco and Oxygen Bar will be Gloria Gaynor’s hit 70’s song “ I will Survive” followed by Peaches and Herb’s “Shake your Groove Thing”

The night is young and the cappuccino scented oxygen is flowing freely.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

A coyote with sunglasses is enjoying a drink at an outdoor cafe

While rummaging through the trash in the dumpster behind a trendy café in Lower Manhattan, Bob the Coyote couldn’t believe his good fortune when he found a coupon for a free beverage of his choice stuck to a piece of smelly cheese.

Bob settled into a sunny sidewalk seat and being a coyote of some refinement, he ordered an icy cold Salty Dog to relax before retreating to the comfort of his den on the top floor of a nearby parking garage. After checking his ID and his rabies vaccination tag, the waiter graciously accepted the coupon and brought Bob his drink.

You see, in the wake of a recent incident in Norwood, N.J. where a man was bitten by a coyote thought to be rabid, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene began requiring that any canid frequenting an establishment serving food and beverage had to be vaccinated against rabies. This regulation came after a scientific determination that the herd immunity effect did not apply to packs of coyotes.

New York is a progressive city that takes pride in its diversity and Mayor Bill de Blasio has granted coyotes a special status as “citizen canids” with all of the accompanying rights and privileges. It has been reported that newly reelected Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is looking into a similar program for the Windy City’s estimated 2,000 resident coyotes.

The folks of the Big Apple can expect to be sharing more of their fair city’s fine dining establishments with their furred quadruped compatriots as the southward migration of coyotes from wooded areas of the Bronx continues to feed the exploding coyote populations in Brooklyn and Manhattan.

“Table for four adults and three pups. Seven o’clock? Got it.”

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

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