Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

The Vintner

A grape man with a hat drinking a class of wine.

François was a changed man following an unfortunate accident at the winery.

François the winemaker was overcome by CO2 gas emanating from the fermenting grape must and fell in the vat. When he was discovered days later by his associates, he was a changed man.

Art print is available at

Not the Smartest Pumpkin in the Patch

Poor Junior. No one told him what was in the pie. Oh, the humanity!


A pumpkin-headed kid is about ready to eat a piece of pumpkin pie.

No one told junior about the pie.


This illustration is from Day 18 of my contributions to Mabs Drawlloween Daily Art Challenge on Instagram. The prompt was titled “Dumbest Pumpkin.”

Frank’s Holiday Baking

We always look forward to Frank’s holiday baking. His pumpkin spice cookies are to die for.

Frankenstein holds a freshly baked tray of pumpkin spice cookies.

Try one of my cookies. They’re to die for.

This illustration is from Day 13 of my contributions to Mabs Drawlloween Daily Art Challenge on Instagram.

Dining with the Devil

Mary is sharing a hot dog lunch with Prince of Darkness

An age-old adage states that “”He who sups with the devil should have a long spoon”

Mary was enjoying her hot dog lunch when the Prince of Darkness unashamedly invited himself to share her table. As a precaution against any unwelcome advances on his part, she asked the waiter to bring a long spoon to serve the mustard.

Happy Valentine’s Day

A pampered furry dog is sitting at an elegant dinner table with wine and roses

May your Valentine’s Day be embellished with wine and roses and a romantic dinner in the company of a dreamy stranger with mysterious eyes hiding behind fleecy golden locks.

Happy Valentine’s Day Everybody!

Photo by Don Rudisuhle

Abandoned hipster chickens struggle to make ends meet

A destitute chicken is playing a ukulele on a street corner hoping for tips

Cruelly abandoned by her hipster master who felt that taking care of her was too much of a burden, Hazel was forced to shed her dignity and was reduced to selling eggs and playing music on the street for strangers in hope of securing her next meal.

It all began several years ago with the troubling news that chickens and roosters were arriving in unprecedented numbers at animal shelters and sanctuaries throughout the United States and Canada. Recently, things reached a point where facility overcrowding is resulting in many of them being turned away due to lack of space. The authorities were puzzled at first as the phenomenon was widespread and largely precluded the possibility of a mass breakout at a local Perdue or Tyson facility. One local reporter even made a phone call to a well-placed retired colonel who is knowledgeable about the poultry industry. Unfortunately, this didn’t shed any further light on the mystery, as the polite southern gentleman pronounced that ”business was as finger-lickin’good as ever” with no reported shortages of raw materials.

A few clues eventually began to surface in the mainstream media. A recent Time Magazine article discussed the roots of the chicken abandonment problem and quoted the owner of The Chicken Run Rescue facility in Minneapolis as stating: “It’s the stupid foodies” and “We’re just sick to death of it.” Another animal rescue group in Seattle, Ducks and Clucks, told The Daily Caller that “hipster urban yuppie types who entertained romanticized notions of raising farm animals” were to blame for the crisis.

This led animal rights activists to proceed to conduct surveillance at several of the more prominent shelters to see if they could identify the method of transportation used to deliver the chickens. Soon, a pattern was revealed in the shadowy arrival of abandoned chickens. As had been suspected earlier by the reporters, they were being dropped off by people who appeared to fit the pattern of hipsterism, either by their garb, hair, demeanor or mode of conveyance. The chickens were seen to arrive transported in Kånken backpacks, in handlebar baskets on single-speed bicycles, in the trunks of flashy hybrids and in one instance, a dilapidated VW bus was observed to disgorge several dozen chickens before speeding down a dimly lit alley into the night.

It was now becoming clear that the unfortunate fowl were casualties of a dysfunctional locavore movement. The thought of stimulating production of healthy organic food in local communities was attractive to hipsters and it was a well-intentioned effort that initially enjoyed success as bumper crops of homegrown tomatoes, lettuce, zucchini, beans and other tasty summer staples flourished. Chicken coops soon followed as the hipsters moved on to focus on fresh egg production.

At first, everything went well for the chickens. During the course of their tenure in their comfortable urban settings, the chickens began to emulate their masters by dressing in ragged retro clothes, donning Kangol berets, wearing lenseless tortoiseshell glasses and surreptitiously learning how to play the hipsters’ musical instruments. They even went as far as sneaking sips from their owners’ unattended cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, all the while secretly cackling out old Pabst marketing slogans, such as “Pabst makes it perfect.” Oblivious to their eventual fate, the flocks reveled in tipple and song with only passing concern regarding what the future might hold for them.

Everything went splendidly for a while as hipsters, enthralled with pets that also produced breakfast, proceeded to purchase wholesale quantities of cute fuzzy little chicks. The fact that some might grow up to be roosters never crossed the hipsters’ minds. But as nature would have it, half of the hatchlings turned out to be roosters that were not only incapable of laying eggs, but also soon became an annoyance to entire neighborhoods with their early morning crowing. The hipster foodies were placed under increasing pressure by the communities to do something about the pre-dawn cacophony. This led some people to suggest that this was a major contributing factor to a spike in the downloading of Julia Child’s iconic recipe for Coq au Vin off the Internet.

Hazel was ultimately dumped on a street corner in a bad part of town and left to fend for herself. Later, she and a handful of surviving friends would recount harrowing tales about the fate of roosters who failed to live up to the foodies’ expectations regarding egg production. Husbands disappeared mysteriously in the middle of the night, and hipsters were said to have persuaded some of the recent arrivals to join a mysterious religious cult they referred to as the “The Order of Young Friars,” after which time they were never seen again.

Hazel was fortunate in that she was able to grab her master’s ukulele as she was about to be spirited away in a rusty Volvo station wagon with a bad muffler. Now, she performs on street corners hoping to entice passersby to toss a little chicken feed her way.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Tomato fish-hybrids add zest to your meals

The tomatoes growing on this plant have a strange fishlike appearance

Scientists have been experimenting with combining genes from a fish and a tomato to create a genetically-modified plant that can thrive even in frigid weather in snowbound northern states.

We just knew all this frankenfood experimentation was not going to be without its consequences. Scientists speculated that a winter harvest of tomatoes would be possible outdoors in Wyoming, Montana, Minnesota and North Dakota, and while results have been less than encouraging they still hold out hope for eventual success.

Several focus groups consisting of families, restaurant owners and food critics were established to investigate the public’s reactions to the aroma, flavor, texture and shelf life of the innovative tomato hybrids. After a three-month period, the researchers compiled their findings:

  • The vast majority asserted that the tomatoes make a superb Marinara sauce to accompany seafood
  • Some reported that the sauce made from the tomatoes obviated the need for anchovies on a pizza
  • A few said that the tomatoes made for a rather exotic Blood Mary, and might be an inexpensive natural substitute for Clamato
  • A Vietnamese restaurant came up with a innovative twist on traditional Nước mắm pha fermented fish dipping sauce
  • One chef stated that the tomatoes unleashed an unearthly scream when he dropped them into boiling water to remove their skins.
  • Some experienced difficulties when they attempted to fillet their tomatoes.
  • Others reported that their BLT’s started flapping around when they bit into them.
  • In one instance, a cat demonstrated an unusual fascination with a family’s dinner salads.
  • Another cat began digging up the vegetable garden and leaving tomato stems on the welcome mat at the front door.
  • A woman swore that the tomatoes in her vegetable basket were glowing in the dark
  • There were a number of people complaining that the tomatoes don’t last more than a couple of days in the refrigerator before everything begins to smell and taste like fish.
  • Participants in the annual La Tomatina tomato battle found the fish-tomatoes to be a formidable weapon to use against their opponents in this popular food fight which takes place in the last week of August in the town of Buñol in eastern Spain.

Illustration by Kim Harris

Story by Don Rudisuhle

For another of our frankenfood stories, please go to:

A little girl accepts a lollipop from a strange fishlike man

Ginny accepts a lollipop from a Frankenfish

GSA Hot Tub Hijinks in Las Vegas

GSA Hot Tub Hijinks in Las Vegas

Jeffrey Neely, Angry Clown and Gumby enjoy refreshing beverages while relaxing in the hot tub after a hard day of reviewing resorts and sampling gastronomical delicacies.

After a hard day of scouting out resorts and sampling the offerings of Las Vegas’ finest caterers, General Services Administration Western Region Director Jeffrey Neely decided that a bubble bath in his suite at the M Resort in Las Vegas would be in order.

Upon viewing the images in the news media, many have asked the question: Who was the second glass of wine for? Well, not to be selfish, Director Neely decided to share the experience with two colleagues that he had recently identified as prospective performers for the festivities planned in connection with the GSA’s 2010 Western Regions Conference. Mr. Pagliaccio was selected to perform as his character, the cigarette-puffing Angry Clown who continuously creates disharmony in an office environment. Gumby was brought in to reinforce the GSA’s commitment to their “Going Green” campaign. Gumby was also expected to be a guest artist during the Green Man Group’s performance at the conference.

Earlier in the day, the three had sampled the Petite Beef Wellington and Mini Monte Cristo sandwiches that were proposed to be served to the civil servants attending the networking reception. Mr. Neely and Mr. Pagliaccio both ordered a glass of vintage Napa Valley Cabernet from room service. Gumby, who comes from a less privileged background and who arguably has a somewhat unrefined palate, settled for a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

The soothing bath and the relaxing drinks prepared the trio for the next challenging event of their rigorous resort scouting trip. They were tasked with awesome responsibility of evaluating the proposed fare that consisted of Boursin Scalloped Potatoes and Barolo Wine Braised Short Ribs that would be featured at the conference’s closing dinner.

There have been recent stories in the media that reveal that Mr. Neely and his wife have enjoyed holidays in Hawaii and other Pacific islands while ostensibly on important official US Government business. Wow! To be able to live as largely as a Federal civil servant!

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

The World Will be Destroyed by Fire Today!

A green space alien in a chef’s uniform is sautéing the Earth

A seasoned extraterrestrial chef sautés the Earth in fulfillment of the prophesies of doomsday preacher Harold Camping

Well, there was no evidence of a widespread rapture event on May 21, 2011 and the dead didn’t clamber out of their graves and float skyward. This came as a shock to those followers of doomsday preacher Harold Camping who had quit their jobs, sold all their possessions and maxed out their credit cards in anticipation of their imminent demise. According to Camping, the rapture did actually occur, but it was a stealthy rapture that passed unnoticed by the faithful and nonbelievers alike. Now, Camping asserts that the world will end on October 21, 2011, when it will be destroyed by fire.

This time there will be no billboards, pamphlets or $100 million advertising outreach campaigns to the public. Camping does not believe that the world will end in a flash and a puff of smoke. Rather, he thinks that the end will arrive very, very quietly. However, Camping had no idea that world’s destiny was to slowly simmer over low heat until crispy and then be briefly flambéed with a celestial cognac for the dining pleasure of a group of hungry extraterrestrial beings.

So folks, cancel all your appointments and break out that good bottle of wine that you have secreted away in the cellar. You won’t be needing it for the holidays, so you had better enjoy it today before global warming takes on an altogether new meaning.

In any event, if this one doesn’t pan out, there is always the December 21, 2012 apocalypse predicted by the Mayan calendar that will be triggered by the alignment of the planets and presided over by the Aztec feathered serpent deity Quetzalcoatl.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

The Rolling Rapture Repast

Image announcing the special Rapture meal

A meal to see out the end of the world

Well, folks, the end of the world is nigh, and due to the short warning issued by the religious authorities, there has been little time to prepare for the impending demise of the human race.

Click here to see the entire menu

It’s too late for that long-postponed Caribbean cruise. Don’t even bother paying the mortgage or your credit card bills, because in heaven everything is free and in any event you will be beyond the reach of creditors and collection agencies. However, you might want to keep your cell phone account current in case the trip takes longer than expected. Also, in the event you end up spending some unforeseen time in purgatory, it would be prudent to pack a small bag with a toothbrush and a few clean socks and underwear.

Here is a proposed menu that you can prepare to see out the end of the world with. By dinnertime, everything will be over, so the meal is designed to be a sort of “super brunch” which you should serve in the late morning or early afternoon, depending on your time zone.

Better hurry to the supermarket and the liquor store because the word of approaching doom is getting out fast and all you may find for your last meal are Ball-Park Franks and Old Milwaukee beer.

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