Velma was late to the Gala at the planetarium because her mind was elsewhere.
Velma was dressed and ready to attend this year’s “Stars are Out Tonight” Gala at the planetarium. She was a world-renowned astrophysicist and the guest of honor at the event. She should have been there by now, but there were problems to be solved and her mind was somewhere else.
This print is available at fullfrogmoon.etsy.com
Extraterrestrial campers Bob and Sue raise a glass to toast the spectacular planetary alignment in their home star system of Epsilon Eridani
There was considerable media attention focused on the so-called “Supermoon” that appeared this weekend when a full moon reached its perigee and thus its closest approach to Earth this year, causing it to appear 12% larger than when it will be at its farthest point on January 14, 2014.
However, in another part of the cosmos, a far more impressive display of galactic splendor is underway. Here, otherworldly vacationers Bob and Sue have packed up their Airstream trailer and headed for the Ursae Majoris Hills to observe this year’s spectacular Epsilon Eridani planetary alignment.
Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle
A tiny alien luxuriates in my bowl of chicken vegetable soup. He even brought his own towel.
For years, reports of sightings of tiny aliens have been trickling in from all around the globe. Mysterious little creatures, some only a few inches tall, have been turning up in Russia, Mexico, Peru, Chile and other countries. Their appearance varies considerably, from rubbery doll-like figures with a vague resemblance to Sesame Street characters all the way to shriveled, desiccated husks that look like some sort of stale cosmic kippers.
I had left the kitchen window open one balmy afternoon when suddenly a small spaceship hovered into the room and gently settled on a shelf next to the dining room table. A hatch opened and a tiny being scaled down the ladder and addressed me quite straightforwardly. “You wouldn’t happen to have any soup, would you?”
Well it just so happened that I had just prepared a bowl of chicken vegetable soup and was getting ready to sit down to enjoy it. Before I could even get to my chair, the little alien shimmied up the table leg and quickly removed his spacesuit and boots, draped his towel over one of the handles on the bowl and jumped into the steaming liquid.
Senator Robert Menéndez and Doctor Delray prepare to board a private jet to fly to the Dominican Republic so the senator can undergo Bunga-Bunga therapy to treat his acute case of Pon Farr.
Senator Robert Menendez has been keeping a secret. Although it has been widely suspected among congressional circles for some years, it is only now coming to the awareness of the public as a result of the attention being focused on Senator Menendez by the media over his mysterious trips to the Dominican Republic. The press has been exploring allegations that the Senator has been traveling frequently to that resort island for purposes of enjoying the companionship of young women.
These claims came as a total surprise to many people given that the senator had recently attended “Women for Menendez,” a campaign event hosted by a political committee designed to raise money for his reelection last November. The event touted the senator’s record of success as a champion of women’s issues and his commitment to make sure young people are empowered to reach their full potential.
In view of his stellar record as a champion for women’s rights, these allegations of philandering could not possibly be true. Or could they? Is it possible that Senator Menendez could have been influenced by factors beyond his control? The answer lies in his closely guarded family secret.
It appears that sometime in the very distant past during a time when a Vulcan starship was visiting Earth on a scientific mission, its crew was allowed to disembark on shore leave to explore this unusual planet about which little was known at the time. During that short excursion, the ship’s legal counselor experienced an acute episode of Pon Farr, which as all Star Trek fans know, is an affliction unique to Vulcans whereby they undergo an irresistible urge to mate. Vulcans will die if they fail to identify and mate with a compatible partner within a short window of time.
It just so happened that the Vulcan legal counselor strayed into a nearby village and immediately established empathy with an attractive young Earth maiden whom he had quickly befriended (and seduced with the help of a tankard of Romulan ale.) He hastily satisfied his Pon Farr urges and headed back to the rendezvous point to be beamed back aboard his ship. Just as he was dissolving into an effervescent fog, he waved his universal translator and yelled out “I’ll call you!” to the girl.
The child that resulted from that union grew up to be a revered member of the community due to his unique pointed ears. He was considered to be a sage among his people and was responsible for many innovations that improved everyone’s quality of life. Untold generations later, Robert Menéndez was born of that lineage that carried the Vulcan DNA.
So that was the Senator’s secret. He was part Vulcan. His slightly elongated ears did not particularly betray him, but even back in grade school he irritated his classmates with his logical interpretations of everyday events and he was a hit with the girls when he demonstrated his ability to make a greeting gesture by forming a V with his fingers spread apart between his middle finger and his ring finger while quipping “live long and ace the social studies quiz.“ He was also popular with the nerdy intellectual kids because he could drive the meanest playground bullies into submission by simply applying the Vulcan Nerve Pinch to their necks.
So fast forward to 2013, where Bob Menendez is now a US Senator and Chairman of the powerful Senate Foreign Relations Committee. Since late last year, he has suffered repeated assaults in the media regarding extra-official trips to the Dominican Republic on private jets for the purpose of engaging in sexual trysts with young women. Then, as the newspapers and political bloggers began to suggest that the Chairman Menendez was giving a new interpretation to the term “foreign relations,” his staffers rushed to exercise damage control. “It wasn’t his fault,” they asserted in chorus as an increasing number of women began to come forward with lurid accounts of boozy evenings spent in the company of the senator at elegant private villas in Santo Domingo.
Indeed, it was not his fault. He could not help himself and cannot really be held accountable for his actions. The senator had inherited a recessive gene from his Vulcan ancestor that left him vulnerable to progressively more severe episodes of Pon Farr whereby he had to immediately seek out intimate female companionship in order to avoid succumbing to the condition’s potentially fatal consequences. As it turned out , his closest aides had been aware of the senator’s affliction for some time and had become concerned about the possibility of an embarrassing incident on the Senate floor should Senator Menendez lose all control and attempt to satisfy his uncontrollable urges with, heaven forbid, a female colleague like California Senator Diane Feinstein.
Menendez’s staffers had quietly enlisted the aid of a respected Florida physician who has extensive experience treating this physical and psychological disorder and who has worked with other high profile politicians in developing a remedy for those afflicted. Several years ago, the physician, who prefers to go by the moniker “Dr. Delray.” worked with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi to develop a highly effective course of therapy which was rolled into a ritual that they called “Bunga-Bunga,” that emulates an ancient Vulcan tradition.
Since Pon Farr is a very private matter for Vulcans, Dr. Delray arranged to quietly spirit the senator off to the Dominican Republic where he could discreetly undergo Pon Farr at secretive Bunga-Bunga ceremonies at the doctor’s villa. It was necessary to transport Senator Menendez in the Doctor’s private jet because his staffers felt that it could be a public embarrassment if he suddenly could not control his Pon Farr urges aboard a commercial airliner. (even if the flight attendants were not as youthful and attractive as they were back when he was a young man.)
Because Pon Farr’s effects are difficult to predict and could erupt at any moment without warning, Doctor Delray engaged a renown Romulan therapist with a Eastern European ties to watch over the Senator during his flight and take care of him should he experience a sudden surge of Pon Farr energy while airborne.
The news media is correct in stating that the senator cannot really be held accountable for actions because he is undergoing Pon Farr, a medical and psychological phenomenon that is unique to Vulcans. Furthermore, the senator himself is cautioning any potential political critics that he will consider any negative comments about his activities to be evidence of discrimination against him based on his Vulcan heritage.
We have come in peace to collect your penguins. We are taking them to a better place.
Not too terribly long ago, I was perusing through my blog’s logs and stumbled across a search string that I found rather intriguing. It read “Alien abductions frogs from Antarctica.” At first, it struck me as an odd query, but as I looked through scientific articles on the web, I realized that there was genuine concern about the diminishing population of emperor penguins in Antarctica. The scientists attribute this phenomenon to climate change, but could the depletion in the number of penguins be attributable to alien abductions? Could the alien frogs have observed the melting of the glaciers and the breakup of the ice shelves and concluded that the best way to save this cherished species would be to transport them away to a safer place where they would enjoy better protection? I can only speculate that on the alien frogs’ planet, penguins are a highly appreciated species, and periodic expeditions are sent out around the galaxy to collect them and bring them back as pets and mascots for the frogs.
Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle
A seasoned extraterrestrial chef sautés the Earth in fulfillment of the prophesies of doomsday preacher Harold Camping
Well, there was no evidence of a widespread rapture event on May 21, 2011 and the dead didn’t clamber out of their graves and float skyward. This came as a shock to those followers of doomsday preacher Harold Camping who had quit their jobs, sold all their possessions and maxed out their credit cards in anticipation of their imminent demise. According to Camping, the rapture did actually occur, but it was a stealthy rapture that passed unnoticed by the faithful and nonbelievers alike. Now, Camping asserts that the world will end on October 21, 2011, when it will be destroyed by fire.
This time there will be no billboards, pamphlets or $100 million advertising outreach campaigns to the public. Camping does not believe that the world will end in a flash and a puff of smoke. Rather, he thinks that the end will arrive very, very quietly. However, Camping had no idea that world’s destiny was to slowly simmer over low heat until crispy and then be briefly flambéed with a celestial cognac for the dining pleasure of a group of hungry extraterrestrial beings.
So folks, cancel all your appointments and break out that good bottle of wine that you have secreted away in the cellar. You won’t be needing it for the holidays, so you had better enjoy it today before global warming takes on an altogether new meaning.
In any event, if this one doesn’t pan out, there is always the December 21, 2012 apocalypse predicted by the Mayan calendar that will be triggered by the alignment of the planets and presided over by the Aztec feathered serpent deity Quetzalcoatl.
Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle
An artist’s rendering of the harrowing escape by President Obama and his trusted advisers just as the Earth is assimilated into the green hole of debt
NASA scientists recently announced that they have been watching a high-energy radiation beam emanating from a remote galaxy 3.9 billion light years away. Their findings were published last week and revealed that the beam, which astronomers have named Swift J 1644+57, was likely a black hole that was in the process of capturing and absorbing a hapless star that innocently wandered into its neighborhood.
Just a few days later, NASA scientists informed the White House that they had observed the possible formation of a similar black hole in close proximity to the Earth. Closer examination of the phenomenon revealed that it was actually a green hole that appeared to consist of a nebula of worthless US currency. Unprecedented government spending over the last several decades congealed into a critical mass of depreciated dollars circulating around the Earth and ultimately collapsed into a voracious vortex from which nothing could escape. The gravitational effects of this phenomenon were believed to be provoking earthquakes and spawning extreme weather around the globe and the anomaly was now beginning to digest the moon.
This horrifying discovery was promptly classified and White House staffers immediately declared a DEFCON 1 condition and sprang into action to execute the plan designed to protect the nation’s leaders in the event of imminent destruction of the planet. Frenzied calls were made to the Area 51 Air Force Base at Groom Lake, Nevada to secure a captured alien saucer to evacuate President Obama, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. The saucer was dispatched without delay and the trio was whisked away to an undisclosed location somewhere in the cosmos.
Democratic congressional staffers told Speaker John Boehner and Congressman Paul Ryan that a Commander would be waiting for them on the mall in front of the Capitol and proceeded to herd them into what the two legislators were led to believe was a nuclear powered evacuation pod.
Speaker John Boehner and Congressman Paul Ryan were elated when they thought they would escape in a nuclear powered evacuation pod, but when the frenzy subsided they soon realized that they were sitting in a 1951 Studebaker Commander
Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle
After the value of their investment in T-Bills dropped dramatically, the extraterrestrials sent a repo fleet to Washington to collect all the valuable items they can find
Secretary Geithner’s ingenious rescue plan is thwarted by the unexpected demands of unusual and unexpected bondholders.
The warning signs of the stress cracks in the US financial system had been appearing for some time now, but the cunning team of Geithner and Bernanke had it all figured out well in advance. The Chinese will continue to buy our Treasury debt no matter what, because they need to continue providing fuel to the American consumers to buy products from China and help deal with the growing overcapacity in that country’s manufacturing sector. Also, a selloff of their US Treasury holdings could trigger a drop in the dollar, which would deprecate the value of their investment.
For some months now, the financial press has been abuzz with increasingly alarming stories about the unthinkable prospect of a default on US Treasury obligations. Opposing congressional factions are far from agreeing on the prerequisites for containing the burgeoning national debt and President Obama has made it clear that any compromise the legislators arrive at must also conform to his vision for the country. Otherwise, he will not hesitate to exercise his veto power.
The storm clouds began to gather back in March when Pacific Investment Management Co sold off all the government debt from their $237 billion PIMCO Total Return Fund, the largest mutual fund in the world. Then, in April the respected ratings agency Standard & Poor’s announced that it was revising the United States’ AAA sovereign credit rating from ‘stable’ to ‘negative.’ That move was precipitated by the agency’s concern that a budget ceiling agreement between the parties might not be reached in time to be implemented and thus lowering the US’s creditworthiness with respect to other peer sovereigns who enjoy the same coveted rating.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner promptly shrugged off S&P’s ominous announcement and told Bloomberg Television that the low cost at which the US can borrow is proof that both local and foreign investors believe that the US economy is strong and that its debt will hold its value. However, S&P placed US sovereign ratings on formal credit watch, stating that there is a 50-50 possibility that the agency could downgrade the country’s debt. Yesterday, S&P reiterated that the country’s rating could be cut to AA as early as August, move that would likely trigger an increase in short and long-term interest rates.
At present, just days short of the predicted meltdown deadline of August 2nd, the polemics in Washington continue to rage unabated, with legislators seeming oblivious to the implications of S&P’s stern warnings which were soon echoed by Moody’s Investor Service, who also put the US on a downgrade watch. The Chinese credit ratings agency Dagong followed on Moody’s heels with a similar warning of their own, citing the sluggish growth and persistent deficits in the US.
Andy Xie, the former chief economist for Asia for Morgan Stanley, recently stated that China’s financial policy makers are “very, very bearish” on the US dollar and are seeking to diversify the country’s holdings away from America’s faltering currency. China’s purchase of euro-denominated bonds may provide them with some diversification of risk, although the Chinese recognize that the euro might be a poor substitute for the dollar due to the precarious financial state of the PIIGS countries, all of which may have to be bailed out in the future as the European Central Bank attempts to contain that continent’s sovereign debt crisis. Citing John Maynard Keynes’ supranational currency proposed back in 1940, the ‘Bancor,’ Zhou Xiaochuan, the Governor of the People’s Bank of China, has advocated replacing the US Dollar with IMF Special Drawing Rights (SDRs) as the new centrally managed global reserve currency.
Unbeknownst to Geithner and Bernanke, officials at the People’s Bank of China secretly devised a novel strategy to decrease their exposure to the dollar component of their portfolio currently estimated to contain in excess of $1 trillion in US Treasuries.
Those who follow UFO events are likely aware of the rumored existence of a secret alien base located in the vicinity of the Kongka La Pass in the disputed area of Aksai Chin on the India-China border. This bleak, frigid, inhospitable Himalayan pass sits at 17,000 feet elevation and has a population density of only 3 people per square mile. It is here where strange glowing cylindrical objects and silent triangular craft are said to emerge from the ground and depart vertically at unearthly speeds.
The Chinese have been aware of this base for a long time and some years ago established a friendship with the extraterrestrial beings who have built a vast underground facility in the area. At some point during a casual discussion concerning the mineral resources on Earth, the aliens mentioned that gold exists in abundance on their home planet and is mined principally for use in electronic circuitry, as it has no other real value to them. The Chinese delegation got the aliens’ immediate attention when they told them about their vast holdings of interest-bearing paper instruments issued by the richest and most powerful nation on the planet. The aliens were unfamiliar with the concept of lending something of value and actually getting back more than you lent out, and rapidly warmed up to the Chinese proposal to trade gold for US Treasury obligations.
A quick back-of-the-envelope calculation was performed, and it was agreed that the People’s Bank of China would trade 20,000 tons of gold in exchange for $500 billion of US Treasury notes. The deal, which represented about a 50% discount on the current market value of gold was quickly consummated and a cargo saucer was dispatched to fetch the gold.
Well, the end result was predictable. In spite of all the effort put forth by the Congress and President Obama, the dollar declined in value, interest rates soared and bond values collapsed. The extraterrestrial investors were outraged as they had been led to believe that their investment would be backed by the ‘full faith and credit’ of the most powerful nation on the planet
However, when the extraterrestrials went to cash in their T-Bills, they found them to be worth a lot less than they had been told and so they sent a repo fleet to collect whatever Earth items of value they could find. They felt it was appropriate to start with the US Treasury Department, so upon arrival they quickly put their tractor beams and giant vacuums to work to collect everything they could interpret as collateral.
Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle
Cthulhu smokes a cigarette as he attempts to overcome writer’s block
After waking from an eternity of sleep in his sunken city of R’lyeh, Cthulhu finds himself restless and bored. The propitious hour to destroy civilization has yet to arrive because the necessary galactic alignment won’t occur until December 12, 2012. In order to pass the time, Cthulhu decides to write his memoirs. He has been alive for untold eons, and his story began to evolve long ago on a dark and stormy night at the foot of the Mountains of Madness.
Cthulhu reminisces about his long existence as he winds his way through the complex cosmology that governs the arcane hierarchy of greater and lesser gods that have played influential roles in his life over the years. More than anything, Cthulhu cherishes his memory of the defining moment in his life that occurred when he was named the high priest to the Great Old Ones, powerful beings from other star systems that have long been worshipped by primitive humans on Earth.
Cthulhu has only vague recollections of his childhood on a distant planet in the twenty-third nebula, but recalls with fondness the arrival of his star-spawn who built R’lyeh in the immeasurable depths beneath an Antarctic ice shelf. At present, Cthulhu is completing a chapter containing a dramatic portrayal of the unsuccessful Shoggoth Rebellion which was temporarily put down by the Elder Things, who were subsequently weakened by the last ice age and were ultimately exterminated by these former slaves.
Cultists who are aware of Cthulhu’s literary undertaking are excited about the potential resolution to the longstanding question as to whether the Great Old Ones were cast out and imprisoned under the sea for their use of black magic, or as others argue, they are merely hibernating in consonance with an immutable cosmic cycle, and will be revived at the auspicious moment when the planets are again in correct alignment.
Up to now, Cthulhu has thus refrained from commenting on what the future holds for humanity when that fateful moment arrives and humankind’s brief reign on the planet comes to an abrupt and violent end at the hands of the original inhabitants who are returning to claim it as their own, as some suggest has been prophesized in the Necronomicon.
Predictably, he has titled his memoirs “Cthulhu Fhtagn,” an expression in his native ancient tongue that is generally accepted to translate as “”Cthulhu Waits Dreaming.”
Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle
Governor Blagojevich reacts to his unexpected sentence
The retrial of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has now entered its third month. People who follow the news will recall the high-profile scandal involving the former governor who was accused of corruption and abuses of power during the latter part of his tenure. The most prominent allegation was that Blagojevich had schemed to use his position to fill the seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama in exchange for personal gain. There were other allegations involving improprieties relating to state funding for Children’s Memorial Hospital and the sale of Wrigley Field. It is a twisted tale indeed and former Chicago Mayor Richard Daley once called Blagojevich “cuckoo” to which the governor replied “I don’t think I’m cuckoo.”
Cuckoo or not, the governor’s fortunes began a precipitous decline following his arrest in December 2008 on federal charges of corruption. Talk of impeachment immediately followed and led Blagojevich to announce that if somehow his actions during his tenure constituted impeachable offenses then “I’m on the wrong planet and I’m living in the wrong place.”
Shortly thereafter, in January 2009, he was impeached by the Illinois House of Representatives and subsequently by the Illinois State Senate. In April 2009 he was indicted by a federal grand jury and in August 2010 he was convicted of lying to the FBI, which was only one of the 24 charges he faced, the jury having been hung on the other 23 counts. The prosecution immediately announced that they would seek a retrial on these counts.
The governor repeatedly sought to have the charges dismissed and the trial halted. Defense counsel argued that the case had received such extensive publicity that all of the potential jurors on planet Earth had already been tainted by the many news stories that portrayed Blagojevich unfairly and published inaccurate characterizations of his actions. Taking into account the governor’s statement about being on the wrong planet and anticipating an unfavorable verdict from a hopelessly biased jury, the defense attorneys requested a change of venue to another planet outside of our solar system. U.S. District Judge James Zagel obliged and agreed to move the trial to Gliese 581d, an earthlike exoplanet located about 20 light years from Earth.
In response to the court’s request, friendly aliens from the underground extraterrestrial base in Dulce, New Mexico promptly dispatched a saucer to transport the governor and his defense team to Gliese 581d, a planet they know as Zugzigvy.
The jurors were dismissed and Blagojevich was promptly ushered into a disc under the cover of darkness. The craft departed and entered into a wormhole just behind the moon and arrived at Zugzigvy so quickly that the governor did not even have time to arrange his hair.
As soon as he landed, the Governor was arraigned before a Zugzivian Imperial Anti-Corruption Magistrate. Unfortunately for the governor, the Zugzivian people have no tolerance for corruption and misconduct on the part of their elected officials. Their society is much more advanced than our own and has long evolved past the primitive state whereby elected officials abuse their positions with impunity and betray the trust of their constituents. Corruption is viewed as a very serious crime and the governor’s bench trial lasted less than an hour before he was pronounced guilty on all 23 counts.
Zugzivians do not routinely imprison criminals as this is viewed as a waste of public resources. Instead, they mandate various forms of community service that are designed to rehabilitate the offender while at the same time contributing to the advancement of science and medicine.
Science fiction fans will be familiar with the accounts of alien abductees who assert that they were the objects of invasive and humiliating medical examinations on the part of their extraterrestrial captors. The governor will be no exception, and Nurse Gszkwy stands ready with her multipurpose probing instrument in anticipation of his arrival.
FullFrogMoon
FullFrogMoon: The Blog of the Frog 