Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Posts tagged ‘alien abduction’

All your penguins are belong to us

Frogs dressed in winter clothes are taking penguins to their saucer

We have come in peace to collect your penguins. We are taking them to a better place.

Not too terribly long ago, I was perusing through my blog’s logs and stumbled across a search string that I found rather intriguing. It read “Alien abductions frogs from Antarctica.” At first, it struck me as an odd query, but as I looked through scientific articles on the web, I realized that there was genuine concern about the diminishing population of emperor penguins in Antarctica. The scientists attribute this phenomenon to climate change, but could the depletion in the number of penguins be attributable to alien abductions? Could the alien frogs have observed the melting of the glaciers and the breakup of the ice shelves and concluded that the best way to save this cherished species would be to transport them away to a safer place where they would enjoy better protection? I can only speculate that on the alien frogs’ planet, penguins are a highly appreciated species, and periodic expeditions are sent out around the galaxy to collect them and bring them back as pets and mascots for the frogs.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

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Governor Blagojevich’s Otherworldly Trial

Governor Blagojevich is on trial on an alien planet

Governor Blagojevich reacts to his unexpected sentence

The retrial of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has now entered its third month. People who follow the news will recall the high-profile scandal involving the former governor who was accused of corruption and abuses of power during the latter part of his tenure. The most prominent allegation was that Blagojevich had schemed to use his position to fill the seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama in exchange for personal gain. There were other allegations involving improprieties relating to state funding for Children’s Memorial Hospital and the sale of Wrigley Field. It is a twisted tale indeed and former Chicago Mayor Richard Daley once called Blagojevich “cuckoo” to which the governor replied “I don’t think I’m cuckoo.”

Cuckoo or not, the governor’s fortunes began a precipitous decline following his arrest in December 2008 on federal charges of corruption. Talk of impeachment immediately followed and led Blagojevich to announce that if somehow his actions during his tenure constituted impeachable offenses then “I’m on the wrong planet and I’m living in the wrong place.”

Shortly thereafter, in January 2009, he was impeached by the Illinois House of Representatives and subsequently by the Illinois State Senate. In April 2009 he was indicted by a federal grand jury and in August 2010 he was convicted of lying to the FBI, which was only one of the 24 charges he faced, the jury having been hung on the other 23 counts. The prosecution immediately announced that they would seek a retrial on these counts.

The governor repeatedly sought to have the charges dismissed and the trial halted. Defense counsel argued that the case had received such extensive publicity that all of the potential jurors on planet Earth had already been tainted by the many news stories that portrayed Blagojevich unfairly and published inaccurate characterizations of his actions. Taking into account the governor’s statement about being on the wrong planet and anticipating an unfavorable verdict from a hopelessly biased jury, the defense attorneys requested a change of venue to another planet outside of our solar system. U.S. District Judge James Zagel obliged and agreed to move the trial to Gliese 581d, an earthlike exoplanet located about 20 light years from Earth.

In response to the court’s request, friendly aliens from the underground extraterrestrial base in Dulce, New Mexico promptly dispatched a saucer to transport the governor and his defense team to Gliese 581d, a planet they know as Zugzigvy.

The jurors were dismissed and Blagojevich was promptly ushered into a disc under the cover of darkness. The craft departed and entered into a wormhole just behind the moon and arrived at Zugzigvy so quickly that the governor did not even have time to arrange his hair.

As soon as he landed, the Governor was arraigned before a Zugzivian Imperial Anti-Corruption Magistrate. Unfortunately for the governor, the Zugzivian people have no tolerance for corruption and misconduct on the part of their elected officials. Their society is much more advanced than our own and has long evolved past the primitive state whereby elected officials abuse their positions with impunity and betray the trust of their constituents. Corruption is viewed as a very serious crime and the governor’s bench trial lasted less than an hour before he was pronounced guilty on all 23 counts.

Zugzivians do not routinely imprison criminals as this is viewed as a waste of public resources. Instead, they mandate various forms of community service that are designed to rehabilitate the offender while at the same time contributing to the advancement of science and medicine.

Science fiction fans will be familiar with the accounts of alien abductees who assert that they were the objects of invasive and humiliating medical examinations on the part of their extraterrestrial captors. The governor will be no exception, and Nurse Gszkwy stands ready with her multipurpose probing instrument in anticipation of his arrival.

The Latest Millennium Millinery from Milan

Fancy tin foil hats displayed in a shop with aliens in the bcakground

What happens in your head stays in your head

Step into style with ladies designer springtime tin foil hats

Are you tired of the same old, worn out, cone-shaped styles in tin foil hats? Why not add a little flair and panache this spring with tasteful and trendy aluminum millinery?

These stunningly attractive foil hats are custom made with the discriminating conspiracy theorist and fashion-conscious alien abductee in mind. You’ll look fabulous while feeling secure in the knowledge that your thoughts are safe from prying minds and extraterrestrial probes. Paranoid can now mean “pretty” instead of “pretty paranoid.”

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