On Friday, June 15, 2018 embattled former FBI Director, James Comey, tweeted a picture of himself standing in the shadow of a giant concrete gnome. The image quickly made its way into the national media with widespread speculation as to its meaning. The following is Don and Kim’s interpretation of the event.
After eating a bad tuna fish sandwich at a church picnic, former FBI Director Jim Comey laid down under a shady tree in the park to rest and nurse his upset stomach. He soon lapsed into a deep sleep and began to experience a lucid dream.
Comey dreamt he was taking a long casual hike in the forest to engage in a period of solitary relaxation and introspection. He wanted to process the monumental events that had recently engulfed him. Lost in thought for the longest time, he suddenly realized that he was also lost in the woods. In an attempt to retrace his steps, he followed a shadowy path through a dark stand of trees. He eventually happened upon a small clearing where he beheld a strange figure in the distance. The figure beckoned him to approach and when Comey broke out of the gloom into the light of the clearing, he found himself standing next to a large gnome of considerable stature who towered over Comey’s six-foot-nine frame. The gnome identified himself as “Muirgheas, Lord of the Forest Gnomes” and asked Comey why he was intruding into the domain of the forest spirits.
Comey replied, “I am so sorry, your lordship. I really had no intention of barging into your domain. I was just out for a contemplative stroll in the woods to seek peace and solitude while I reflected on some personal problems. Then I became lost.”
“Prithee bid me what is troubling thee,” said Muirgheas as he tapped fresh tobacco into his hand-carved pipe.
“Well,” said Comey, “You see, I have been faced with some difficult decisions at work, and in several instances, I couldn’t win no matter what I did. I was fired and my friends have abandoned me and I could be indicted for crimes I didn’t commit. My former trusted deputy McCabe has gone rogue and two persistent knaves named Gowdy and Jordan are seeking to put me in jail.”
“I see,” said Muirgheas, “I wouldst appeareth thou art in a bit of a pickle.”
“Lord Muirgheas, I am a good person and undeserving of what is happening to me. I have heard that gnomes possess supernatural powers. Might it be possible for you to use your magic to make my problems go away?
“I don’t has’t the auth’rity on mine own to useth charms for f’r the benefit of humans,” said Muirgheas, “but I couldst bringeth up thine requesteth at next month’s meeting of the Council of Gnomes.”
Comey replied “That is very kind of you to offer, but that won’t work because I may be required to testify before Congress and if I miss that hearing I will most certainly be cited for contempt.”
Muirgheas swiftly interjected: “Comey, we might beest able to maketh thine problems wend hence and removeth all traces from the official rec’rd. We has’t someone h’re who is’t can telepathically induceth selecteth s’rv’r hard disk sect’rs to becometh c’rrupt and p’rmanently loseth their data. Howev’r, at which hour thou tooketh yond wrong f’rk in the road backeth th’re, thou unwittingly did cross through a momentary dimensional p’rtal which project’d thou into a diff’rent plane in timeth and space. Thou art nay longeth’r wh’re thou did start out. Thou art anon in Éire, the home of thine Celtic ancest’rs, and backeth in a much gentl’r, simpl’r timeth. Th’re is nay returning, so thou shall beest joyous to learneth yond thou wilt nev’r again has’t to dealeth with those two scoundrel Scotsmen, McCabe and Gowdy ‘r yond pesky rascal J’rdan.”
“Howev’r, as a result of thine unwitting intrusion into our realm, thou art presently did classify h’re as an undocument’d immigrant. This places thou in gnome-man’s landeth and subject to being lock’d in a cage, so we shall needeth to initiateth thine naturalization processeth as anon as possible.”
“Well, I wasn’t so keen on going back anyway. So, what’s next?” asked Comey.
“We can starteth with getting thou fitt’d f’r a col’rful outfit and cap, some handsome boots and a broad black belt with a big shiny buckle. Thou wilt beest joyous h’re. The maj’rity of gnomes art less than four feet tall, so thou wilt walketh ‘mongst us as a giant, Consid’ring thine impressive credentials, with timeth, thou couldst beest consid’r’d f’r the position of Gnome Att’rney Gen’ral. ”
Comey was then suddenly shaken into a waking state by paramedics who had been summoned by park police after a report of a mass food poisoning incident. He was lifted onto a gurney and transported to a hospital where he was successfully treated and released the same evening. As he walked out the door, he was greeted by a man in a dark suit with a sinister grin who handed him a congressional subpoena and announced: “You’re served!” Then, as Comey turned to leave, a nurse chased after him and said “Sir, you forgot your hat” as she gave him a pointy, green hand-felted cap with a label on the inside “Made in Eire.”
Here is a link to Jim Comey’s Instagram page and the image that inspired this tale: