Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Archive for February, 2012

Santorum Agonistes

Senator Santorum is collapsing the columns on the Philistinocrats

In happier times using what trivial weapon came to hand, the jaw of an ass, his sword of bone, a thousand foreskins fell in the strongholds of Iowa, Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri.

Or do my eyes misrepresent? Can this be he?
That heroic, that renowned,
Irresistible Santorum whom, unfunded,
No strength of man, or fiercest pundit, could withstand;
Who tore the Mitt as the Mitt tears the Newt;
Ran on embattled PACs flush with cash,
And, cashless himself,
Made donations ineffective, useless the gesture
Of brazen jabs and negative ads, all deflected
By Hannityean tempered prose and vest of wool,

Yet stay; let me not rashly call in doubt
Poll predictions. What if all foretold
Had been fulfilled but through mine own default?
Whom have I to complain of but myself,
Who this high gift of delegates committed to me,
In what part lodged, how easily bereft me,
Under the seal of bloggers could not keep,

He speaks: let us draw nigh. Matchless in might,
The glory late of Senate seat now the grief!
We come, thy friends and neighbours not unknown.
David Limbaugh, Michelle Malkin and Phyllis Schlafly,
To visit or bewail thee; or, if better,
Counsel or consolation we may bring,
Salve to thy sores: apt words have power to spin
The tumours of a troubled mind,
And are as balm to festered egos,

Your coming, friends, revives me; for I learn
Now of my own experience, not by talk radio,
How counterfeit a coin they are who “supporters”
Bear in their contributions (of the most
I would be understood). In prosperous primaries
They swarm, but in adverse withdraw their purse,
Not to be found, though sought. Ye see, O friends,
How many evils have enclosed me round;
Yet that which was the worst now least afflicts me,

Tax not divine disposal. Wisest politicians
Have erred, and by bad moderators been deceived;
And shall again, pretend they ne’er so wise.
Deject not, then, so overmuch thyself,
Who hast of sorrow thy full load besides.
Yet, truth to say, you still have a great career at Fox.

Don’t understand this? We don’t understand Milton either…

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Strange Love

Margaret sits on a bench flanked by two suitors, Swamp Creature and Bigfoot.

Two improbable suitors are competing for young Margaret’s affections.

Love can be strange when you’re torn between two lovers and feeling somewhat like a fool. Poor Margaret has to make up her mind this Valentine’s Day. Who, or in this case, what does she prefer? Will it be surf or turf? Whose heart will she break?

Illustration by Kim Harris

Newt Gingrich, Moon Colonist

The lunar image of Newt Gingrich shines over the Colorado Rocky Mountains

The beaming image of candidate Newt Gingrich shines over the snow-covered Rocky Mountains on the night of the 2012 Colorado Republican Caucus

Ever since the day Callista hummed the tune of “Fly Me to the Moon” into Newt’s ear during an intimate date in the early days of their seven-year affair when she was a House staff member, former Speaker Newt Gingrich has been enthralled by the idea of setting up a colony on the Moon. Newt was aware, of course, that one of Jupiter’s moons is named Callisto, and he felt that this was an omen that he should lead America’s efforts to return to the moon after an absence of nearly 40 years.

Newt’s critics have cited the astronomical cost and questionable economic value of such a bold endeavor. Newt, however, has placed a positive spin on the idea. The venture will be financed by mining the vast deposits of green cheese, which will not only provide sustenance for the colonists, but will also be the source of valuable export earnings that will make the entire venture deficit neutral while allowing moon residents to live a blissful tax-free existence.

Moon cheese is expected to command a considerable premium over the finest Italian Gorgonzola that currently sells for over $15 a pound. Even the conservative Congressional Budget Office estimates that the moon colony could become profitable within five years. Newt believes that 13,000 colonists would suffice in order to proclaim statehood for the moon. Given the current levels of unemployment and the widespread discontent in the country, it should be easy to recruit enough adventuresome individuals, especially when they naively believe that the lunar maria are indeed oceans and that Jimmy Buffett actually did build a Beach House on the Moon.

In realization of the boost that this potential undertaking is giving to Newt’s campaign, the various Super PACs supporting the speaker have arranged for his likeness to be projected on the surface of the full moon that will appear on February 7th, the night of the Colorado and Minnesota caucuses and the Missouri primary to bathe voters in Newtshine and remind them of the candidate with the bold ideas, and that it may also be an opportune time to invest aggressively in the stocks of companies in the cracker, pizza and fine red wine industries.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

All your penguins are belong to us

Frogs dressed in winter clothes are taking penguins to their saucer

We have come in peace to collect your penguins. We are taking them to a better place.

Not too terribly long ago, I was perusing through my blog’s logs and stumbled across a search string that I found rather intriguing. It read “Alien abductions frogs from Antarctica.” At first, it struck me as an odd query, but as I looked through scientific articles on the web, I realized that there was genuine concern about the diminishing population of emperor penguins in Antarctica. The scientists attribute this phenomenon to climate change, but could the depletion in the number of penguins be attributable to alien abductions? Could the alien frogs have observed the melting of the glaciers and the breakup of the ice shelves and concluded that the best way to save this cherished species would be to transport them away to a safer place where they would enjoy better protection? I can only speculate that on the alien frogs’ planet, penguins are a highly appreciated species, and periodic expeditions are sent out around the galaxy to collect them and bring them back as pets and mascots for the frogs.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Punxsutawney Phil Becomes a Consultant

Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog is holding a crystal ball

Come to me, for I can see the future

After his superiors callously riffed him during a recent reorganization at the National Weather Service, Phil succeeded in establishing himself as a respected independent meteorological consultant. (“getting riffed’ is governmentspeak for unlucky public servants who are the hapless objects of a Reduction In Force, or “RIF”)

Phil realized that in spite of his many years of dedicated government service and his innumerable awards and commendations, it was going to be difficult to simply go and hang out a shingle in front of his burrows at Gobbler’s Knob and attract paying customers off the street. Therefore, Phil decided to adopt a persona inspired by the gypsy fortune tellers of old. He bought a crystal ball at a second hand magic shop and proclaimed himself to be “Phil, Seer of Seers.”

Phil’s main line of business is predicting both short and long-term weather patterns, but when the weather is nice and business is slow, Phil is known to dabble in providing advice to the lovelorn and assessing a client’s potential for acquiring wealth or fame.

It is rumored that Phil has recently been retained by a trailing candidate in the current Republican presidential primary race to provide guidance as to how long he should tough it out before throwing in the towel.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

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