Ever since the day Callista hummed the tune of “Fly Me to the Moon” into Newt’s ear during an intimate date in the early days of their seven-year affair when she was a House staff member, former Speaker Newt Gingrich has been enthralled by the idea of setting up a colony on the Moon. Newt was aware, of course, that one of Jupiter’s moons is named Callisto, and he felt that this was an omen that he should lead America’s efforts to return to the moon after an absence of nearly 40 years.
Newt’s critics have cited the astronomical cost and questionable economic value of such a bold endeavor. Newt, however, has placed a positive spin on the idea. The venture will be financed by mining the vast deposits of green cheese, which will not only provide sustenance for the colonists, but will also be the source of valuable export earnings that will make the entire venture deficit neutral while allowing moon residents to live a blissful tax-free existence.
Moon cheese is expected to command a considerable premium over the finest Italian Gorgonzola that currently sells for over $15 a pound. Even the conservative Congressional Budget Office estimates that the moon colony could become profitable within five years. Newt believes that 13,000 colonists would suffice in order to proclaim statehood for the moon. Given the current levels of unemployment and the widespread discontent in the country, it should be easy to recruit enough adventuresome individuals, especially when they naively believe that the lunar maria are indeed oceans and that Jimmy Buffett actually did build a Beach House on the Moon.
In realization of the boost that this potential undertaking is giving to Newt’s campaign, the various Super PACs supporting the speaker have arranged for his likeness to be projected on the surface of the full moon that will appear on February 7th, the night of the Colorado and Minnesota caucuses and the Missouri primary to bathe voters in Newtshine and remind them of the candidate with the bold ideas, and that it may also be an opportune time to invest aggressively in the stocks of companies in the cracker, pizza and fine red wine industries.
Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle