Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Posts tagged ‘Krampus’

Santa’s New Helper, The Trumpus

The Trumpus carts away a load of candidates in a basket and a sled

The Trumpus spirits away a load of naughty office-seekers to be whipped in his underground lair deep inside the elegant and exclusive Trumpus Tunnel and Casino deep beneath Atlantic City.

In Germany, Austria and Italy, Santa and Krampus have been in a partnership since time immemorial. Their special compact specifies that Santa will reward the good children and Krampus, a part-demon, part-goat creature, has the responsibility of punishing the bad ones. This way, Santa does not tarnish his public image as a kind, jovial old fellow loved by all.

In the United States, the worst a naughty child can expect from Santa is a lump of coal in a Christmas stocking. However, in Europe, the fate of misbehaving children is far grimmer. Santa doesn’t bother with them. After leaving presents for the good kids, he instructs Krampus to collect the naughty ones and stuff them in his basket to be taken away to be whipped with switches made of birch twigs, or worse, to be devoured altogether.

Due to the alarming increase in naughtiness and bad behavior on the part of adults around the world, Santa decided to add a new position to his holiday workforce. His longstanding sidekick Krampus will now be getting some much-needed assistance from Trumpus, a new hire from America.

Over the last few months, Santa had deployed a number of his best Elves on a Shelf to infiltrate the homes of prominent candidates and observe their behavior. When the elves reported back with their findings, Santa was horrified by what he heard, especially regarding the appalling exchange of insults and accusations between the candidates. Santa instructed Trumpus to mete out deserving punishment to them. The wily Trumpus lured them all in under the pretense of a sleigh ride to a political rally where wealthy donors would be present. But before they knew it, they were collected into a basket and swiftly consigned to a dungeon in Trumpus’ subterranean lair in the elegant and exclusive Trumpus Tunnel and Casino beneath Atlantic City where they soon realized that all the slot machines are rigged, the hors d’oeuvres are stale and none of the drinks are free.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Current events, Fantasy, Holidays, Politics

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Majority Leader Elves Help Out Santa

Harry Reid and John Boehner are dressed as Christmas Elves

Congressional majority leaders Senator Harry Reid and Representative John Boehner have donned elf costumes and are helping out Santa over the holidays

Harry Reid and John Boehner are taking advantage of the congressional holiday recess to put in some public service time to help Santa manage his vast workshop and get all of the toys ready for shipment by Christmas Eve.

Krampus

Krampus

Sen. Reid’s is still at his high school boxing weight and has put on his old gloves so as to be ready to deal with any Grinches that might attempt to interfere with Santa’s Yuletide activities. At Santa’s direction, he has readied buckets full of coal lumps to be loaded onto the sleigh for use at the homes of the ever-increasing population of unrepentant naughty children. The proliferation of naughty children around the globe has been a boon to the coal industry which has been experiencing a prolonged slump as a consequence of stricter environmental regulations. In instances where a lump of coal in a stocking is insufficient to convey the message regarding the undesirability of naughtiness, Santa has recalled his old friend Krampus from vacation to mete out strict punishment to the naughtiest of children.

A well-tanned Rep. Boehner is sipping a scotch and enjoying a quick smoke to steady his nerves as he prepares to dive into Santa’s complex just-in-time inventory supply chain management system. Earlier, he prepared a report for Santa regarding Sen. Reid’s proposed “nuclear option” to replace the reindeer with a highly modified marine reactor as the source of propulsion for the sleigh. This would reduce the number of refueling stops for reindeer fodder and significantly increase the range of Santa’s sleigh. However, Santa ultimately discarded this recommendation because reactor waste has a half-life of 160,000 years, as opposed to reindeer waste which has a half-life of less than ten days and is easily recyclable for use in Mrs. Claus’ flower garden.

The elves have assured Santa that they have complied with the all of the current FAA Airworthiness Directives affecting his model of sleigh and have performed proper weight and balance calculations to take into account his imposing load of presents, coal and reindeer food. Santa himself is busy planning this year’s route by reviewing the global weather forecasts and the latest Notices to Airmen published by the FAA.

Santa has resolved to check all of his lists twice this time in the wake of that embarrassing incident two years ago when the Wyoming Department of Game and Fish refused Santa’s reindeer permission to entertain the children at Murdoch’s Ranch and Home Supply, which led to the frustrated reindeer becoming intoxicated at Mingle’s Lounge next door and running up a big tab on Santa’s American Express Card,.

The children watch Santa's reindeer drinking at a bar

After the Government Man in Green canceled the reindeers’ appearance at Murdoch’s, the group retreats to Mingle’s Lounge for a snort

(Read the whole story at FullFrogMoon’s post from December 2011)

Santa also decided to move his Naughty and Nice list into a secure cloud computing environment after his IT elves discovered that the NSA had covertly accessed his data and was surreptitiously changing some high-profile individuals from naughty to nice and vice-versa.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

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Current events, Politics

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President Obama and Krampus Unwind on the Beach in Hawaii

Krampus and President Obama listen to music on the beach in Hawaii

The Krampus and President Obama are on the beach at Hanauma Bay discussing a contract to punish the members of Congress who have been so naughty in the previous year.

December 5 was Krampus Day in a number of European countries with Teutonic roots. As many of you know, the fierce horned Krampus figures prominently in the folklore of Germany and Austria, and also in the traditions of Hungary and the countries of former Yugoslavia. The role of the Krampus is complementary to that of the benevolent bearded old man who distributes presents to nice children far and wide on Christmas. The Krampus rounds up the naughty children that Santa has passed by and proceeds to whip them with a switch of birch branches. Those who have been exceptionally bad are stuffed into a sack and taken to a remote location in the woods to be devoured by the Krampus.

This year saw an unusually large contingent of naughty children who disobeyed their parents, failed to do their household chores, talked back to their elders, refused to eat their vegetables and got into fights at school. Disciplining the lot of them kept the Krampus very busy and by the time all of the punishment had been meted out, the Krampus was exhausted.

President Obama was likewise very tired from fighting with the Republicans over raising taxes for the rich, saving entitlement programs and avoiding the looming fiscal cliff. The president had just wrapped up a brief chat with the Chancellor of Germany, Andrea Merkel, regarding the debt crisis in Southern Europe when the Chancellor suggested that Mr. Obama invite Krampus to visit him in Hawaii so that they could both unwind on the beach together. Krampus immediately sparked to the idea of escaping the cold German winter and promptly booked a Lufthansa flight from Frankfurt to Honolulu.

Soon after arrival the pair proceeded to Hanauma Bay where they were served heady tropical beverages while being entertained by an exotic dance troupe recruited by the Secret Service. When the show was over, President Obama approached Krampus concerning a possible future contract with the US Department of Justice to castigate all those individuals appearing on the list of naughty legislators that the president has been compiling. Mr. Obama emphasized to Krampus that certain members of Congress had been very, very naughty.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Cryptids and monsters, Current events, Holidays, Myths and Legends, Politics, Travel

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Krampus Takes a Vacation

The horned Krampus monster is on the beach with hula dancers

Krampus relaxes on the beach for a well-deserved vacation

After a long cold holiday season of scaring naughty children into exhibiting better behavior, Krampus takes a well-deserved vacation at a warm tropical location. On the beach on Maui, Krampus sips a cold refreshing beverage while enjoying a presentation by a local hula troupe.

In the United States, Santa is taken for granted. It is a foregone conclusion that Santa will always deliver on the presents. Kids in America don’t know how good they have it because no matter how naughty they have been during the year, Santa will never fail to bring them something. In fact, the very worst they can expect is that Santa will fill their Christmas stockings with lumps of coal. This is not the end of the world, because with the soaring cost of energy reaching unprecedented heights, the children can easily pool their lumps of coal and sell them to the local power utility and use the cash to buy the gifts that Santa did not bring due to their naughtiness.

However, in Europe, children have a lot more to fear, particularly in Austria, Switzerland, Croatia and Germany. In those countries, jolly old St. Nick hands out gifts on his feast day of December 6th. However, he does not punish children himself no matter how bad they have been. Instead, he delegates that task to a terrifying horned creature called the Krampus, who accompanies Santa on his visits and metes out punishment according to Santa’s instructions.

The children that Santa has fingered as naughty are seized by the Krampus, who whips them with a switch of birch branches or with rusty chains. In extreme cases involving exceptionally naughty children, the Krampus is said to carry them in his backpack to the forest where he proceeds to devour them. Alternatively, the Krampus simply stuffs them into a sack which he then tosses into a stream.

People who have observed the widespread lack of discipline, manners and work ethic that characterizes today’s youth have suggested that a serious dose of Krampus might be in order here in America.

The origin of the Krampus can be traced back thousands of years. It is believed that the Krampus was an evolution of the Norse god Loki that was slowly assimilated into Christian tradition. Many European countries today organize Krampus festivals on December 5th, the day before St. Nick arrives. A number of designated individuals dress up as the Krampus and go from house to house scaring children with their growls and their switches and drinking schnapps with their parents. As the night progresses, it is not unusual to see the Krampus throwing up in the gutter.

If a Krampus should approach you in the darkness of night, you will certainly know him by his long horns and his most unusual characteristic of having one humanlike foot and another that resembles a cloven hoof of a goat.

Category:

Animals, Cryptids and monsters, Fantasy, Myths and Legends

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