Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Archive for the ‘Current events’ Category

GOP Kielbasa Express Rolls Into Tampa

Romney and Ryan arrive in Tampa in a giant sausage car

As the storm subsides, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and Seamus ride their homemade Kielbasa-Mobile into Tampa just in time to gavel open the 2012 Republican Convention

With the annoyance of Hurricane Isaac fading behind them, Republicans from far and wide are converging on Tampa, Florida to rally for their candidates and champion their proposed agenda for the country.

In order to draw attention to President Obama’s divisive policies, party strategists decided to revive the “E Pluribus Unum” motto to underscore the party’s commitment to diversity while at the same bringing all factions of the country together to strive towards a common goal of jobs and prosperity. “Out of many, one?” –Rep. Ryan immediately seized upon the expression clamoring “That’s just how sausage is made!” As an avid hunter and a member of Congress, Rep. Ryan is no stranger to the intricacies of making sausages. In his home state of Wisconsin, his prowess in making kielbasa is undisputed among fellow Cheeseheads.

Furthermore, since Rep. Ryan was once a salesman for Oscar Mayer in Minnesota, he has valuable experience with selling the sausage concept without disclosing too many details as to what went into its making, thus putting him in a strong position to articulate the Republican message on the convention floor.

In a moment of inspiration, Rep. Ryan suggested to his running mate that they rent the Weinermobile to ride into Tampa in a parade that will signal the official beginning of the Republican National Convention. Gov. Romney concurred that the imagery of a giant sausage coursing the streets of Tampa would give the campaign a boost and energize their supporters.

There was a problem, though. Among their many campaign themes was “Build America by buying American” and this gave rise to some concerns regarding potential criticism associated with riding in a vehicle built on an Isuzu chassis manufactured overseas in Japan, Gov. Romney decided against using the official Weinermobile, this in spite of his Rep. Ryan’s proficiency in its operation acquired during his college years.

So, in order to demonstrate their unshakable commitment to financial austerity and responsible spending, the duo agreed to build a custom vehicle using a vintage 1950 Plymouth Special Deluxe 4 Door Sedan that Gov. Romney found in an abandoned barn in western Massachusetts. The two did it all by themselves in their spare time, and without government help.

Seamus reluctantly agreed to accompany his owner on the jaunt in order to refute allegations of abuse and demonstrate for once and for all that he enjoys riding in a kennel on top of a vehicle. This cooperation was predicated on an understanding that he would be rewarded afterwards with one of Rep. Ryan’s tasty homemade kielbasa sausages.

The principle of lower taxes is going to be met with universal acclaim. Nevertheless, the two candidates face numerous daunting obstacles in selling their programs to the electorate, such as widespread public skepticism regarding the viability of devolving Medicaid to the states in the form of block grants that would be conveyed to insolvent spendthrift states like California, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada and New Jersey. What’s more, Rep Ryan’s bold plan for privatizing Medicare has many older Americans wondering if they are going to be on the receiving end of the sausage.

Let the good times roll!

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

The Tragedie of Macben and the Bubble Economie

Macben is posing next to his printing press which is churning out new US currency

Macben is saving the economie with his magick prynting presse

Act 4
In an abandoned Metro tunnel deep below the nation’s capital, three witches are conjuring up trouble for Macben. As they parade around a steaming cauldron, the faint rumbling of an Orange Line train can be heard in the distance.

First Witch
Thrice the brittle hedge funds stumbled

Second Witch
Thrice and once the walled street tumbled

Third Witch
Speculators cry “‘Tis time, ’tis time.”

First Witch
Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison’d debt throw:
Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae
A-I-G and B-of-A
Goldman Sachs and rich folks tax
Dash of TARP and spoiled carp
Medicare and Medicaid
Student loans and underwater homes
Securitize and monetize

All
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Economy burn and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch
Pundits mumble, never humble
Irrational exuberance and unwise bets
Greek debt and subprime mortgages
Offshored jobs and moribund industries
Bloated bonuses and insider trading
Bernie Madoff and R. Allen Stanford
Into the cauldron hot and deep

All
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Economy burn and cauldron bubble.

Three witches are stirring a cauldron full of poisonous ingredients

The triple witching hour has arrived and the Weird Sisters are preparing a potion to cast powerful spells upon the economie

Third Witch
Real estate crumble, derivatives fumble
Bankers grumble and Congress bumble
Unemployment riseth and inflation loometh
Administration waverth and GSA partieth
Treasury selleth and China buyeth
Liquidity traps and shadow stats,
Mark-to-market, bondholder haircut
Moody’s, Fitch and S&P
Sovereign downgrades and party of tea
QE1, QE2 and QE3 soon to be
Manipulate and stimulate

All
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Economy burn and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch
Cool it with a failed IPO,
Then the charm is firm and good.

Enter Geitnercate with three witches

Geitnercate
Oh well done! I commend your pains,
And every one shall share i’ th’ capital gains.
And now about the cauldron sing,
Like bulls and bears in a ring,
Enchanting all that you invest in.

Second Witch
By the picking of my stocks
Something wicked this way comes.
Open, locks,
Whoever knocks.

Macben
How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags?
Has the dreaded hour of triple witching at last arrived?
What is ’t you do?

All
A deed that goes by many names.

Macben
I conjure you by that which you profess—
Howe’er you come to know it,
Insider information or salmon coloured journal
Answer me.
Though you untie the currencies and let them fight
Against the banks, though the yeasty valuations
Confound hedge fund managers and day traders alike
Though swaps be lodged and derivatives blown down,
Though investment houses topple on their warders’ heads,
Though online brokerage firms do slope
Their revenues to their foundations, though the treasure
Of the world economy tumble all together,
Even till destruction sicken, answer me
To what I ask you.

First Witch
Speak

Second Witch
Demand

Third Witch
We’ll answer

First Witch
Say, if th’ hadst rather hear it from our mouths,
Or from our masters’.

Macben
Call ’em. Let me see ’em.

First Witch
Pour in the tears of analysts that hath eaten red ink
Add lobbyist’s grease that graced the Congressional palms
Into the flame

All
Come, high or low;
Thyself and office deftly show!

The ghostly disembodied head of John Maynard Keynes
.

A burst of light flashes down the darkened tunnel.
An apparition slowly rises from the steaming cauldron.
It is the ghost of renowned stimulator John Maynard Keynes


.

Macben
Tell me, thou long lamented sage

First Witch
He knows thy thoughts
Hear his speech, but say thou nought.

First Apparition
Macben! Macben! Macben!
Beware McRon, the thane of Paul.
Be seduced not by his gilded standard
Instead manipulate and stimulate
Dismiss me. Enough!

The specter descends back into the cauldron.

Macben
Wherever thou art, for thy good caution, thanks
Thou hast harp’d my fear aright. But one word more—
Will fair Fedres be occupied, audited or perchance abolished?

First Witch
He will not be commanded. Here’s another
More potent than the first

The ghostly disembodied head of Richard Nixon.

.

A thunderclap is heard. A second apparition slowly resolves from the cauldron’s steamy mist. It is the ghost of Richard Nixon, slayer of the gold standard and champion of fiat money.

.

.

Second Apparition
Macben! Macben! Macben!

Macben
Had I three ears and Siri too, I’d hear thee, o tormented spirit.

Second Apparition
Be greedy, bold, and resolute. Laugh to scorn
The allure of gold and its falsehearted charm
For as long as the presses roll
No harm shall visit Macben

Macben
Then preach on. What need I fear of McRon?
But yet I can’t be double sure, so I take my chance
That the fates will prescribe no nomination
And that I may continue to voice pale-hearted lies
And slumber roundly innocent of inflationary dread.

Nixon’s ghost dissolves back into the eerie fog

The ghostly disembodied head of Alan Greenspan

.

.

A lightning bolt flashes. A third apparition rises from the steaming cauldron. It is the doppelgänger of Alan Greenspan, the architect of the great housing bubble

.

Macben
What is this spirit
That rises like the issue of an elder,
Wearing upon his bald-brow creases of wisdom
While pronouncing equivocal fedspeak

Third Apparition
Be lion-mettled, proud, and take no care
Who chafes, who frets, or where investigators skulk.
Fedres shall never ruined be until
Great Bretton Woods to Foggy Bottom
Shall come against Macben.

Macben
That will never be.
Who can impress the forest, bid the tree
Unfix his earthbound root? Sweet bodements! Good!
Inflation dead, to emerge never till the woods
Of Bretton rise, and our high-placed Macben
Shall live the life of leisure, pay his breath
To time and mortal custom. Yet my heart
Throbs to know one thing. Tell me, if your art
Can tell so much: shall Bankwoe’s issue ever
Govern in this land?

The apparition condenses down into the cauldron

The ghosts of Keynes, Nixon and Greenspan appear to Macben

Macben recoils in horror when he is confronted by the ghosts of Keynes, Nixon and Greenspan and hears their dire predictions.

All
Seek to know no more.

Macben
I will be satisfied: deny me this,
And an eternal recession shall fall upon you! Let me know.
Why sinks that cauldron? and what noise is this?

To be continued…

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Who are the bubble blowers?

Three individuals are seen blowing financial bubbles

Who is responsible for blowing the bubbles that are threatening America’s economy?

It seems like every time I pick up a newspaper or read the Internet news, there is a story about a menacing bubble of one sort or another that is threatening the stability of our economy and indeed the entire world order. I decided to do a little research to see if I could characterize each of the more prominent bubbles to gain a better perspective of the dangers that they may or may not pose. In particular, I wanted to understand the processes that were producing the bubbles and explore the dynamics of these phenomena that are putting so many people in peril.

The Stock Market Bubble

The stock market has had its ups and downs over the years but it now appears that there is an evolving disconnect from reality that is preventing investors from acknowledging that things aren’t as good as they used to be. There is still a deep founded belief that somehow today’s situation is different and that stocks will succeed in navigating the stormy times ahead and continue to provide the generous returns of the past. The analysts and financial pundits have said it is so.

Individual and institutional investors have been ignoring some of the more conspicuous risks that could stifle future earnings and ultimately affect valuations. Advocates of investments in securities have been seduced by the alluring earnings records of US corporations in 2011, part of which can be attributed to the extraordinarily low interest rate environment in today’s economy. This could be seen as a repeat of the “irrational exuberance” phenomenon that Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan alluded to in a 1996 speech that caused markets to shudder from Tokyo to Frankfurt. It is hard to see how the trend can continue as deficits are increasingly funded by the prolific creation of money by the Federal Reserve, and which will at some point trigger a bear market in US Treasuries.

Prominent financial commentators suggested the prospect of a Facebook “IPO Halo” whereby a rapidly rising stock price for the social networking company would lift other technology stocks with a rising tide. Reality, however, played out differently. The company’s $100 billion valuation may not have been entirely justified by its recent financial performance. After a week of trading following the IPO, Facebook’s stock was hovering at around 85% of its IPO price of $38. At the same time the NASDAQ roller-coastered a bit but remained unremarkable with a 1.8% gain for the week.

Evidently, George Soros did not see any halo on the technology horizon as it was reported that his hedge fund, Soros Fund Management, recently liquidated its entire position in Google valued at some $168 million and also sold off half of its investment in Apple Computer.

One cannot help but wonder what will be in store for the financial markets. There would appear to be a mounting crisis of confidence on the part of investors, and particularly, the smaller players. For some time now they have been facing higher risks while experiencing meager returns. It’s as if the average person out there has come to believe that the game is rigged, and nowhere is this sentiment more in evidence than in the litigation that has been initiated against Facebook and the Wall Street firms of Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley and JP Morgan, the three of which reportedly shared a $100 million fee for their underwriting of the IPO. The litigants are alleging that negative information was concealed from the public prior to the IPO and that this led to losses for them. Adding to the sector’s crisis of confidence, JP Morgan announced less than two weeks ago that it had experienced a $2 billion loss as a consequence of derivative trades that went bad.

It was further reported that investors withdrew $85 billion from their mutual funds in 2011 and have pulled out $6 billion just in the first four months of this year. One cannot help but speculate that this investor retrenchment is driven at least in part by a sense that the little guy cannot win in a system that is permeated with corruption and special interests. Nowadays with Greece circling the drain and the European monetary system facing meltdown, this pessimism is understandable.

The Housing Bubble

There was a time in the not too recent past when housing valuations appreciated so consistently year after year that people began to assume that the trend would continue indefinitely. This gave rise to a subculture of “flippers” who bought houses with little or no money down and then resold them shortly thereafter earning them spectacular profits as due to the high leverage they enjoyed. The phenomenon was driven by a number of factors including low introductory interest rates and a failure on the part of lending institutions to exercise proper due diligence in the vetting of potential borrowers.

Another contributing cause was pressure exerted by Congress on banks to provide financing for affordable housing. The lending institutions were granted guarantees on the mortgages extended to individuals that lacked the financial wherewithal to make good on their commitments, especially in an environment of a declining economy with rising unemployment.

All good things must end sometime and that day occurred in December 2008 following several years of slow decline in the housing market. The subprime loan catastrophe that ensued left a trail of foreclosed and abandoned homes in its wake, bankrupting builders, ruining lives and compromising the solvency of some of the nation’s largest financial institutions. The impact was so great that the federal government was forced to step in with a series of rescue measures to assist foreclosed homeowners and banks that had become insolvent as a result of the large volume of delinquent loans.

The Student Loan Bubble

Earlier this year the rating agency, Standard & Poor’s, warned of the mounting danger posed by a growing student loan bubble. The situation was created by a convergence of factors which include tuition costs rising at twice the rate of inflation, a lack of proper underwriting that allowed young people to assume levels of debt inconsistent with their future earning power, and disregarding a weak job market that has left more than half of this year’s graduates under- or unemployed.

The New York Federal Reserve estimates that as of the third quarter of last year, 27% of all student loans have become delinquent. Incredibly, this level of unsustainable debt now exceeds $1 trillion and has eclipsed the nation’s aggregate credit card debt.

As more student loan defaults occur, there will be far-reaching consequences that will impact the entire market as asset-backed securities are inevitably downgraded by the rating agencies.

In 2005, Congress passed the Bankruptcy Abuse and Consumer Protection Act of 2005 that makes it impossible to discharge student loan debt in bankruptcy. However, this is of little comfort to the creditors who are finding it difficult if not impossible to collect from insolvent students who are living in their parents’ basements with scant prospects of employment.

Since universities depend heavily upon the income derived from repayment of government guaranteed student loans, it is not inconceivable that some ivory towers of knowledge will follow Greece in its death spiral into the abyss of debt.

The Unfunded Liabilities Bubble

There has been much fretting and arguing amongst the presidential candidates regarding the snowballing annual deficits that have spawned the nearly $16 trillion public debt now burdening the United States. However, there has been less attention focused on the much greater danger residing at federal, state and local governments attributable to unfunded and contingent liabilities. At the federal level, these additional obligations of about $46 trillion are largely composed of mandatory payments for entitlement programs such as Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. Originally conceived as pay-as-you-go programs, evolving demographics and changing economic conditions have resulted in a situation where tax revenues and other sources of government income are going to be woefully inadequate to meet projected cash flow requirements for the future.

Nowhere is this looming crisis more evident than in Berkeley, California where the city has accumulated nearly $330 million in unfunded liabilities of which nearly 2/3 represent defined benefit pension obligations for city workers. Articles in the press have reported that Berkeley’s recently retired city manager will be entitled to an annual pension benefit of some $280,000. Assuming an annual cost-of-living increase of 2% and the current 2% yield on five-year certificates of deposit, the city would have to set aside a fund of approximately $15 million just to provide the cash flow necessary to support this one individual. When one considers that the city of Berkeley has in excess of 100 pensioners receiving at least $100,000 per annum, the unsustainability of the system becomes glaringly evident.

Estimates regarding the total figure of the unfunded liabilities of the United States range from $62 trillion to $144 trillion, a staggering amount in either instance. Depending on which estimate is selected, the amount of unfunded liabilities could exceed $1 million per US citizen, and it is hard to envision how this debt will ever be satisfied.

Am I on target here? Does anyone have any other bubbles you’d like to discuss? Suggest solutions? Please leave a comment.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Chinese Plate and Tibetan Cat Face-Off

The dragon on a Chinese plate is getting ready to claw a Tibetan Cat

The dragon on the Chinese plate stealthily reaches for the Tibetan Cat with his razor-sharp sharp claws

The Chinese Plate and the Tibetan Cat have yet to settle their differences.

Illustration by Kim Harris

GSA Hot Tub Hijinks in Las Vegas

GSA Hot Tub Hijinks in Las Vegas

Jeffrey Neely, Angry Clown and Gumby enjoy refreshing beverages while relaxing in the hot tub after a hard day of reviewing resorts and sampling gastronomical delicacies.

After a hard day of scouting out resorts and sampling the offerings of Las Vegas’ finest caterers, General Services Administration Western Region Director Jeffrey Neely decided that a bubble bath in his suite at the M Resort in Las Vegas would be in order.

Upon viewing the images in the news media, many have asked the question: Who was the second glass of wine for? Well, not to be selfish, Director Neely decided to share the experience with two colleagues that he had recently identified as prospective performers for the festivities planned in connection with the GSA’s 2010 Western Regions Conference. Mr. Pagliaccio was selected to perform as his character, the cigarette-puffing Angry Clown who continuously creates disharmony in an office environment. Gumby was brought in to reinforce the GSA’s commitment to their “Going Green” campaign. Gumby was also expected to be a guest artist during the Green Man Group’s performance at the conference.

Earlier in the day, the three had sampled the Petite Beef Wellington and Mini Monte Cristo sandwiches that were proposed to be served to the civil servants attending the networking reception. Mr. Neely and Mr. Pagliaccio both ordered a glass of vintage Napa Valley Cabernet from room service. Gumby, who comes from a less privileged background and who arguably has a somewhat unrefined palate, settled for a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

The soothing bath and the relaxing drinks prepared the trio for the next challenging event of their rigorous resort scouting trip. They were tasked with awesome responsibility of evaluating the proposed fare that consisted of Boursin Scalloped Potatoes and Barolo Wine Braised Short Ribs that would be featured at the conference’s closing dinner.

There have been recent stories in the media that reveal that Mr. Neely and his wife have enjoyed holidays in Hawaii and other Pacific islands while ostensibly on important official US Government business. Wow! To be able to live as largely as a Federal civil servant!

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

You have to drink it to know what’s in it

Nancy Pelosi is enjoying a glass of wine in her vineyard

Is she drinking a fine aristocratic Cabernet or taking a daring ride on the commoner’s Night Train?

Anyone who follows politics knows about Nancy Pelosi, the former Speaker of the House and a leading proponent of the Health Care Reform Bill that was rushed through Congress in 2009 using the controversial reconciliation process. Many are also aware that she has been involved in the wine business in California for many years as the owner of Zinfandel Lane Vineyard, a producer of premium grapes in St. Helena and also as a major investor in the bulk wine producer, Ernest & Julio Gallo.

One evening we caught a glimpse of Rep. Pelosi enjoying a glass amongst the grapevines in her vineyard. We could not help but wonder, is it a glass of Liparita’s prize-winning Cabernet Sauvignon or is it perhaps a snort of Night Train or Thunderbird, two revolting Ernest & Julio Gallo inebriants typically associated with the bottom rungs of the lowest quartile of the Ninety-Nine Percenters?

Nancy just said “You have to drink it to know what’s in it.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

British Badgers Behaving Badly

Bad badgers have been digging up graveyards across England

Two sales representatives from the badger clan await the arrival of their underworld contacts to consummate yet another profitable bone transaction

An article published recently by the BBC in the UK brought to light a shocking discovery at the Radnor Street Cemetery in Swindon, a town about 80 miles west of London in the County of Wiltshire. The soil has been disturbed, grass has been torn up, headstones have been toppled and exposed bones have been found at the site. At first it was thought that this was the work of vandals. However it was soon revealed that badgers have been digging up graves in this cemetery that dates back about 130 years where some 33,000 people have been laid to rest since Victorian times. Now, little by little the old bones are being brought to the surface by a group of enterprising badgers that have built a network of tunnels under the graveyard.

The crafty animals are fond of using existing structures such as roads or foundations of buildings as roofs for their setts, which are networks of underground tunnels that comprise a badger’s den. Therefore it should not come as a surprise that the bottom surface of a casket would serve as an ideal roof for a sett. It follows logically that the industrious badgers would soon discover the contents of the caskets. It is not known what would possess the creatures to remove the bones from their resting place and deposit them on the surface. Maybe they’re simply clearing out the casket to create additional living space for their clan.

At first it appeared that there would be a simple solution to the problem. The badgers could be trapped and removed and taken somewhere else. The parish council proposed that the badgers be relocated to a nearby site where they would be less likely to engage in destructive mischief. However, the conservation group Natural England intervened and blocked this proposal on the grounds that this would constitute a violation of the Protection of Badgers Act of 1992, which prohibits the taking or otherwise injuring of badgers or disturbing a sett. Natural England is an NGO whose conservation mandate is set forth in legislation as the government body responsible for the stewardship of the country’s natural environment. Not long afterwards, another NGO, English Heritage, which is funded by the UK Department for Culture, Media and Sport, also stepped in and took a position against the idea because it is believed that the field selected for the relocation might have at one time been the site of a medieval house. In addition, the entire matter is further complicated by the fact that the cemetery was declared to be a Local Nature Reserve back in 2005.

This is not the first time that this phenomenon has occurred. In 2010, children began to bring home bones they found in a field adjacent to 12th century St. Remigius church in the village of Long Clawson in Leicestershire, a small town about 130 miles north of London that is famous for its award-winning Blue Stilton cheese. Other residents reported seeing a skull and other bones protruding from the earth.

This, too, proved to be the work of badgers. The village vicar, Rev. Simon Shoule performs regular excursions into the graveyard to search for bones which he gathers up and buries in a new grave, which cannot be anywhere near the original site due to government regulations that prohibit disturbing the badgers in any way. This has irritated the families of the deceased to see their loved ones’ remains scattered asunder and buried anonymously at other locations.

But that is not the end of the story.

Little did the villagers know the badgers’ real motivation in digging up the grave sites. It wasn’t to make more room in their burrows. They already had more tunnels and chambers than they needed to accommodate their extended families. The real reason was far more sinister. Some years back, the badgers had made contact with an underground criminal ring that was engaged in the trafficking of illegally obtained human body parts. This ghoulish gang colluded with morticians at funeral homes who would remove bones and other tissues from corpses and surreptitiously replace them with lengths of PVC pipe, leaving the bereaved none the wiser. These bones were subsequently sold to body brokers or biomedical tissue companies who in turn resold them for use as dental implants and other procedures involving unsuspecting patients.

When law enforcement turned up the heat on their illicit business, the gang sought out other sources of bones that were less likely to attract the attention of the authorities. With an average sale valued at over $7,000, it did not take the badgers long to discover what a lucrative business this was. In their pursuit of quick riches, the badgers were not really concerned about the consequences of their actions. They engaged in many financial excesses and bought expensive watches and fashionable suits of clothes to wear when they came to the surface to conduct their nefarious business transactions with the shady bone merchants.

The badgers did not even stop to think seriously about the possibility that the old bones might still contain dangerous bacteria and viruses. It is a well-known fact that many of the individuals interred in the cemetery were victims of anthrax, cholera, tuberculosis and other communicable diseases. These organisms have been shown to survive in the soil for very long periods of time, even centuries.

The badgers didn’t really care about the human public health consequences. After all, they were plenty angry that the UK Department of Agriculture and Rural Development had fingered them as the source of the alarming spread of bovine tuberculosis in the countryside, which resulted in the slaughter of approximately 25,000 cattle in 2010 for the purpose of controlling the epidemic. This pronouncement led to the infamous Big Society Badger Cull, a government sanctioned extermination effort that was responsible for the deaths of untold thousands of innocent badgers. Ironically, subsequent studies by independent scientists demonstrated that this carnage had not made a meaningful contribution to the reducing the spread of bovine TB in cattle.

So, what goes around comes around…

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Santorum Agonistes

Senator Santorum is collapsing the columns on the Philistinocrats

In happier times using what trivial weapon came to hand, the jaw of an ass, his sword of bone, a thousand foreskins fell in the strongholds of Iowa, Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri.

Chorus:
Or do my eyes misrepresent? Can this be he?
That heroic, that renowned,
Irresistible Santorum whom, unfunded,
No strength of man, or fiercest pundit, could withstand;
Who tore the Mitt as the Mitt tears the Newt;
Ran on embattled PACs flush with cash,
And, cashless himself,
Made donations ineffective, useless the gesture
Of brazen jabs and negative ads, all deflected
By Hannityean tempered prose and vest of wool,

Santorum:
Yet stay; let me not rashly call in doubt
Poll predictions. What if all foretold
Had been fulfilled but through mine own default?
Whom have I to complain of but myself,
Who this high gift of delegates committed to me,
In what part lodged, how easily bereft me,
Under the seal of bloggers could not keep,

Chorus:
He speaks: let us draw nigh. Matchless in might,
The glory late of Senate seat now the grief!
We come, thy friends and neighbours not unknown.
David Limbaugh, Michelle Malkin and Phyllis Schlafly,
To visit or bewail thee; or, if better,
Counsel or consolation we may bring,
Salve to thy sores: apt words have power to spin
The tumours of a troubled mind,
And are as balm to festered egos,

Santorum:
Your coming, friends, revives me; for I learn
Now of my own experience, not by talk radio,
How counterfeit a coin they are who “supporters”
Bear in their contributions (of the most
I would be understood). In prosperous primaries
They swarm, but in adverse withdraw their purse,
Not to be found, though sought. Ye see, O friends,
How many evils have enclosed me round;
Yet that which was the worst now least afflicts me,

Chorus:
Tax not divine disposal. Wisest politicians
Have erred, and by bad moderators been deceived;
And shall again, pretend they ne’er so wise.
Deject not, then, so overmuch thyself,
Who hast of sorrow thy full load besides.
Yet, truth to say, you still have a great career at Fox.

Don’t understand this? We don’t understand Milton either…

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Newt Gingrich, Moon Colonist

The lunar image of Newt Gingrich shines over the Colorado Rocky Mountains

The beaming image of candidate Newt Gingrich shines over the snow-covered Rocky Mountains on the night of the 2012 Colorado Republican Caucus

Ever since the day Callista hummed the tune of “Fly Me to the Moon” into Newt’s ear during an intimate date in the early days of their seven-year affair when she was a House staff member, former Speaker Newt Gingrich has been enthralled by the idea of setting up a colony on the Moon. Newt was aware, of course, that one of Jupiter’s moons is named Callisto, and he felt that this was an omen that he should lead America’s efforts to return to the moon after an absence of nearly 40 years.

Newt’s critics have cited the astronomical cost and questionable economic value of such a bold endeavor. Newt, however, has placed a positive spin on the idea. The venture will be financed by mining the vast deposits of green cheese, which will not only provide sustenance for the colonists, but will also be the source of valuable export earnings that will make the entire venture deficit neutral while allowing moon residents to live a blissful tax-free existence.

Moon cheese is expected to command a considerable premium over the finest Italian Gorgonzola that currently sells for over $15 a pound. Even the conservative Congressional Budget Office estimates that the moon colony could become profitable within five years. Newt believes that 13,000 colonists would suffice in order to proclaim statehood for the moon. Given the current levels of unemployment and the widespread discontent in the country, it should be easy to recruit enough adventuresome individuals, especially when they naively believe that the lunar maria are indeed oceans and that Jimmy Buffett actually did build a Beach House on the Moon.

In realization of the boost that this potential undertaking is giving to Newt’s campaign, the various Super PACs supporting the speaker have arranged for his likeness to be projected on the surface of the full moon that will appear on February 7th, the night of the Colorado and Minnesota caucuses and the Missouri primary to bathe voters in Newtshine and remind them of the candidate with the bold ideas, and that it may also be an opportune time to invest aggressively in the stocks of companies in the cracker, pizza and fine red wine industries.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Punxsutawney Phil Becomes a Consultant

Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog is holding a crystal ball

Come to me, for I can see the future

After his superiors callously riffed him during a recent reorganization at the National Weather Service, Phil succeeded in establishing himself as a respected independent meteorological consultant. (“getting riffed’ is governmentspeak for unlucky public servants who are the hapless objects of a Reduction In Force, or “RIF”)

Phil realized that in spite of his many years of dedicated government service and his innumerable awards and commendations, it was going to be difficult to simply go and hang out a shingle in front of his burrows at Gobbler’s Knob and attract paying customers off the street. Therefore, Phil decided to adopt a persona inspired by the gypsy fortune tellers of old. He bought a crystal ball at a second hand magic shop and proclaimed himself to be “Phil, Seer of Seers.”

Phil’s main line of business is predicting both short and long-term weather patterns, but when the weather is nice and business is slow, Phil is known to dabble in providing advice to the lovelorn and assessing a client’s potential for acquiring wealth or fame.

It is rumored that Phil has recently been retained by a trailing candidate in the current Republican presidential primary race to provide guidance as to how long he should tough it out before throwing in the towel.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle