Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Government study reveals why snails have sex

Two lusty snails are enjoying a martini before engaging in romantic banter

The handsome, suave Count d’Escargot has slyly seduced yet another glamorous gastropod

It was recently revealed that the National Science Foundation awarded a grant to the University of Iowa for the purpose of conducting research into why New Zealand mud snails go to the trouble of having sex when they are perfectly capable of reproduction by themselves without the need to engage the opposite sex.

The study cost just short of a million dollars, but it produced a startling revelation: The snails do it because it’s a whole lot of fun!

Everybody needs a little romance…

But will the Count call her back in the morning?

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

The Man in the Pickle Barrel Suit

A man wearing only a pickle barrel is supporting the US Capitol

True to President Reagan’s vision of a shining city on the hill, this new Fabergé egg commissioned by Congress celebrates the symbiotic relationship between government and the citizenry, thanks to whose selfless sacrifices this glorious institution has flourished over so many years.

The Shining City on the Hill has never looked so bright
Resplendent in magnificence, brilliance and might
A tall proud city built on rocks stronger than the ocean
Symbolic of our leaders’ noble devotion
I’ve never seen so many tourists gawk in utter awe
At this hallowed monument to our nation’s law
I never saw that wooden suit that you’re wearing
I have been blind
Citizen in the Red

After the fanfare and celebratory atmosphere wound down in the wake of the country’s landmark second inauguration, Congress saw fit to commission a piece of commemorative art that would celebrate their accomplishments and their vision for the future of America.

Although no one conceded much admiration for the Romanovs, several prominent congressional leaders were mesmerized by the elegance and detail of the famed jeweled Fabergé Eggs that were produced for Czar Alexander III and later Czar Nicholas II, as symbols of the power and wealth of imperial Russia. They decided to commission an egg for the government of the United States.

Congressional staffers were instructed to contact the US Embassy in Switzerland to find Deepak Fabergé, one the few remaining descendants of Russian Imperial Jeweler Carl Fabergé who had been rumored to still be producing jeweled eggs in his attic workshop in Lausanne. As soon as he was located, an Air Force C-32 transport plane was dispatched to Geneva in short order to pick up Fabergé and spirit him off to Washington, DC.

After a few formalities and several bottles of scotch, a select Congressional subcommittee instructed Fabergé to produce an egg for display in the Capitol rotunda that would glorify the seat of power that has made so much progress possible and also convey the nation’s appreciation for all the support and sacrifice on the part of the citizenry. They told Fabergé that money was not a concern and to produce as elegant a piece as he could conceive.

It was a tradition in the Fabergé family of jewelers that each egg would contain a surprise inside, and not even the recipient, however prominent an individual, was to know the contents of the egg in advance of its delivery.

After Fabergé returned to his atelier in Lausanne to begin work, the committee members waited in anxious anticipation of the delivery of the egg. What surprise might this new egg contain? Jobs? Health Care? A balanced budget?

Senator Robert Menéndez undergoes Pon Farr

Senator Menéndez and the Doctor Delray are boarding a private jet

Senator Robert Menéndez and Doctor Delray prepare to board a private jet to fly to the Dominican Republic so the senator can undergo Bunga-Bunga therapy to treat his acute case of Pon Farr.

Senator Robert Menendez has been keeping a secret. Although it has been widely suspected among congressional circles for some years, it is only now coming to the awareness of the public as a result of the attention being focused on Senator Menendez by the media over his mysterious trips to the Dominican Republic. The press has been exploring allegations that the Senator has been traveling frequently to that resort island for purposes of enjoying the companionship of young women.

These claims came as a total surprise to many people given that the senator had recently attended “Women for Menendez,” a campaign event hosted by a political committee designed to raise money for his reelection last November. The event touted the senator’s record of success as a champion of women’s issues and his commitment to make sure young people are empowered to reach their full potential.

In view of his stellar record as a champion for women’s rights, these allegations of philandering could not possibly be true. Or could they? Is it possible that Senator Menendez could have been influenced by factors beyond his control? The answer lies in his closely guarded family secret.

It appears that sometime in the very distant past during a time when a Vulcan starship was visiting Earth on a scientific mission, its crew was allowed to disembark on shore leave to explore this unusual planet about which little was known at the time. During that short excursion, the ship’s legal counselor experienced an acute episode of Pon Farr, which as all Star Trek fans know, is an affliction unique to Vulcans whereby they undergo an irresistible urge to mate. Vulcans will die if they fail to identify and mate with a compatible partner within a short window of time.

It just so happened that the Vulcan legal counselor strayed into a nearby village and immediately established empathy with an attractive young Earth maiden whom he had quickly befriended (and seduced with the help of a tankard of Romulan ale.) He hastily satisfied his Pon Farr urges and headed back to the rendezvous point to be beamed back aboard his ship. Just as he was dissolving into an effervescent fog, he waved his universal translator and yelled out “I’ll call you!” to the girl.

The child that resulted from that union grew up to be a revered member of the community due to his unique pointed ears. He was considered to be a sage among his people and was responsible for many innovations that improved everyone’s quality of life. Untold generations later, Robert Menéndez was born of that lineage that carried the Vulcan DNA.

So that was the Senator’s secret. He was part Vulcan. His slightly elongated ears did not particularly betray him, but even back in grade school he irritated his classmates with his logical interpretations of everyday events and he was a hit with the girls when he demonstrated his ability to make a greeting gesture by forming a V with his fingers spread apart between his middle finger and his ring finger while quipping “live long and ace the social studies quiz.“ He was also popular with the nerdy intellectual kids because he could drive the meanest playground bullies into submission by simply applying the Vulcan Nerve Pinch to their necks.

So fast forward to 2013, where Bob Menendez is now a US Senator and Chairman of the powerful Senate Foreign Relations Committee. Since late last year, he has suffered repeated assaults in the media regarding extra-official trips to the Dominican Republic on private jets for the purpose of engaging in sexual trysts with young women. Then, as the newspapers and political bloggers began to suggest that the Chairman Menendez was giving a new interpretation to the term “foreign relations,” his staffers rushed to exercise damage control. “It wasn’t his fault,” they asserted in chorus as an increasing number of women began to come forward with lurid accounts of boozy evenings spent in the company of the senator at elegant private villas in Santo Domingo.

Indeed, it was not his fault. He could not help himself and cannot really be held accountable for his actions. The senator had inherited a recessive gene from his Vulcan ancestor that left him vulnerable to progressively more severe episodes of Pon Farr whereby he had to immediately seek out intimate female companionship in order to avoid succumbing to the condition’s potentially fatal consequences. As it turned out , his closest aides had been aware of the senator’s affliction for some time and had become concerned about the possibility of an embarrassing incident on the Senate floor should Senator Menendez lose all control and attempt to satisfy his uncontrollable urges with, heaven forbid, a female colleague like California Senator Diane Feinstein.

Menendez’s staffers had quietly enlisted the aid of a respected Florida physician who has extensive experience treating this physical and psychological disorder and who has worked with other high profile politicians in developing a remedy for those afflicted. Several years ago, the physician, who prefers to go by the moniker “Dr. Delray.” worked with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi to develop a highly effective course of therapy which was rolled into a ritual that they called “Bunga-Bunga,” that emulates an ancient Vulcan tradition.

Since Pon Farr is a very private matter for Vulcans, Dr. Delray arranged to quietly spirit the senator off to the Dominican Republic where he could discreetly undergo Pon Farr at secretive Bunga-Bunga ceremonies at the doctor’s villa. It was necessary to transport Senator Menendez in the Doctor’s private jet because his staffers felt that it could be a public embarrassment if he suddenly could not control his Pon Farr urges aboard a commercial airliner. (even if the flight attendants were not as youthful and attractive as they were back when he was a young man.)

Because Pon Farr’s effects are difficult to predict and could erupt at any moment without warning, Doctor Delray engaged a renown Romulan therapist with a Eastern European ties to watch over the Senator during his flight and take care of him should he experience a sudden surge of Pon Farr energy while airborne.

The news media is correct in stating that the senator cannot really be held accountable for actions because he is undergoing Pon Farr, a medical and psychological phenomenon that is unique to Vulcans. Furthermore, the senator himself is cautioning any potential political critics that he will consider any negative comments about his activities to be evidence of discrimination against him based on his Vulcan heritage.

Jack Lew practices his signature for the Big Day

Jack Lew shows off examples of his signature practice

oogly boogly boogly oogly

Confident that he will breeze through his Senate confirmation hearings for Secretary of the Treasury, Jack Lew spent all day practicing his signature which will soon appear on all US currency.

See New York Magazine’s conception of Lew’s signature on a new bill

President Obama and Krampus Unwind on the Beach in Hawaii

Krampus and President Obama listen to music on the beach in Hawaii

The Krampus and President Obama are on the beach at Hanauma Bay discussing a contract to punish the members of Congress who have been so naughty in the previous year.

December 5 was Krampus Day in a number of European countries with Teutonic roots. As many of you know, the fierce horned Krampus figures prominently in the folklore of Germany and Austria, and also in the traditions of Hungary and the countries of former Yugoslavia. The role of the Krampus is complementary to that of the benevolent bearded old man who distributes presents to nice children far and wide on Christmas. The Krampus rounds up the naughty children that Santa has passed by and proceeds to whip them with a switch of birch branches. Those who have been exceptionally bad are stuffed into a sack and taken to a remote location in the woods to be devoured by the Krampus.

This year saw an unusually large contingent of naughty children who disobeyed their parents, failed to do their household chores, talked back to their elders, refused to eat their vegetables and got into fights at school. Disciplining the lot of them kept the Krampus very busy and by the time all of the punishment had been meted out, the Krampus was exhausted.

President Obama was likewise very tired from fighting with the Republicans over raising taxes for the rich, saving entitlement programs and avoiding the looming fiscal cliff. The president had just wrapped up a brief chat with the Chancellor of Germany, Andrea Merkel, regarding the debt crisis in Southern Europe when the Chancellor suggested that Mr. Obama invite Krampus to visit him in Hawaii so that they could both unwind on the beach together. Krampus immediately sparked to the idea of escaping the cold German winter and promptly booked a Lufthansa flight from Frankfurt to Honolulu.

Soon after arrival the pair proceeded to Hanauma Bay where they were served heady tropical beverages while being entertained by an exotic dance troupe recruited by the Secret Service. When the show was over, President Obama approached Krampus concerning a possible future contract with the US Department of Justice to castigate all those individuals appearing on the list of naughty legislators that the president has been compiling. Mr. Obama emphasized to Krampus that certain members of Congress had been very, very naughty.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

The Debate

A modern interpretation of Eugene Field’s iconic poem “The Duel” about the fateful clash between the Gingham Dog and the Calico Cat who had a terrible spat and ate each other up

Canine Bark Obama prepares to debate feline Kitt Romney

Fierce adversaries Kitt Romney and Bark Obama prepare to confront each other in the first presidential debate on domestic policy

It was high noon in the Colorado mountains high
The fateful hour of debate dreweth nigh
The crowd grew silent anticipating the drama
As fearless Kitt Romney and bold Bark Obama
Side by side at their podiums stood
Praying to avoid gaffes, knock on wood

(“The old Dutch clock and the Chinese plate
Were on site to watch this much-anticipated debate
They two were among the first to see the drama unfold
The Plate winced as Kitt sized up Bark with eyes ice-cold
The Clock shuddered as Bark assessed Kitt with a look most callous
Each candidate was determined to emerge victorious
“No good will come of this,” said the old Dutch clock, looking perturbed
“I foresee a very bad ending,” the Chinese plate all but concurred)

One was a follower of the grey Pachyderm,
Pledged to limit his opponent to a single term
The incumbent was a devoted disciple of the Donkey
Flatly opposed to the vision of that feline Romney

Prominent legislators had coached the two
Briefing them on the issues with much ado
Foreseeing every attack and each defense
And for the practice spared no expense
Senator Portman had stood in for Bark
So Kitt could hone his attacks like a shark
Senator Kerry pretended to be Kitt
Coaching Bark to strike with serious grit

Suddenly the cries from the audience filled the air:
“There’s no difference between this pair”
“All politicians are cut out of the same cheap cloth”
“They should tell us the facts and cut out all the froth”

But a few astute observers were quick to remark
“Look at the cool blue gingham coat sported by Bark”
“And then there’s Kitt’s handsome fur of red calico”
“Either one could be a most formidable foe”

The moderator called the hall to order without delay
“Gentlemen, prepare to confront the issues of the day”
Kitt Romney arched his back in advance of his strike
And with utmost conviction exclaimed into the mike
“Meow, meow, meow!” (“Government has grown far too large!”)
But with ears drawn back and poised to counterattack
Without skipping a beat Bark Obama retorted back
“Arf, arf, arf!!” (“in order to serve us, government needs to be big”)

“So tell us of your achievements, said the moderator”
Accusations and counterclaims swiftly followed from either orator

Bark on the transportation  industry:

“There wasn’t time to design a green aeroplane, so I opted for a fast train”
“I allocated 8 billion for high-speed rail that will grace our nation’s terrain”
“Then I saved the automotive industry from a calamity most feared”
“Graced them with cash with a little help from Ben of the Beard”
“My injection of loot inspired them to create the Chevy Volt”
“A person who would drive any other car is none less than a dolt”

Kitt’s reply:

“You messed with the market and now look at what you have wrought”
“You have spawned a fleet of cars that nobody has bought”
“Volt, Tesla and Leaf all sit in a dealer’s lot as was widely feared”
“In spite of huge rebates, courtesy of your Man with the Beard”
“If that wasn’t enough, you gave half a billion to Fisker-Valmet”
“For an electric sports car to be built in Finland, to our dismay”

++++++++++

Kitt on stimulus

“Your stimulus program had no lasting effects”
“You fleeced the taxpayers with your imprudent projects”
“Solyndra was a dismal failure that squandered half a billion”
“Under your watch the national debt increased by 5 trillion”
“There were no shovel-ready jobs and the money benefited your cronies”
“The country would have done better at the track betting on the ponies”

Bark’s reply:

“I created 4 million jobs by doing things my way”
“$787 million, I mean billion, was a small price to pay”
“The fiscal multiplier is certainly bound to be greater than one”
“In fact GDP is growing so fast that I’m sure I hit a home run”
“There is no need to be concerned about all the spending”
“We are backed by the full faith and credit of Beijing”

++++++++++

Bark on Bain Capital:

“When you were the heartless steward at Bain”
“It is well known that you inflicted considerable pain”
“You and Goldman Sachs cynically used equity extraction”
“To drain the lifeblood from firms for your own gratification”
“You closed factories all the way from Hawaii to Maine”
“And offshored thousands of jobs for your personal gain”

Kitt’s reply:

“You may call me many a name, but a vulture I’m not”
“I saved many a noble brand from ruin or rot”
“If you sleep on a mattress it is most probably a Sealy”
“Your favorite golf clubs came from Sports Authority”
“And that pizza you had for lunch, it’s from Domino’s
“And your laptop was bought at Staples, or was that Joe’s?”

++++++++++

Bark on animal cruelty:

“You strapped your family pet to the top of your sedan”
“You could not find room inside amongst your clan”
“He howled out in terror with the most woeful woof”
“Then poor Seamus panicked and soiled the roof”

Kitt’s reply:

“You shamelessly dined on your faithful four-legged friend”
“In a heartless move that is hard to comprehend”
“You stewed him in sambal sauce and garnished him with greens”
“And then you enjoyed a smoke after they took away his remains”

++++++++++

Suddenly, Bark blurted out:
“I’m not taking any more abuse from you! That’s it!”
“This is the final straw! I’ve had it too!” echoed Kitt

They leapt and charged towards each other with pent-up emotion
Their fangs bared and their claws poised in the angriest fashion
The podiums crashed to the floor with a deafening wham
And the air soon filled with shreds of calico and gingham
It was a truly terrifying sight to behold such a vicious row
The audience rushed to the door with the moderator in tow

Feline Kitt Romney and canine Bark Obama are fighting furiously

After trading insults for most of the debate, a furious fight breaks out between Kitt Romney and Bark Obama

When the janitor arrived late that night
There was little evidence of that epic fight
The dust had settled and the folks were gone
So he stood up the chairs and tidied up until dawn
But as he prepared to go home for some well-earned rest
He was confronted by a crowd of reporters, all well-dressed.

“What became of the debating candidates?” they all asked in chorus.
“We can’t seem to find them anywhere. Do you have a scoop for us?”
The janitor replied politely as he offered them a chair:
“Those quarrelsome two? I have seen neither hide nor hair of that pair”
“But I do know there was a fierce fight in this hall”
“And I did sweep up a tad of fur, as I recall”
“But no siree, I assumed that they both went home to bed”
But the reporters knew better, so the evening news headline read:

“DEBATING CANDIDATES EAT EACH OTHER UP”
Janitor eyewitness states: “There wasn’t a shred of material evidence left!”

(The old Dutch clock and the Chinese plate
Both confirm this was no mere stalemate
Bark ate Kitt and Kitt ate Bark, no question
Tragically ending their ferocious debating session)

+++++++
THE END

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

GOP Kielbasa Express Rolls Into Tampa

Romney and Ryan arrive in Tampa in a giant sausage car

As the storm subsides, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and Seamus ride their homemade Kielbasa-Mobile into Tampa just in time to gavel open the 2012 Republican Convention

With the annoyance of Hurricane Isaac fading behind them, Republicans from far and wide are converging on Tampa, Florida to rally for their candidates and champion their proposed agenda for the country.

In order to draw attention to President Obama’s divisive policies, party strategists decided to revive the “E Pluribus Unum” motto to underscore the party’s commitment to diversity while at the same bringing all factions of the country together to strive towards a common goal of jobs and prosperity. “Out of many, one?” –Rep. Ryan immediately seized upon the expression clamoring “That’s just how sausage is made!” As an avid hunter and a member of Congress, Rep. Ryan is no stranger to the intricacies of making sausages. In his home state of Wisconsin, his prowess in making kielbasa is undisputed among fellow Cheeseheads.

Furthermore, since Rep. Ryan was once a salesman for Oscar Mayer in Minnesota, he has valuable experience with selling the sausage concept without disclosing too many details as to what went into its making, thus putting him in a strong position to articulate the Republican message on the convention floor.

In a moment of inspiration, Rep. Ryan suggested to his running mate that they rent the Weinermobile to ride into Tampa in a parade that will signal the official beginning of the Republican National Convention. Gov. Romney concurred that the imagery of a giant sausage coursing the streets of Tampa would give the campaign a boost and energize their supporters.

There was a problem, though. Among their many campaign themes was “Build America by buying American” and this gave rise to some concerns regarding potential criticism associated with riding in a vehicle built on an Isuzu chassis manufactured overseas in Japan, Gov. Romney decided against using the official Weinermobile, this in spite of his Rep. Ryan’s proficiency in its operation acquired during his college years.

So, in order to demonstrate their unshakable commitment to financial austerity and responsible spending, the duo agreed to build a custom vehicle using a vintage 1950 Plymouth Special Deluxe 4 Door Sedan that Gov. Romney found in an abandoned barn in western Massachusetts. The two did it all by themselves in their spare time, and without government help.

Seamus reluctantly agreed to accompany his owner on the jaunt in order to refute allegations of abuse and demonstrate for once and for all that he enjoys riding in a kennel on top of a vehicle. This cooperation was predicated on an understanding that he would be rewarded afterwards with one of Rep. Ryan’s tasty homemade kielbasa sausages.

The principle of lower taxes is going to be met with universal acclaim. Nevertheless, the two candidates face numerous daunting obstacles in selling their programs to the electorate, such as widespread public skepticism regarding the viability of devolving Medicaid to the states in the form of block grants that would be conveyed to insolvent spendthrift states like California, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada and New Jersey. What’s more, Rep Ryan’s bold plan for privatizing Medicare has many older Americans wondering if they are going to be on the receiving end of the sausage.

Let the good times roll!

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

The Tragedie of Macben and the Bubble Economie

Macben is posing next to his printing press which is churning out new US currency

Macben is saving the economie with his magick prynting presse

Act 4
In an abandoned Metro tunnel deep below the nation’s capital, three witches are conjuring up trouble for Macben. As they parade around a steaming cauldron, the faint rumbling of an Orange Line train can be heard in the distance.

First Witch
Thrice the brittle hedge funds stumbled

Second Witch
Thrice and once the walled street tumbled

Third Witch
Speculators cry “‘Tis time, ’tis time.”

First Witch
Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison’d debt throw:
Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae
A-I-G and B-of-A
Goldman Sachs and rich folks tax
Dash of TARP and spoiled carp
Medicare and Medicaid
Student loans and underwater homes
Securitize and monetize

All
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Economy burn and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch
Pundits mumble, never humble
Irrational exuberance and unwise bets
Greek debt and subprime mortgages
Offshored jobs and moribund industries
Bloated bonuses and insider trading
Bernie Madoff and R. Allen Stanford
Into the cauldron hot and deep

All
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Economy burn and cauldron bubble.

Three witches are stirring a cauldron full of poisonous ingredients

The triple witching hour has arrived and the Weird Sisters are preparing a potion to cast powerful spells upon the economie

Third Witch
Real estate crumble, derivatives fumble
Bankers grumble and Congress bumble
Unemployment riseth and inflation loometh
Administration waverth and GSA partieth
Treasury selleth and China buyeth
Liquidity traps and shadow stats,
Mark-to-market, bondholder haircut
Moody’s, Fitch and S&P
Sovereign downgrades and party of tea
QE1, QE2 and QE3 soon to be
Manipulate and stimulate

All
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Economy burn and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch
Cool it with a failed IPO,
Then the charm is firm and good.

Enter Geitnercate with three witches

Geitnercate
Oh well done! I commend your pains,
And every one shall share i’ th’ capital gains.
And now about the cauldron sing,
Like bulls and bears in a ring,
Enchanting all that you invest in.

Second Witch
By the picking of my stocks
Something wicked this way comes.
Open, locks,
Whoever knocks.

Macben
How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags?
Has the dreaded hour of triple witching at last arrived?
What is ’t you do?

All
A deed that goes by many names.

Macben
I conjure you by that which you profess—
Howe’er you come to know it,
Insider information or salmon coloured journal
Answer me.
Though you untie the currencies and let them fight
Against the banks, though the yeasty valuations
Confound hedge fund managers and day traders alike
Though swaps be lodged and derivatives blown down,
Though investment houses topple on their warders’ heads,
Though online brokerage firms do slope
Their revenues to their foundations, though the treasure
Of the world economy tumble all together,
Even till destruction sicken, answer me
To what I ask you.

First Witch
Speak

Second Witch
Demand

Third Witch
We’ll answer

First Witch
Say, if th’ hadst rather hear it from our mouths,
Or from our masters’.

Macben
Call ’em. Let me see ’em.

First Witch
Pour in the tears of analysts that hath eaten red ink
Add lobbyist’s grease that graced the Congressional palms
Into the flame

All
Come, high or low;
Thyself and office deftly show!

The ghostly disembodied head of John Maynard Keynes
.

A burst of light flashes down the darkened tunnel.
An apparition slowly rises from the steaming cauldron.
It is the ghost of renowned stimulator John Maynard Keynes


.

Macben
Tell me, thou long lamented sage

First Witch
He knows thy thoughts
Hear his speech, but say thou nought.

First Apparition
Macben! Macben! Macben!
Beware McRon, the thane of Paul.
Be seduced not by his gilded standard
Instead manipulate and stimulate
Dismiss me. Enough!

The specter descends back into the cauldron.

Macben
Wherever thou art, for thy good caution, thanks
Thou hast harp’d my fear aright. But one word more—
Will fair Fedres be occupied, audited or perchance abolished?

First Witch
He will not be commanded. Here’s another
More potent than the first

The ghostly disembodied head of Richard Nixon.

.

A thunderclap is heard. A second apparition slowly resolves from the cauldron’s steamy mist. It is the ghost of Richard Nixon, slayer of the gold standard and champion of fiat money.

.

.

Second Apparition
Macben! Macben! Macben!

Macben
Had I three ears and Siri too, I’d hear thee, o tormented spirit.

Second Apparition
Be greedy, bold, and resolute. Laugh to scorn
The allure of gold and its falsehearted charm
For as long as the presses roll
No harm shall visit Macben

Macben
Then preach on. What need I fear of McRon?
But yet I can’t be double sure, so I take my chance
That the fates will prescribe no nomination
And that I may continue to voice pale-hearted lies
And slumber roundly innocent of inflationary dread.

Nixon’s ghost dissolves back into the eerie fog

The ghostly disembodied head of Alan Greenspan

.

.

A lightning bolt flashes. A third apparition rises from the steaming cauldron. It is the doppelgänger of Alan Greenspan, the architect of the great housing bubble

.

Macben
What is this spirit
That rises like the issue of an elder,
Wearing upon his bald-brow creases of wisdom
While pronouncing equivocal fedspeak

Third Apparition
Be lion-mettled, proud, and take no care
Who chafes, who frets, or where investigators skulk.
Fedres shall never ruined be until
Great Bretton Woods to Foggy Bottom
Shall come against Macben.

Macben
That will never be.
Who can impress the forest, bid the tree
Unfix his earthbound root? Sweet bodements! Good!
Inflation dead, to emerge never till the woods
Of Bretton rise, and our high-placed Macben
Shall live the life of leisure, pay his breath
To time and mortal custom. Yet my heart
Throbs to know one thing. Tell me, if your art
Can tell so much: shall Bankwoe’s issue ever
Govern in this land?

The apparition condenses down into the cauldron

The ghosts of Keynes, Nixon and Greenspan appear to Macben

Macben recoils in horror when he is confronted by the ghosts of Keynes, Nixon and Greenspan and hears their dire predictions.

All
Seek to know no more.

Macben
I will be satisfied: deny me this,
And an eternal recession shall fall upon you! Let me know.
Why sinks that cauldron? and what noise is this?

To be continued…

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Who are the bubble blowers?

Three individuals are seen blowing financial bubbles

Who is responsible for blowing the bubbles that are threatening America’s economy?

It seems like every time I pick up a newspaper or read the Internet news, there is a story about a menacing bubble of one sort or another that is threatening the stability of our economy and indeed the entire world order. I decided to do a little research to see if I could characterize each of the more prominent bubbles to gain a better perspective of the dangers that they may or may not pose. In particular, I wanted to understand the processes that were producing the bubbles and explore the dynamics of these phenomena that are putting so many people in peril.

The Stock Market Bubble

The stock market has had its ups and downs over the years but it now appears that there is an evolving disconnect from reality that is preventing investors from acknowledging that things aren’t as good as they used to be. There is still a deep founded belief that somehow today’s situation is different and that stocks will succeed in navigating the stormy times ahead and continue to provide the generous returns of the past. The analysts and financial pundits have said it is so.

Individual and institutional investors have been ignoring some of the more conspicuous risks that could stifle future earnings and ultimately affect valuations. Advocates of investments in securities have been seduced by the alluring earnings records of US corporations in 2011, part of which can be attributed to the extraordinarily low interest rate environment in today’s economy. This could be seen as a repeat of the “irrational exuberance” phenomenon that Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan alluded to in a 1996 speech that caused markets to shudder from Tokyo to Frankfurt. It is hard to see how the trend can continue as deficits are increasingly funded by the prolific creation of money by the Federal Reserve, and which will at some point trigger a bear market in US Treasuries.

Prominent financial commentators suggested the prospect of a Facebook “IPO Halo” whereby a rapidly rising stock price for the social networking company would lift other technology stocks with a rising tide. Reality, however, played out differently. The company’s $100 billion valuation may not have been entirely justified by its recent financial performance. After a week of trading following the IPO, Facebook’s stock was hovering at around 85% of its IPO price of $38. At the same time the NASDAQ roller-coastered a bit but remained unremarkable with a 1.8% gain for the week.

Evidently, George Soros did not see any halo on the technology horizon as it was reported that his hedge fund, Soros Fund Management, recently liquidated its entire position in Google valued at some $168 million and also sold off half of its investment in Apple Computer.

One cannot help but wonder what will be in store for the financial markets. There would appear to be a mounting crisis of confidence on the part of investors, and particularly, the smaller players. For some time now they have been facing higher risks while experiencing meager returns. It’s as if the average person out there has come to believe that the game is rigged, and nowhere is this sentiment more in evidence than in the litigation that has been initiated against Facebook and the Wall Street firms of Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley and JP Morgan, the three of which reportedly shared a $100 million fee for their underwriting of the IPO. The litigants are alleging that negative information was concealed from the public prior to the IPO and that this led to losses for them. Adding to the sector’s crisis of confidence, JP Morgan announced less than two weeks ago that it had experienced a $2 billion loss as a consequence of derivative trades that went bad.

It was further reported that investors withdrew $85 billion from their mutual funds in 2011 and have pulled out $6 billion just in the first four months of this year. One cannot help but speculate that this investor retrenchment is driven at least in part by a sense that the little guy cannot win in a system that is permeated with corruption and special interests. Nowadays with Greece circling the drain and the European monetary system facing meltdown, this pessimism is understandable.

The Housing Bubble

There was a time in the not too recent past when housing valuations appreciated so consistently year after year that people began to assume that the trend would continue indefinitely. This gave rise to a subculture of “flippers” who bought houses with little or no money down and then resold them shortly thereafter earning them spectacular profits as due to the high leverage they enjoyed. The phenomenon was driven by a number of factors including low introductory interest rates and a failure on the part of lending institutions to exercise proper due diligence in the vetting of potential borrowers.

Another contributing cause was pressure exerted by Congress on banks to provide financing for affordable housing. The lending institutions were granted guarantees on the mortgages extended to individuals that lacked the financial wherewithal to make good on their commitments, especially in an environment of a declining economy with rising unemployment.

All good things must end sometime and that day occurred in December 2008 following several years of slow decline in the housing market. The subprime loan catastrophe that ensued left a trail of foreclosed and abandoned homes in its wake, bankrupting builders, ruining lives and compromising the solvency of some of the nation’s largest financial institutions. The impact was so great that the federal government was forced to step in with a series of rescue measures to assist foreclosed homeowners and banks that had become insolvent as a result of the large volume of delinquent loans.

The Student Loan Bubble

Earlier this year the rating agency, Standard & Poor’s, warned of the mounting danger posed by a growing student loan bubble. The situation was created by a convergence of factors which include tuition costs rising at twice the rate of inflation, a lack of proper underwriting that allowed young people to assume levels of debt inconsistent with their future earning power, and disregarding a weak job market that has left more than half of this year’s graduates under- or unemployed.

The New York Federal Reserve estimates that as of the third quarter of last year, 27% of all student loans have become delinquent. Incredibly, this level of unsustainable debt now exceeds $1 trillion and has eclipsed the nation’s aggregate credit card debt.

As more student loan defaults occur, there will be far-reaching consequences that will impact the entire market as asset-backed securities are inevitably downgraded by the rating agencies.

In 2005, Congress passed the Bankruptcy Abuse and Consumer Protection Act of 2005 that makes it impossible to discharge student loan debt in bankruptcy. However, this is of little comfort to the creditors who are finding it difficult if not impossible to collect from insolvent students who are living in their parents’ basements with scant prospects of employment.

Since universities depend heavily upon the income derived from repayment of government guaranteed student loans, it is not inconceivable that some ivory towers of knowledge will follow Greece in its death spiral into the abyss of debt.

The Unfunded Liabilities Bubble

There has been much fretting and arguing amongst the presidential candidates regarding the snowballing annual deficits that have spawned the nearly $16 trillion public debt now burdening the United States. However, there has been less attention focused on the much greater danger residing at federal, state and local governments attributable to unfunded and contingent liabilities. At the federal level, these additional obligations of about $46 trillion are largely composed of mandatory payments for entitlement programs such as Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. Originally conceived as pay-as-you-go programs, evolving demographics and changing economic conditions have resulted in a situation where tax revenues and other sources of government income are going to be woefully inadequate to meet projected cash flow requirements for the future.

Nowhere is this looming crisis more evident than in Berkeley, California where the city has accumulated nearly $330 million in unfunded liabilities of which nearly 2/3 represent defined benefit pension obligations for city workers. Articles in the press have reported that Berkeley’s recently retired city manager will be entitled to an annual pension benefit of some $280,000. Assuming an annual cost-of-living increase of 2% and the current 2% yield on five-year certificates of deposit, the city would have to set aside a fund of approximately $15 million just to provide the cash flow necessary to support this one individual. When one considers that the city of Berkeley has in excess of 100 pensioners receiving at least $100,000 per annum, the unsustainability of the system becomes glaringly evident.

Estimates regarding the total figure of the unfunded liabilities of the United States range from $62 trillion to $144 trillion, a staggering amount in either instance. Depending on which estimate is selected, the amount of unfunded liabilities could exceed $1 million per US citizen, and it is hard to envision how this debt will ever be satisfied.

Am I on target here? Does anyone have any other bubbles you’d like to discuss? Suggest solutions? Please leave a comment.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Chinese Plate and Tibetan Cat Face-Off

The dragon on a Chinese plate is getting ready to claw a Tibetan Cat

The dragon on the Chinese plate stealthily reaches for the Tibetan Cat with his razor-sharp sharp claws

The Chinese Plate and the Tibetan Cat have yet to settle their differences.

Illustration by Kim Harris