Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Author Archive

Santorum Agonistes

Senator Santorum is collapsing the columns on the Philistinocrats

In happier times using what trivial weapon came to hand, the jaw of an ass, his sword of bone, a thousand foreskins fell in the strongholds of Iowa, Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri.

Chorus:
Or do my eyes misrepresent? Can this be he?
That heroic, that renowned,
Irresistible Santorum whom, unfunded,
No strength of man, or fiercest pundit, could withstand;
Who tore the Mitt as the Mitt tears the Newt;
Ran on embattled PACs flush with cash,
And, cashless himself,
Made donations ineffective, useless the gesture
Of brazen jabs and negative ads, all deflected
By Hannityean tempered prose and vest of wool,

Santorum:
Yet stay; let me not rashly call in doubt
Poll predictions. What if all foretold
Had been fulfilled but through mine own default?
Whom have I to complain of but myself,
Who this high gift of delegates committed to me,
In what part lodged, how easily bereft me,
Under the seal of bloggers could not keep,

Chorus:
He speaks: let us draw nigh. Matchless in might,
The glory late of Senate seat now the grief!
We come, thy friends and neighbours not unknown.
David Limbaugh, Michelle Malkin and Phyllis Schlafly,
To visit or bewail thee; or, if better,
Counsel or consolation we may bring,
Salve to thy sores: apt words have power to spin
The tumours of a troubled mind,
And are as balm to festered egos,

Santorum:
Your coming, friends, revives me; for I learn
Now of my own experience, not by talk radio,
How counterfeit a coin they are who “supporters”
Bear in their contributions (of the most
I would be understood). In prosperous primaries
They swarm, but in adverse withdraw their purse,
Not to be found, though sought. Ye see, O friends,
How many evils have enclosed me round;
Yet that which was the worst now least afflicts me,

Chorus:
Tax not divine disposal. Wisest politicians
Have erred, and by bad moderators been deceived;
And shall again, pretend they ne’er so wise.
Deject not, then, so overmuch thyself,
Who hast of sorrow thy full load besides.
Yet, truth to say, you still have a great career at Fox.

Don’t understand this? We don’t understand Milton either…

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Current events, Politics

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Strange Love

Margaret sits on a bench flanked by two suitors, Swamp Creature and Bigfoot.

Two improbable suitors are competing for young Margaret’s affections.

Love can be strange when you’re torn between two lovers and feeling somewhat like a fool. Poor Margaret has to make up her mind this Valentine’s Day. Who, or in this case, what does she prefer? Will it be surf or turf? Whose heart will she break?

Illustration by Kim Harris

Category:

Animals, bigfoot, Cryptids and monsters, Holidays

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Newt Gingrich, Moon Colonist

The lunar image of Newt Gingrich shines over the Colorado Rocky Mountains

The beaming image of candidate Newt Gingrich shines over the snow-covered Rocky Mountains on the night of the 2012 Colorado Republican Caucus

Ever since the day Callista hummed the tune of “Fly Me to the Moon” into Newt’s ear during an intimate date in the early days of their seven-year affair when she was a House staff member, former Speaker Newt Gingrich has been enthralled by the idea of setting up a colony on the Moon. Newt was aware, of course, that one of Jupiter’s moons is named Callisto, and he felt that this was an omen that he should lead America’s efforts to return to the moon after an absence of nearly 40 years.

Newt’s critics have cited the astronomical cost and questionable economic value of such a bold endeavor. Newt, however, has placed a positive spin on the idea. The venture will be financed by mining the vast deposits of green cheese, which will not only provide sustenance for the colonists, but will also be the source of valuable export earnings that will make the entire venture deficit neutral while allowing moon residents to live a blissful tax-free existence.

Moon cheese is expected to command a considerable premium over the finest Italian Gorgonzola that currently sells for over $15 a pound. Even the conservative Congressional Budget Office estimates that the moon colony could become profitable within five years. Newt believes that 13,000 colonists would suffice in order to proclaim statehood for the moon. Given the current levels of unemployment and the widespread discontent in the country, it should be easy to recruit enough adventuresome individuals, especially when they naively believe that the lunar maria are indeed oceans and that Jimmy Buffett actually did build a Beach House on the Moon.

In realization of the boost that this potential undertaking is giving to Newt’s campaign, the various Super PACs supporting the speaker have arranged for his likeness to be projected on the surface of the full moon that will appear on February 7th, the night of the Colorado and Minnesota caucuses and the Missouri primary to bathe voters in Newtshine and remind them of the candidate with the bold ideas, and that it may also be an opportune time to invest aggressively in the stocks of companies in the cracker, pizza and fine red wine industries.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Current events, Fantasy, Politics

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All your penguins are belong to us

Frogs dressed in winter clothes are taking penguins to their saucer

We have come in peace to collect your penguins. We are taking them to a better place.

Not too terribly long ago, I was perusing through my blog’s logs and stumbled across a search string that I found rather intriguing. It read “Alien abductions frogs from Antarctica.” At first, it struck me as an odd query, but as I looked through scientific articles on the web, I realized that there was genuine concern about the diminishing population of emperor penguins in Antarctica. The scientists attribute this phenomenon to climate change, but could the depletion in the number of penguins be attributable to alien abductions? Could the alien frogs have observed the melting of the glaciers and the breakup of the ice shelves and concluded that the best way to save this cherished species would be to transport them away to a safer place where they would enjoy better protection? I can only speculate that on the alien frogs’ planet, penguins are a highly appreciated species, and periodic expeditions are sent out around the galaxy to collect them and bring them back as pets and mascots for the frogs.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Animals, Extraterrestrials, Fantasy

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Punxsutawney Phil Becomes a Consultant

Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog is holding a crystal ball

Come to me, for I can see the future

After his superiors callously riffed him during a recent reorganization at the National Weather Service, Phil succeeded in establishing himself as a respected independent meteorological consultant. (“getting riffed’ is governmentspeak for unlucky public servants who are the hapless objects of a Reduction In Force, or “RIF”)

Phil realized that in spite of his many years of dedicated government service and his innumerable awards and commendations, it was going to be difficult to simply go and hang out a shingle in front of his burrows at Gobbler’s Knob and attract paying customers off the street. Therefore, Phil decided to adopt a persona inspired by the gypsy fortune tellers of old. He bought a crystal ball at a second hand magic shop and proclaimed himself to be “Phil, Seer of Seers.”

Phil’s main line of business is predicting both short and long-term weather patterns, but when the weather is nice and business is slow, Phil is known to dabble in providing advice to the lovelorn and assessing a client’s potential for acquiring wealth or fame.

It is rumored that Phil has recently been retained by a trailing candidate in the current Republican presidential primary race to provide guidance as to how long he should tough it out before throwing in the towel.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Animals, Current events, Fantasy

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Sledding Towards the Palmetto Primary

The six republican candidates are sledding down a steep hill

And what rough crew, their hour come round at last, sleds towards the Palmetto State to face the electorate?

Eager to escape the punishing northeast weather, the Republican primary contestants suspended their jousting and agreed to disagree for a day or two while traveling to the venue that will be hosting their next confrontation. All of the surviving six were concerned about their dwindling campaign coffers, so they chipped in on the rental of a sled that will carry them most of the way to South Carolina. With the forecast calling for snow in the Adirondacks and all up and down the Appalachians, the six should be able sled most of the way to the balmy lowlands of the Palmetto State just in time for Saturday’s debate in Charleston.

Mitt Romney is leading the pack with Newt Gingrich close behind nipping at his heels. Ron Paul, always on the fringe of the mainstream, chose to travel on an inner tube so that he could remain independent from the rest of the group. He is struggling to hold his own against the leaders, and is hoping for a palmetto putsch to trounce his rivals. Huntsman and Perry are hanging on for dear life, and fear they could share the fate of their recently fallen rival, Michele Bachmann.

One can only wonder if debate fatigue has set in among the electorate after so many acrimonious encounters–twenty thus far since May of last year! Seven debates in January alone! Who will watch all of them? Next Saturday’s debate is competing for a time slot with reruns of “Seinfeld.” Which comedy will the viewers opt for?

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Current events, Politics

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Contested Caucus Claims its First Cat Casualty

The six remaining political cats are sitting on a fence

Six surviving cats are sitting on a fence while their fallen colleague takes up residence in a nearby trash can

The results for Iowa are in! Five candidates underperformed and two exceeded expectations. There was one casualty as a result of this highly contested contest. Today, Michele Bachmann announced that she was withdrawing from the race after failing to meet even the modest expectations in the various polls. This leaves six cats standing.

The outcome was as follows:

Results of the 2012 Iowa Causus

The poll figures cited reflect the composite of multiple polls published by Real Clear Politics on the day prior to the election. Jon Huntsman did not campaign in Iowa. Was Rick Santorum’s 8-point surge for real or was it just a dead cat bounce??

Category:

Animals, Current events, Politics

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Campaigning Cats Claw for Position

Seven political cats are sitting on a fence

Seven contentious cats are sitting on a fence in tenuous harmony as they anxiously await the outcome of the first rounds of primary polling.

Well, the every-four-years circus is in full swing again. Crazy cats, cool cats, conquering cats, chattering cats, controlling cats, climbing cats, conservative cats, candid cats, clever cats, cranky cats, championing cats, confusing cats, challenging cats, conversant cats, cognizant cats, contentious cats, cautious cats, canvassing cats, and poll-cats are all clawing their way towards the top of the heap to claim the coveted catnip, the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States.

Leading the clamoring clowder of cats are MichelleCat, NewtCat, JonCat, RonCat, PerryCat, MittCat and RickCat. Other felicitous felines like TrumpCat and GaryCat lay in waiting to see the outcome of the fray, ready to pounce at a moment’s notice.

There are no less than 53 contests between January 3rd and June 26th during which countless angry hisses will be exchanged and much fur will fly.  It is now high noon in the State of Iowa, and with an unprecedented 41% of undecided voters, no one knows who will prevail. Which cat will begin to gradually fade into oblivion, like the Cheshire Cat of childhood lore? Could the outcome possibly be similar to the legendary duel between the Gingham Dog and Calico Cat, who simply ate each other up, leaving no trace of either adversary?

Only time will tell…

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Animals, Current events, Politics

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How the Government Grinch Overregulated Christmas

The children watch Santa's reindeer drinking at a bar

After the Government Man in Green canceled their appearance at Murdoch’s, the reindeer retreated to Mingle’s Lounge for a snort

Management at Murdoch’s Ranch and Home Supply had a great idea! Why not invite Santa’s reindeer to visit Laramie, Wyoming and entertain the city’s children, many of whom had never seen a real live reindeer. They advertised far and wide for this exciting event, and many looked forward to attending.

It will be a fun occasion for both young and old!
A festive way to forget about the cold
So Murdoch’s emailed the North Pole with a request
Santa, please send out your reindeer at our behest

Santa replied with a chuckle that was hard to hide
My reindeer could use a trial run during Yuletide
My trusted elves are rated in this sleigh type
I will accede to Murdoch’s request via Skype

Well, Santa had crossed swords with the regulators in years past
When the FAA rejected his flight plan as traveling too fast
And then cruelly ordering him to maintain Flight Level two-fifty
Heartbreakingly overflying the homes of the neediest kids in the city

Old Saint Nick summoned his attorneys across the nation
The same ones that deal with defective toy litigation
The lawyers all echoed in concert with conviction
“Magical flying reindeer are not subject to any known jurisdiction”

So, a ground crew of elves preflighted the sleigh
Making sure it was airworthy to soar away
The team was hitched up and in scarcely a flash
Reindeer and elves arrived at Murdoch’s in a dash

When the elf crew went in to announce the arrival of their flight
Murdoch’s store management could hardly contain their delight
That was until confronted by a gruff figure standing by the sleigh
Who brought tidings that would certainly ruin the group’s day

“No so fast,” said the Government Man all dressed in green
“Trafficking in reindeer is a crime most obscene
It constitutes a violation of Game and Fish regulations
Read Chapter 10, section 5(d)(ii)(F), if you have the patience”

“As sure as I stand here in my green galoshes
You are all dangerous vectors of deadly brucellosis
You will not set hooves on this pristine pavement
Begone at once or I will quarantine you in confinement”

For Rudolph this was the very last straw
This time the regulators really stuck in his craw
He had guided his team to this godforsaken town
Only to have a petty bureaucrat shake them down

Newspaper ad announcing the cancellation of the reindeer event

The Government Man in Green wishes: “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

Then Rudolph suddenly blurted out:

“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!
Trot across the parking lot to Mingle’s Lounge
The first round’s on me, no need to scrounge”

They took seats at the bar and summoned the serving lass
While the children all pressed their noses to the window glass
The kids were speechless as they watched the spectacle inside
And beheld the reindeer as they began to imbibe

Rudolph bemoaned the absence of Christmas cheer
Prompting him to cry out, “Barman, another round of Reinbeer!”
Soon Blitzen was blitzed and Comet had lost consciousness
Both of them casualties of regulatory excessiveness

Eventually the barman said, “Gentlemen,” pointing to a sign
“You’re a delightful gang, but it’s now closing time”
So they gently lifted Comet’s face out of his plate of nachos
And carried him back to the sleigh like a sack of potatoes

Weeks later on Christmas Eve, Santa alighted on the roof
Of the residence of a ranger widely regarded as annoyingly aloof
Down the chimney he shimmied, stealthy as a mouse
To place lumps of coal in all the stockings in the house

Santa ate all the cookies and gave the milk to the cat
Who scorned the gesture upon realizing it was nonfat
Then Santa helped himself to the household’s best scotch
Before hurriedly exiting while glancing at his watch

Relaxing at home with Mrs. Claus in the wake of a busy Noel
Santa said “Honey, I haven’t seen my American Express card in a spell”
She promptly replied, “I gave it to Rudolph to fuel your sleigh
And before I could ask for it back, he was well on his way.”

A reindeeer is holding Santa's American Express Card

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer says: “Don’t leave the North Pole without it”

EPILOGUE:

The reindeer are planning to graze on a faraway hill
On the day that the mail carrier delivers Santa’s bill
For the gentle bearded old man will surely throw a fit
When he sees the large balance he is instructed to remit

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Animals, Current events, Fantasy, Holidays, Politics

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Rescued Penguins Sporting Fashionable New Sweaters

Three penguins are keeping warm with their new sweaters

Three proud penguins show off their colorful new knitted sweaters

On October 5, 2011, the 800-foot long container ship Rena struck the Astrolabe reef off New Zealand’s Port of Tauranga, causing 88 containers to fall into the sea and the release of a fuel oil spill estimated at 360 metric tons. Cleanup crews have recovered much of the oil, but at least a thousand seabirds have been killed.

It is hard to conceive how a tragedy of this magnitude could possibly occur, given that all these reefs are charted and stored in the maps contained in modern GPS systems.

Rescuers are cleaning the birds with canola oil to remove the fuel oil. Then, they are cleansed with detergent. Each bird cleaning requires about 250 gallons of water and takes about a half hour. This process eliminates the natural oils in the birds’ feathers, which makes them vulnerable to hypothermia.

A knitting shop called The Yarn Kitchen put out an appeal for knitters worldwide to make tiny sweaters for the little blue penguins most affected by the spill. Volunteers from far and wide responded to the call and produced a deluge of colorful sweaters, some of them embellished with environmental messages. The sweaters serve a dual purpose – to keep the birds warm until their natural oils are replenished, but more importantly, they prevent the birds from preening themselves and ingesting toxic oil residues.

All was not bad news for the birds. Seagulls were delighted when a broken container full of partially cooked hamburgers washed up on the shores of the Bay of Plenty and disgorged its contents onto the beach.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Animals, Current events

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