May your Valentine’s Day be embellished with wine and roses and a romantic dinner in the company of a dreamy stranger with mysterious eyes hiding behind fleecy golden locks.
Happy Valentine’s Day Everybody!
Photo by Don Rudisuhle
Fly me to the moon in 2014. Let me play among the stars…
Cupid enjoys his Valentine’s Day breakfast
Cupid enjoys an extra-large double mocha cappuccino and a chocolate croissant prior to taking flight on his annual quest to spread romance across the cosmos.
The three holiday crafters are arguing to decide who gets the remaining nori paste
The annual Greenville Holiday Crafting Workshop was going quite well until Julia announced there wasn’t enough nori paste to go around. Things went steadily downhill from that point.
The Krampus and President Obama are on the beach at Hanauma Bay discussing a contract to punish the members of Congress who have been so naughty in the previous year.
December 5 was Krampus Day in a number of European countries with Teutonic roots. As many of you know, the fierce horned Krampus figures prominently in the folklore of Germany and Austria, and also in the traditions of Hungary and the countries of former Yugoslavia. The role of the Krampus is complementary to that of the benevolent bearded old man who distributes presents to nice children far and wide on Christmas. The Krampus rounds up the naughty children that Santa has passed by and proceeds to whip them with a switch of birch branches. Those who have been exceptionally bad are stuffed into a sack and taken to a remote location in the woods to be devoured by the Krampus.
This year saw an unusually large contingent of naughty children who disobeyed their parents, failed to do their household chores, talked back to their elders, refused to eat their vegetables and got into fights at school. Disciplining the lot of them kept the Krampus very busy and by the time all of the punishment had been meted out, the Krampus was exhausted.
President Obama was likewise very tired from fighting with the Republicans over raising taxes for the rich, saving entitlement programs and avoiding the looming fiscal cliff. The president had just wrapped up a brief chat with the Chancellor of Germany, Andrea Merkel, regarding the debt crisis in Southern Europe when the Chancellor suggested that Mr. Obama invite Krampus to visit him in Hawaii so that they could both unwind on the beach together. Krampus immediately sparked to the idea of escaping the cold German winter and promptly booked a Lufthansa flight from Frankfurt to Honolulu.
Soon after arrival the pair proceeded to Hanauma Bay where they were served heady tropical beverages while being entertained by an exotic dance troupe recruited by the Secret Service. When the show was over, President Obama approached Krampus concerning a possible future contract with the US Department of Justice to castigate all those individuals appearing on the list of naughty legislators that the president has been compiling. Mr. Obama emphasized to Krampus that certain members of Congress had been very, very naughty.
Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle
Two improbable suitors are competing for young Margaret’s affections.
Love can be strange when you’re torn between two lovers and feeling somewhat like a fool. Poor Margaret has to make up her mind this Valentine’s Day. Who, or in this case, what does she prefer? Will it be surf or turf? Whose heart will she break?
Illustration by Kim Harris
After the Government Man in Green canceled their appearance at Murdoch’s, the reindeer retreated to Mingle’s Lounge for a snort
Management at Murdoch’s Ranch and Home Supply had a great idea! Why not invite Santa’s reindeer to visit Laramie, Wyoming and entertain the city’s children, many of whom had never seen a real live reindeer. They advertised far and wide for this exciting event, and many looked forward to attending.
It will be a fun occasion for both young and old!
A festive way to forget about the cold
So Murdoch’s emailed the North Pole with a request
Santa, please send out your reindeer at our behest
Santa replied with a chuckle that was hard to hide
My reindeer could use a trial run during Yuletide
My trusted elves are rated in this sleigh type
I will accede to Murdoch’s request via Skype
Well, Santa had crossed swords with the regulators in years past
When the FAA rejected his flight plan as traveling too fast
And then cruelly ordering him to maintain Flight Level two-fifty
Heartbreakingly overflying the homes of the neediest kids in the city
Old Saint Nick summoned his attorneys across the nation
The same ones that deal with defective toy litigation
The lawyers all echoed in concert with conviction
“Magical flying reindeer are not subject to any known jurisdiction”
So, a ground crew of elves preflighted the sleigh
Making sure it was airworthy to soar away
The team was hitched up and in scarcely a flash
Reindeer and elves arrived at Murdoch’s in a dash
When the elf crew went in to announce the arrival of their flight
Murdoch’s store management could hardly contain their delight
That was until confronted by a gruff figure standing by the sleigh
Who brought tidings that would certainly ruin the group’s day
“No so fast,” said the Government Man all dressed in green
“Trafficking in reindeer is a crime most obscene
It constitutes a violation of Game and Fish regulations
Read Chapter 10, section 5(d)(ii)(F), if you have the patience”
“As sure as I stand here in my green galoshes
You are all dangerous vectors of deadly brucellosis
You will not set hooves on this pristine pavement
Begone at once or I will quarantine you in confinement”
For Rudolph this was the very last straw
This time the regulators really stuck in his craw
He had guided his team to this godforsaken town
Only to have a petty bureaucrat shake them down
The Government Man in Green wishes: “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”
Then Rudolph suddenly blurted out:
“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!
Trot across the parking lot to Mingle’s Lounge
The first round’s on me, no need to scrounge”
They took seats at the bar and summoned the serving lass
While the children all pressed their noses to the window glass
The kids were speechless as they watched the spectacle inside
And beheld the reindeer as they began to imbibe
Rudolph bemoaned the absence of Christmas cheer
Prompting him to cry out, “Barman, another round of Reinbeer!”
Soon Blitzen was blitzed and Comet had lost consciousness
Both of them casualties of regulatory excessiveness
Eventually the barman said, “Gentlemen,” pointing to a sign
“You’re a delightful gang, but it’s now closing time”
So they gently lifted Comet’s face out of his plate of nachos
And carried him back to the sleigh like a sack of potatoes
Weeks later on Christmas Eve, Santa alighted on the roof
Of the residence of a ranger widely regarded as annoyingly aloof
Down the chimney he shimmied, stealthy as a mouse
To place lumps of coal in all the stockings in the house
Santa ate all the cookies and gave the milk to the cat
Who scorned the gesture upon realizing it was nonfat
Then Santa helped himself to the household’s best scotch
Before hurriedly exiting while glancing at his watch
Relaxing at home with Mrs. Claus in the wake of a busy Noel
Santa said “Honey, I haven’t seen my American Express card in a spell”
She promptly replied, “I gave it to Rudolph to fuel your sleigh
And before I could ask for it back, he was well on his way.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer says: “Don’t leave the North Pole without it”
EPILOGUE:
The reindeer are planning to graze on a faraway hill
On the day that the mail carrier delivers Santa’s bill
For the gentle bearded old man will surely throw a fit
When he sees the large balance he is instructed to remit
Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle
Bigfoot and Chupi Chupacabra quaff a cold one to celebrate Cinco de Mayo
To celebrate Cinco de Mayo, Bigfoot and Chupi Chupacabra met at a bar at an isolated location in Mexico to share a cold beer and tell spellbinding stories about their adventures frightening tourists, hikers and bird watchers.
Para celebrar el Cinco de Mayo, el Pie Grande y Chupi Chupacabras se reunieron en una cantina en un sitio aislado en México para compartir una cerveza helada y contar cuentos apasionantes de sus aventuras asustando a turistas, excursionistas y observadores de aves.
The chicken mariachi band is the life of the fiesta
In a small remote village in the north of Mexico, a lovely lady Chupacabra dances to the rhythm of a chicken mariachi band while her husband strums the classical guitar.
En una pequeña población remota en el norte de México, una hermosa Chupacabras baila al compás de un conjunto de pollos mariachis mientras que su marido rasguea la guitarra clásica.
Professor Peacock's Easter expedition ends badly.
A cryptozoologist who has spent years searching for the enigmatic giant Easter Egg finds that the euphoria of his discovery will be short-lived.
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