Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Archive for the ‘Current events’ Category

Sledding Towards the Palmetto Primary

The six republican candidates are sledding down a steep hill

And what rough crew, their hour come round at last, sleds towards the Palmetto State to face the electorate?

Eager to escape the punishing northeast weather, the Republican primary contestants suspended their jousting and agreed to disagree for a day or two while traveling to the venue that will be hosting their next confrontation. All of the surviving six were concerned about their dwindling campaign coffers, so they chipped in on the rental of a sled that will carry them most of the way to South Carolina. With the forecast calling for snow in the Adirondacks and all up and down the Appalachians, the six should be able sled most of the way to the balmy lowlands of the Palmetto State just in time for Saturday’s debate in Charleston.

Mitt Romney is leading the pack with Newt Gingrich close behind nipping at his heels. Ron Paul, always on the fringe of the mainstream, chose to travel on an inner tube so that he could remain independent from the rest of the group. He is struggling to hold his own against the leaders, and is hoping for a palmetto putsch to trounce his rivals. Huntsman and Perry are hanging on for dear life, and fear they could share the fate of their recently fallen rival, Michele Bachmann.

One can only wonder if debate fatigue has set in among the electorate after so many acrimonious encounters–twenty thus far since May of last year! Seven debates in January alone! Who will watch all of them? Next Saturday’s debate is competing for a time slot with reruns of “Seinfeld.” Which comedy will the viewers opt for?

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

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Current events, Politics

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Contested Caucus Claims its First Cat Casualty

The six remaining political cats are sitting on a fence

Six surviving cats are sitting on a fence while their fallen colleague takes up residence in a nearby trash can

The results for Iowa are in! Five candidates underperformed and two exceeded expectations. There was one casualty as a result of this highly contested contest. Today, Michele Bachmann announced that she was withdrawing from the race after failing to meet even the modest expectations in the various polls. This leaves six cats standing.

The outcome was as follows:

Results of the 2012 Iowa Causus

The poll figures cited reflect the composite of multiple polls published by Real Clear Politics on the day prior to the election. Jon Huntsman did not campaign in Iowa. Was Rick Santorum’s 8-point surge for real or was it just a dead cat bounce??

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Animals, Current events, Politics

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Campaigning Cats Claw for Position

Seven political cats are sitting on a fence

Seven contentious cats are sitting on a fence in tenuous harmony as they anxiously await the outcome of the first rounds of primary polling.

Well, the every-four-years circus is in full swing again. Crazy cats, cool cats, conquering cats, chattering cats, controlling cats, climbing cats, conservative cats, candid cats, clever cats, cranky cats, championing cats, confusing cats, challenging cats, conversant cats, cognizant cats, contentious cats, cautious cats, canvassing cats, and poll-cats are all clawing their way towards the top of the heap to claim the coveted catnip, the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States.

Leading the clamoring clowder of cats are MichelleCat, NewtCat, JonCat, RonCat, PerryCat, MittCat and RickCat. Other felicitous felines like TrumpCat and GaryCat lay in waiting to see the outcome of the fray, ready to pounce at a moment’s notice.

There are no less than 53 contests between January 3rd and June 26th during which countless angry hisses will be exchanged and much fur will fly.  It is now high noon in the State of Iowa, and with an unprecedented 41% of undecided voters, no one knows who will prevail. Which cat will begin to gradually fade into oblivion, like the Cheshire Cat of childhood lore? Could the outcome possibly be similar to the legendary duel between the Gingham Dog and Calico Cat, who simply ate each other up, leaving no trace of either adversary?

Only time will tell…

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

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Animals, Current events, Politics

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How the Government Grinch Overregulated Christmas

The children watch Santa's reindeer drinking at a bar

After the Government Man in Green canceled their appearance at Murdoch’s, the reindeer retreated to Mingle’s Lounge for a snort

Management at Murdoch’s Ranch and Home Supply had a great idea! Why not invite Santa’s reindeer to visit Laramie, Wyoming and entertain the city’s children, many of whom had never seen a real live reindeer. They advertised far and wide for this exciting event, and many looked forward to attending.

It will be a fun occasion for both young and old!
A festive way to forget about the cold
So Murdoch’s emailed the North Pole with a request
Santa, please send out your reindeer at our behest

Santa replied with a chuckle that was hard to hide
My reindeer could use a trial run during Yuletide
My trusted elves are rated in this sleigh type
I will accede to Murdoch’s request via Skype

Well, Santa had crossed swords with the regulators in years past
When the FAA rejected his flight plan as traveling too fast
And then cruelly ordering him to maintain Flight Level two-fifty
Heartbreakingly overflying the homes of the neediest kids in the city

Old Saint Nick summoned his attorneys across the nation
The same ones that deal with defective toy litigation
The lawyers all echoed in concert with conviction
“Magical flying reindeer are not subject to any known jurisdiction”

So, a ground crew of elves preflighted the sleigh
Making sure it was airworthy to soar away
The team was hitched up and in scarcely a flash
Reindeer and elves arrived at Murdoch’s in a dash

When the elf crew went in to announce the arrival of their flight
Murdoch’s store management could hardly contain their delight
That was until confronted by a gruff figure standing by the sleigh
Who brought tidings that would certainly ruin the group’s day

“No so fast,” said the Government Man all dressed in green
“Trafficking in reindeer is a crime most obscene
It constitutes a violation of Game and Fish regulations
Read Chapter 10, section 5(d)(ii)(F), if you have the patience”

“As sure as I stand here in my green galoshes
You are all dangerous vectors of deadly brucellosis
You will not set hooves on this pristine pavement
Begone at once or I will quarantine you in confinement”

For Rudolph this was the very last straw
This time the regulators really stuck in his craw
He had guided his team to this godforsaken town
Only to have a petty bureaucrat shake them down

Newspaper ad announcing the cancellation of the reindeer event

The Government Man in Green wishes: “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

Then Rudolph suddenly blurted out:

“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!
Trot across the parking lot to Mingle’s Lounge
The first round’s on me, no need to scrounge”

They took seats at the bar and summoned the serving lass
While the children all pressed their noses to the window glass
The kids were speechless as they watched the spectacle inside
And beheld the reindeer as they began to imbibe

Rudolph bemoaned the absence of Christmas cheer
Prompting him to cry out, “Barman, another round of Reinbeer!”
Soon Blitzen was blitzed and Comet had lost consciousness
Both of them casualties of regulatory excessiveness

Eventually the barman said, “Gentlemen,” pointing to a sign
“You’re a delightful gang, but it’s now closing time”
So they gently lifted Comet’s face out of his plate of nachos
And carried him back to the sleigh like a sack of potatoes

Weeks later on Christmas Eve, Santa alighted on the roof
Of the residence of a ranger widely regarded as annoyingly aloof
Down the chimney he shimmied, stealthy as a mouse
To place lumps of coal in all the stockings in the house

Santa ate all the cookies and gave the milk to the cat
Who scorned the gesture upon realizing it was nonfat
Then Santa helped himself to the household’s best scotch
Before hurriedly exiting while glancing at his watch

Relaxing at home with Mrs. Claus in the wake of a busy Noel
Santa said “Honey, I haven’t seen my American Express card in a spell”
She promptly replied, “I gave it to Rudolph to fuel your sleigh
And before I could ask for it back, he was well on his way.”

A reindeeer is holding Santa's American Express Card

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer says: “Don’t leave the North Pole without it”

EPILOGUE:

The reindeer are planning to graze on a faraway hill
On the day that the mail carrier delivers Santa’s bill
For the gentle bearded old man will surely throw a fit
When he sees the large balance he is instructed to remit

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Animals, Current events, Fantasy, Holidays, Politics

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Rescued Penguins Sporting Fashionable New Sweaters

Three penguins are keeping warm with their new sweaters

Three proud penguins show off their colorful new knitted sweaters

On October 5, 2011, the 800-foot long container ship Rena struck the Astrolabe reef off New Zealand’s Port of Tauranga, causing 88 containers to fall into the sea and the release of a fuel oil spill estimated at 360 metric tons. Cleanup crews have recovered much of the oil, but at least a thousand seabirds have been killed.

It is hard to conceive how a tragedy of this magnitude could possibly occur, given that all these reefs are charted and stored in the maps contained in modern GPS systems.

Rescuers are cleaning the birds with canola oil to remove the fuel oil. Then, they are cleansed with detergent. Each bird cleaning requires about 250 gallons of water and takes about a half hour. This process eliminates the natural oils in the birds’ feathers, which makes them vulnerable to hypothermia.

A knitting shop called The Yarn Kitchen put out an appeal for knitters worldwide to make tiny sweaters for the little blue penguins most affected by the spill. Volunteers from far and wide responded to the call and produced a deluge of colorful sweaters, some of them embellished with environmental messages. The sweaters serve a dual purpose – to keep the birds warm until their natural oils are replenished, but more importantly, they prevent the birds from preening themselves and ingesting toxic oil residues.

All was not bad news for the birds. Seagulls were delighted when a broken container full of partially cooked hamburgers washed up on the shores of the Bay of Plenty and disgorged its contents onto the beach.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

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Animals, Current events

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The World Will be Destroyed by Fire Today!

A green space alien in a chef’s uniform is sautéing the Earth

A seasoned extraterrestrial chef sautés the Earth in fulfillment of the prophesies of doomsday preacher Harold Camping

Well, there was no evidence of a widespread rapture event on May 21, 2011 and the dead didn’t clamber out of their graves and float skyward. This came as a shock to those followers of doomsday preacher Harold Camping who had quit their jobs, sold all their possessions and maxed out their credit cards in anticipation of their imminent demise. According to Camping, the rapture did actually occur, but it was a stealthy rapture that passed unnoticed by the faithful and nonbelievers alike. Now, Camping asserts that the world will end on October 21, 2011, when it will be destroyed by fire.

This time there will be no billboards, pamphlets or $100 million advertising outreach campaigns to the public. Camping does not believe that the world will end in a flash and a puff of smoke. Rather, he thinks that the end will arrive very, very quietly. However, Camping had no idea that world’s destiny was to slowly simmer over low heat until crispy and then be briefly flambéed with a celestial cognac for the dining pleasure of a group of hungry extraterrestrial beings.

So folks, cancel all your appointments and break out that good bottle of wine that you have secreted away in the cellar. You won’t be needing it for the holidays, so you had better enjoy it today before global warming takes on an altogether new meaning.

In any event, if this one doesn’t pan out, there is always the December 21, 2012 apocalypse predicted by the Mayan calendar that will be triggered by the alignment of the planets and presided over by the Aztec feathered serpent deity Quetzalcoatl.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Current events, Extraterrestrials, Fantasy, Food

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Green Hole Devours the Earth

President Obama, Ben Bernanke and Timothy Geithner flee Earth in a UFO

An artist’s rendering of the harrowing escape by President Obama and his trusted advisers just as the Earth is assimilated into the green hole of debt

NASA scientists recently announced that they have been watching a high-energy radiation beam emanating from a remote galaxy 3.9 billion light years away. Their findings were published last week and revealed that the beam, which astronomers have named Swift J 1644+57, was likely a black hole that was in the process of capturing and absorbing a hapless star that innocently wandered into its neighborhood.

Just a few days later, NASA scientists informed the White House that they had observed the possible formation of a similar black hole in close proximity to the Earth. Closer examination of the phenomenon revealed that it was actually a green hole that appeared to consist of a nebula of worthless US currency. Unprecedented government spending over the last several decades congealed into a critical mass of depreciated dollars circulating around the Earth and ultimately collapsed into a voracious vortex from which nothing could escape. The gravitational effects of this phenomenon were believed to be provoking earthquakes and spawning extreme weather around the globe and the anomaly was now beginning to digest the moon.

This horrifying discovery was promptly classified and White House staffers immediately declared a DEFCON 1 condition and sprang into action to execute the plan designed to protect the nation’s leaders in the event of imminent destruction of the planet. Frenzied calls were made to the Area 51 Air Force Base at Groom Lake, Nevada to secure a captured alien saucer to evacuate President Obama, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. The saucer was dispatched without delay and the trio was whisked away to an undisclosed location somewhere in the cosmos.

Democratic congressional staffers told Speaker John Boehner and Congressman Paul Ryan that a Commander would be waiting for them on the mall in front of the Capitol and proceeded to herd them into what the two legislators were led to believe was a nuclear powered evacuation pod.

Speaker Boehner and Congressman Paul Ryan think they are in nuclear powered evacuation pod

Speaker John Boehner and Congressman Paul Ryan were elated when they thought they would escape in a nuclear powered evacuation pod, but when the frenzy subsided they soon realized that they were sitting in a 1951 Studebaker Commander

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Current events, Extraterrestrials, Politics

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Secretary Geithner’s Failed Rescue Plan

Alien UFOs are beaming up valuable items at the Treasury Department

After the value of their investment in T-Bills dropped dramatically, the extraterrestrials sent a repo fleet to Washington to collect all the valuable items they can find

Secretary Geithner’s ingenious rescue plan is thwarted by the unexpected demands of unusual and unexpected bondholders.

The warning signs of the stress cracks in the US financial system had been appearing for some time now, but the cunning team of Geithner and Bernanke had it all figured out well in advance. The Chinese will continue to buy our Treasury debt no matter what, because they need to continue providing fuel to the American consumers to buy products from China and help deal with the growing overcapacity in that country’s manufacturing sector. Also, a selloff of their US Treasury holdings could trigger a drop in the dollar, which would deprecate the value of their investment.

For some months now, the financial press has been abuzz with increasingly alarming stories about the unthinkable prospect of a default on US Treasury obligations. Opposing congressional factions are far from agreeing on the prerequisites for containing the burgeoning national debt and President Obama has made it clear that any compromise the legislators arrive at must also conform to his vision for the country. Otherwise, he will not hesitate to exercise his veto power.

The storm clouds began to gather back in March when Pacific Investment Management Co sold off all the government debt from their $237 billion PIMCO Total Return Fund, the largest mutual fund in the world. Then, in April the respected ratings agency Standard & Poor’s announced that it was revising the United States’ AAA sovereign credit rating from ‘stable’ to ‘negative.’ That move was precipitated by the agency’s concern that a budget ceiling agreement between the parties might not be reached in time to be implemented and thus lowering the US’s creditworthiness with respect to other peer sovereigns who enjoy the same coveted rating.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner promptly shrugged off S&P’s ominous announcement and told Bloomberg Television that the low cost at which the US can borrow is proof that both local and foreign investors believe that the US economy is strong and that its debt will hold its value. However, S&P placed US sovereign ratings on formal credit watch, stating that there is a 50-50 possibility that the agency could downgrade the country’s debt. Yesterday, S&P reiterated that the country’s rating could be cut to AA as early as August, move that would likely trigger an increase in short and long-term interest rates.

At present, just days short of the predicted meltdown deadline of August 2nd, the polemics in Washington continue to rage unabated, with legislators seeming oblivious to the implications of S&P’s stern warnings which were soon echoed by Moody’s Investor Service, who also put the US on a downgrade watch. The Chinese credit ratings agency Dagong followed on Moody’s heels with a similar warning of their own, citing the sluggish growth and persistent deficits in the US.

Andy Xie, the former chief economist for Asia for Morgan Stanley, recently stated that China’s financial policy makers are “very, very bearish” on the US dollar and are seeking to diversify the country’s holdings away from America’s faltering currency. China’s purchase of euro-denominated bonds may provide them with some diversification of risk, although the Chinese recognize that the euro might be a poor substitute for the dollar due to the precarious financial state of the PIIGS countries, all of which may have to be bailed out in the future as the European Central Bank attempts to contain that continent’s sovereign debt crisis. Citing John Maynard Keynes’ supranational currency proposed back in 1940, the ‘Bancor,’ Zhou Xiaochuan, the Governor of the People’s Bank of China, has advocated replacing the US Dollar with IMF Special Drawing Rights (SDRs) as the new centrally managed global reserve currency.

Unbeknownst to Geithner and Bernanke, officials at the People’s Bank of China secretly devised a novel strategy to decrease their exposure to the dollar component of their portfolio currently estimated to contain in excess of $1 trillion in US Treasuries.

Those who follow UFO events are likely aware of the rumored existence of a secret alien base located in the vicinity of the Kongka La Pass in the disputed area of Aksai Chin on the India-China border. This bleak, frigid, inhospitable Himalayan pass sits at 17,000 feet elevation and has a population density of only 3 people per square mile. It is here where strange glowing cylindrical objects and silent triangular craft are said to emerge from the ground and depart vertically at unearthly speeds.

The Chinese have been aware of this base for a long time and some years ago established a friendship with the extraterrestrial beings who have built a vast underground facility in the area. At some point during a casual discussion concerning the mineral resources on Earth, the aliens mentioned that gold exists in abundance on their home planet and is mined principally for use in electronic circuitry, as it has no other real value to them. The Chinese delegation got the aliens’ immediate attention when they told them about their vast holdings of interest-bearing paper instruments issued by the richest and most powerful nation on the planet. The aliens were unfamiliar with the concept of lending something of value and actually getting back more than you lent out, and rapidly warmed up to the Chinese proposal to trade gold for US Treasury obligations.

A quick back-of-the-envelope calculation was performed, and it was agreed that the People’s Bank of China would trade 20,000 tons of gold in exchange for $500 billion of US Treasury notes. The deal, which represented about a 50% discount on the current market value of gold was quickly consummated and a cargo saucer was dispatched to fetch the gold.

Well, the end result was predictable. In spite of all the effort put forth by the Congress and President Obama, the dollar declined in value, interest rates soared and bond values collapsed. The extraterrestrial investors were outraged as they had been led to believe that their investment would be backed by the ‘full faith and credit’ of the most powerful nation on the planet

However, when the extraterrestrials went to cash in their T-Bills, they found them to be worth a lot less than they had been told and so they sent a repo fleet to collect whatever Earth items of value they could find. They felt it was appropriate to start with the US Treasury Department, so upon arrival they quickly put their tractor beams and giant vacuums to work to collect everything they could interpret as collateral.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

Category:

Current events, Economy, Extraterrestrials, Politics

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Obama’s Magic Loafers and the Solitary Rose

President Obama is on the asteroid Vesta along with a lone rose

President Obama travels to the asteroid Vesta to escape the stress of the debt ceiling debate

On July 6, 2011, President Obama conducted a Twitter Town Hall Meeting where he addressed the future of America’s space program. He spoke enthusiastically about the need to redirect NASA’s vision away from its current model that is rooted in the past and focus instead on aggressive new objectives, like a manned mission to Mars. The president further stated “A good pit stop is an asteroid. I haven’t actually — we haven’t identified the actual asteroid yet, in case people are wondering.”

Late tonight the Dawn spacecraft will rendezvous with the giant asteroid Vesta. Dawn was launched in September 2007 and has now completed the first 117 million mile leg of its historic journey. The probe is scheduled to orbit the protoplanet until July 2012 to take scientific measurements and transmit back images before proceeding on to the asteroid Ceres, where it will arrive in 2015.

As the Dawn spacecraft begins it year-long mission, President Obama is engaging in a difficult mission of his own right here in inner space on Earth. He is tasked with persuading opposing congressional factions to compromise on issues relating to the urgent need to raise the ceiling on the national debt before default occurs on August 2nd. After a particularly acrimonious meeting with House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and House Speaker John Boehner on Wednesday, the President decided to walk out of the negotiations, as it was evident to him that they were going nowhere.

Frustrated and weary by these stressful events, the President concluded that he needed to get away for a spell. Camp David wasn’t really an option, so he decided to perform the ultimate escape to a place where he could experience some peace and quiet and contemplate the state of world affairs in solitude.

With a sharp click of the heels of his magic loafers, a flock of migrating wild geese suddenly appeared and swiftly transported President Obama to Vesta, arriving well ahead of the Dawn probe. To his amazement, the first thing he saw was a lone rose growing in the dry, dusty soil of the arid asteroid.

Recalling a long-forgotten lecture from a world literature class from the distant past, the President realized that he was standing on the very planet that was the home of the Little Prince described by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry nearly 70 years ago. The little man had appeared to Saint-Exupéry in the Sahara Desert where he had performed an emergency landing to repair the engine of the plane he was flying. The President further recalled the conversations the Prince had with the flower and the tenderness with which he cared for it. In particular, he remembered the instance where the Prince was concerned that his beloved flower would be eaten by a sheep during his absence. In comforting the distressed young Prince, Saint-Exupéry promised to draw a muzzle for the sheep so it could not eat the precious flower.

Then, in an inspired flash of genius, President Obama drew two muzzles, one for the House Majority Leader and another for the House Speaker. His problem was finally solved!

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

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Animals, Current events, Fantasy, Politics

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The League of Women Voters at the Fourth of July Picnic

Four stern looking ladies sit at the League of Women Voters table

The League of Women Voters ladies are ready to answer all of your questions

Every year The League of Women Voters sets up a table at our town’s Fourth of July Celebration in the park. It is a festive occasion with live music, barbecue, burger and ice cream vendors, classic car exhibitions, fire trucks and rides for children. The event would not be complete without the tables staffed by volunteers from the two major political parties who hand out literature and free watermelon slices in the hopes of retaining visitors long enough to persuade them that their particular political positions and candidates are the ones to support in forthcoming elections.

While I enjoyed the watermelon on this hot summer day, I felt compelled to return to the LMV table. I thought this would be a great opportunity to ask the knowledgeable ladies a few questions about our state’s electoral process. In particular, I wanted them to explain the rational behind the rule that excludes voters who are registered independents from voting in the primary elections.

Illustration by Kim Harris
Story by Don Rudisuhle

I got the feeling my questions annoyed them and they would rather I just went away.

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Current events, Politics

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